Avoiding a plane crash.....

After a good amount of time flying along at a healthy altitude, my little plane decided to take a nosedive. I've had no major turn for the worse. The big C-monster is still in it's cage....but the cage is still in my room. At times I feel it's cold breath on my cheek or hear it's raspy whisper of impending doom in my ear. But it's the little foxes that are nipping at my heels that have sent this fragile vessel heading for a crash.

A lingering pain from an extended cold/cough caused fear to return to my pattern of thoughts. Focusing on the fact that since my diagnosis I've had some kind of pain or irritation going on in my body brought weariness. The short days, lack of sunshine, the cold. The upcoming Christmas holiday and remembering last year and how clueless I was that my life was about to change forever brings sadness. Struggling to do the everyday tasks that used to bring joy.  It's a little foxes that are stealing the grapes. The sweetness of my present life!

Yesterday was my 11 month anniversary as a cancer survivor. Jerry and I were chatting and he mentioned next Christmas. I started to cry....consumed with the thought that I might not be alive next Christmas. His words were exactly what I would have told anyone in years past! Yes, I would "be alive"! I might be here on this earth or at an even better place with many loved ones.  But I would most definitely be alive. I believe this to the very core of my being. I don't even like to say of my Grandma in heaven, "she WAS the sweetest person I knew"....because she still IS! His words began a change in my heart and mind. Helped to turn this plane upward once again. Encouragement from others gave gas to my sputtering engine. I don't want to ruin today by worrying about tomorrow. That is NOT trust! That is NOT God's best for me....or for you.

So what scripture have I been clinging to this week? How about John 3:16? 
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him SHALL NOT PERISH but have EVERLASTING LIFE." This is real, folks. This is where the rubber meets the road. I shall not perish.

Oh sure, "My heart and my flesh may fail (this will happen to everyone until Jesus returns), BUT GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

So once again I'm declaring that God is my strength for THIS day. I may have to rest more than before, that's ok. I may have to shed a few tears. Not once have I felt condemned from my Father for those tears that He's storing in my rather large bottle! This is not the journey I would have chosen. But it's where I am and I will rejoice and be glad because His mercies are new for this day and He has given strength for this day. As we enter this Christmas week, I want to treasure each moment with my loved ones and hold them near. Not out of fear but out of gratitude and the desire to make the most of each opportunity. I can't keep the foxes from circling around me but I will keep them from stealing my sweet grapes of joy. None of us know what the future holds and that can be daunting at times. But we do know Who holds the future. Yes, that's a popular line from a song....but it's still TRUTH. I will hold to that TRUTH today. And this truth will keep my plane flyin'! 

What about HOPE?

Many of us know the verse from the "Love Chapter", I Corinthians 13 - "These three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love." In all my years of listening to sermons, I don't recall hearing one on HOPE. We know that love is the greatest thing of all. God is love. And we know that without faith it's impossible to please God. But what about HOPE? It kind of always seemed like it wasn't quite as spiritual or as important as the other two.  And yet, I love the concept of HOPE. Hope brings light to dark places, strength in weakness and peace to a troubled heart.

Psalm 42:5b - HOPE in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His PRESENCE.

I am now in my tenth month as a cancer survivor. And these ten months I've been holding on to hope. I hoped for the kind of cancer that could be treated with Tarceva. God answered that hope, that prayer. I hoped for strength for this journey, to be grateful for each new day. What can I say....it's a process! I hope that the treatment plan will continue to be effective for many years. And I have a certain HOPE of a glorious future. I know that I know that I shall NOT perish but have everlasting life!!!

Psalm 130:7 - O Israel (child of God), HOPE in the Lord; For with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is ABUNDANT REDEMPTION.

One definition of hope is "a feeling of trust". I can have HOPE because I TRUST my Creator. Many times I've asked myself if I really really trust God? It's so much easier to speak words of faith and trust; to sing words of surrender and commitment when all is well. Yes, Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!

Romans 15:13 - Now may the GOD OF HOPE fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Dear friend, do you need hope today? Won't you join me in this prayer  and look for opportunities to praise God in your moments today, to put your hope in Him. Holding on to hope means we must let go of bitterness and unforgiveness because that clogs up the pipeline that brings hope, healing and peace to our body, soul and spirit. Join me in this journey as a person overflowing in hope....not based on our circumstances but grounded in the faithfulness of our great God.

Dear Father, thank You for the help of Your tender presence! Open my eyes to see my life from Your perspective. I trust YOU. Thank you for giving hope through Your warm lovingkindness and Your abundant redemption! Thank You for being a God of hope and filling me with joy and peace as I trust You. May my life abound in this hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. And I give you all the glory. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Thanking anyway......

It began by skirting around the edges, barely noticed as I ran through the whirlwind of my September and October. On occasion I felt a rawness in my throat, an unusual pressure in my sinuses. Another "bug" was sneaking around but I wanted to avoid it! God was so gracious to keep me healthy through my many responsibilities of those months. Sleep was not always my friend, avoiding me on nights when I needed it most. As my birthday approached, I began to feel the walls come crashing down once again. My immune system had failed to keep the walls secure from sickness.

For the past three weeks I've been once again battling a random virus. This time I've been coughing and had laryngitis. I led worship in the beginning stages of this because I did NOT want to give an inch to the enemy. However since that time, I've basically been on self imposed lock down. Once again I've cleared my calendar. In several cases I postponed an event for a week only to postpone it a week later. All the while trying to do the right things....rest, drink water, praise, rest some more and be grateful. And started taking an antibiotic to help things along. I think I'm seeing progress but.....

Today, my spirit is weary of this present battle. I'm tired of not being able to talk freely! I'm fed up with the pain that comes with each movement, each cough. I want to DO. I'm not liking the side effects of the antibiotic. I am so ready to feel well. And I know I will. The previous battle from March reminds me that I WILL recover, I WILL feel better soon. This skirmish will come to an end, quietly fading from view.

But even as I write these challenges, I'm very aware that I am abundantly blessed (thank you, Terri R.), have so much to be thankful for! Yes, I know that. So once again, on this new day, I'm given the responsibility of setting my mind on things that are good and lovely and good report. Even on this day that's not playing out the way I had hoped.

Here's what I am thankful for (in no particular order): precious family, devoted friends, ability to eat and sleep, no fever!, I can walk!, my sunroom view, grandchildren, gifts of food, God's Presence, I voted!, warm house, wonderful co-workers and job and hey, not thinking about cancer so much! I'm thankful for ginger ale, awesome children, sunshine, peace even in my tears.

Life doesn't always go as planned. We know this. But we also know that God is not surprised by anything that happens. Our candidate doesn't always win. We hope anyway. Our health isn't perfect. We trust anyway. Our relationships have struggles. We love anyway. Our path isn't always smooth. We hold His hand anyway because we know.....

"God is good.
God is good to me.
God is good at being God.
And today is another page in our
Great Love Story.

Nothing that happens to us will change that or even alter it in the slightest way!"
                    ~Lisa Terkheurst

Reclaiming the Territory

It's a blustery, chilly day in Quarryville, PA and I'm wrapped up in my fuzzy blanket in the beautiful Marantha Retreat Center lobby at Black Rock Retreat. We are in the final hours of the 37 hours of silence at our Silent Sanctuary Retreat. 34 guests have joined me in this powerful journey. This event is so near and dear to my heart and I'm grateful for the privilege of being a part of this since Black Rock Retreat began hosting it about eight years ago. Through the years many guests have taken a huge step of faith and joined us for a weekend "free from the tyranny of words".

This weekend has been significant in my life; it's been an opportunity to take back territory that I feel has been stolen from me this year. Last night we bundled up against the swirling wind and took our night time prayer walk. How awesome to walk together in silence to various points around camp - the three crosses, neighboring field, several campfires - and hear Scripture being read. The last time I led this walk was in January of this year.....three days before the word "tumor" was spoken over me. I had chosen various passages that spoke to me for the walk. As I was reading them again yesterday, the significance of those passages at that season in my life was overwhelming. I chose to read many of those same passages again for the walk. However this time with 9 months of traveling this cancer journey as my frame of reference. The prayer walk is always a step of faith for me to lead! It's amazing how trails look completely different in the dark of night. I can imagine getting lost with 20 guests following behind me! Even last night as we came to a place where several trails converged I had to take a moment to get my bearings before leading our group forward. The weather was windy and cold and rainy earlier in the day. I was so tempted to cancel. But my daughter gave me the motivation I needed to go for it anyway as she reminded me that many were looking forward to this new experience. I fought back the sobs as I read about the crucifixion, Jesus' triumph over death and His all encompassing love for each one of us. We read "the heavens are telling the glory of God" as we gazed upward at the stars sprinkled across the sky above the silhouetted neighboring Amish farms. This was a chance for me to stake my claim again. To declare to the powers that be once again that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. NOTHING, not sickness nor pain nor death nor strife nor anything present or to come. Nothing. Case closed. I still believe. God's word is always true. In fact, for me, His word has become even more a shelter in times of storm. A safe place. A warm soft purple blanket wrapping me in security and peace.

The previous Silent Sanctuary Retreat that we hosted was in March. I had just begun taking the highest dose of Tarceva. My face was blemished and painful, my scalp was itchy and sore. My confidence was shaken and I even wondered if my grandchildren would be still know, still love this new Grams. I didn't like her very much. But I was moving forward the best I could being thankful for the medication and the anticipated reversal that it would eventually bring to those cancer cells. As day two began, I was slammed with what we later found out was that nasty flu that was making it's rounds in Lancaster County. I couldn't eat, couldn't do much of anything besides shiver under the covers in my lodging room. The prayer walk was cancelled. because the coordinator was hibernating in her room. But that night I needed to know what was happening to my body so Jerry picked me up and took me the the emergency room. After hanging out there for about 4 hours we trudged back to Black Rock Retreat, at least knowing that what I had was not related to the cancer or the medication.....it was just a random "bug" that completely blew me out of the water. As Jerry slept I lay curled up right outside the bathroom door waiting for daylight. Just wanting to do what needed to be done and GO HOME. Thankfully there was a young gal on staff who was available to help me in packing up the many items I use for the various prayer stations. I threw them in my bags as quickly as possible, laying on the floor as she did the gathering. I have never been so glad to get home to my sunroom, my couch. And that was where I stayed for the next week till the fevers ended and I felt like life just might return back to the new normal.

In light of those unpleasant memories, the thought of returning to that lodging room and this retreat was a bit daunting. Satan had stolen the beauty, the sacredness, the joy from the event in my memory. It was TIME to take them back. A warrior spirit is being planted in my soul and is beginning to take root in this reluctant soldier. I declare today that God has gently been replacing those sad memories with joyful ones. At each juncture, I am filled with thankfulness for His healing! Thankful for these precious guests who are seeking God in the stillness. Thankful that today I can walk and smile and give hugs and write and WORSHIP. Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Jesus!

I'm once again letting go of the past and reaching for the new thing that God is doing. Sometimes the past we must let go of is filled with bitter memories and pain and disappointments. Sometimes we need to let go of the yesterdays that were wonderful. Each NEW day is a gift and is filled with purpose and meaning and beauty. But we can't receive those if our hands are still grasping onto our yesterdays. Let's not allow satan to steal what is rightfully ours! Jesus came to give abundant life....life to the FULL. I will walk in that today. I will not let the regrets from the past or the worries about my unknown future rob my today of the joy and peace available to me! And once again I ask you, dear unseen friend, will you join me in this walk?

"Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."  Isaiah 43:19

the changing seasons

Autumn is sneaking softly in the back door in my beautiful Lancaster County. You can sense it in the early morning chill. You can see it as the trees give hints of the color yet to come. Early autumn, a time when the evenings are cool but the sun can still bring warmth during the afternoon. Much as I love summer - the heat, the pool, the flowers - there is a freshness, a freedom in the air today. A much needed break from the oppressive humidity. I'm glad for that. If only, if only it didn't also hint of the winter season following so closely.....

I guess it's safe to say that I'm in my early autumn as well. Somehow it crept up on me....and I'm finally ready to own it. To live it. I had a blessed spring filled with loving family, wonderful memories of farm life. My summer was overflowing with singing, my own precious babies, building a life with Jerry, struggles and triumphs. And now...now....I guess it's early autumn. And that's ok. I'm breathing easier in the cooler temps free from the heat of the responsibilities that filled my summer.  Colorful leaves are taking over where there was vibrant green life. Perhaps it's becoming a "Grams" that has given me peace in this new season. I mean, those babies are worth it all!!! Or maybe it's the birthday coming up that will solidly place me in the upper 50's and attending my 40th high school class reunion! Yes, summer is over, classmates!

Friend, whether you are in your spring, summer, fall or winter, God is with you! He is WITH you. Jesus has said, "I am with you ALWAYS, to the end of the age". To the end of the season. This truth gives me hope and comfort. As I walk this autumn adventure as a wife, mom, daughter, Grams, sister, employee, friend, worship leader and cancer survivor I am determined that my leaves will be filled with bright colors, the air around me filled with freedom and peace.

Receiving a stage four cancer diagnosis certainly turns one's thoughts to end of life and the winter season. It has made me so grateful for my full, blessed life, for my current remission status....and filled me with a desire to make it further on down the road. I'm asking God to give me a specific amount of healthy years, to enjoy this life into my late fall at least. But I'm keeping my eyes, my heart on my next life. That life will be filled with the newness of spring, the warmth and vibrancy of summer, the freshness of fall and the beauty of pristine fallen snow on a sunny winter morning all wrapped up into one perfect, glorious day after day after day. I'm in. Are you?

Party Time!

I had it all planned out.....this next post was going to be about the posture of a raised fist. But that will have to wait.....

Today is my 8 month survivor celebration. I have been feeling better once again now that I'm on a higher dose. But we always yearn for confirmation, don't we? I don't trust my judgement about my breath. At my last doctor visit, Dr. Oyer noticed that the fluid level had increased a tiny bit from before which is why we increased the dose. Since then, the side effects have increased slightly, the feeling of pressure has decreased and my hope for more days on Tarceva has grown. Today I had a chest xray in preparation for my doctor visit on Thursday.

In these 8 months, I've received one phone call from my doctor. This was in the early part of my journey. He called to tell me that they thought I had the type of tumor that could be managed. He said the words, "we can make you well". They have done that. What a surprise to answer the phone this afternoon and hear his warm voice with the wonderful news that, indeed, my lungs look good and I remain in REMISSION. What GREAT words!

Energized, I lugged the trash to burn down to the corner of our yard that overlooks a patch of woods. As the smoke rose to the sky I raised my hands towards heaven, palms wide open, much like the winners of a race in the Olympics. I clapped my hands and the trees of the field echoed my praise. I danced and jumped and shouted and clapped and clapped some more.

This is not the end of my journey. But this is today. And I will rejoice and be glad in it. Today is a day for celebration. For thanking God for all of the wonderful moments I've experienced these past 8 months. For the fact that Tarceva is available, that I had the type of cancer that this manages. For thanking each one of you who read my wondering thoughts on this blog, who say a pray to our Father on my behalf, who have loved and supported our family in so many ways. You know who you are. THANK YOU!!! I am in this party mode because of your efforts and the awesome grace of God.


My newest theme verse is from Philippians 1:18b-20:
"...and I will rejoice,
for I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers
and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ,
according to my earnest expectation and hope,
that I will not be put to shame in anything,
but that with all boldness,
Christ will even now,
as always,
be exalted in my body,
whether by life or by death."

This is my prayer....no matter what happens. I want Jesus to be glorified through my life on this earth. I have failed more times than I care to remember....but HE never fails. I've tripped and fallen short many times but HE never has given up on me. He will never leave us or forsake us. And I take great comfort in knowing that He will give me the strength to glorify Him and not be put to shame as I walk this journey. To God be the glory, great things He has done!

The needed adjustment

Good morning, unseen friends! It's a glorious late summer morning and I'm once again ensconced in my sunroom looking out over the meadow and listening to worship music and the song of birds. How I wish that the peace I feel at this moment would always surround my heart and mind. But, in all honesty, I'm in constant need of adjustments.....

I was approaching my last doctor visit when the pressure in my core began to be a bit more noticeable once again. So I wasn't surprised when Dr. Oyer told me that a bit of the fluid had returned to my lungs. This is an indication that my medication isn't as effective as before. It's a fact, Tarceva can work for a few months or a number of years. Of course, I'm praying for the latter!!! We decided to increase my dosage to a happy medium between where I was and where we started. And so that has begun. I'm tolerating it fairly well. It was a needed adjustment.

When I awaken and feel a familiar twinge in my shoulders and neck for several mornings in a row, I know a chiropractic adjustment is needed. Last week this was taken care of and once again I am free from that restriction. A needed adjustment.

The most challenging adjustment, of course, is with my attitude! All too easily I slip back into self pity and sadness over the life that I had before the diagnosis. Yes, on the outside I'm active and back to "normal". But the process of getting my attitudes and heart and mind where they need to be is an ongoing task. I'm sure the same is true with all of us. We don't need to be facing a life threatening illness to struggle with attitudes of pride, selfishness, judgments, fear and offense. These can't be fixed with a simple pill or once and done treatment. 

As I walk this journey, these simple things have helped me:
~GOD'S WORD....don't wait till you're hanging on the end of your rope to fill your life and heart with these precious words of life!
~MUSIC....old hymns, new tunes reminding me of who God is, who I am, where I'm heading, what is really important.
~FAMILY and FRIENDS....knowing that we are being covered in loving prayers means the world to Jerry and me; games and laughing with family; kind co-workers; cheerful emails; cards; everyday moments of making applesauce and watching babies.
~CHOOSING TO REJOICE....There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

"...giving thanks at ALL times for ALL things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God,even the Father...."  Eph. 5:20

This is possible because I KNOW......
"God causes ALL THINGS to work together for GOOD to those who love God...." Rom. 8:28

All times, all things. This requires much needed and ongoing adjustments.....

So do Your work, O God,
in our lives and hearts and minds
so that Your kingdom may come
and Your will be done in our lives
as it is in heaven. 
Yes, and amen.

An Expiration Date

The weeks since I've last written have been filled with a lot of living....trip to the beach with the ladies of my family, Black Rock Retreat Family Camp which included an anointing service for a guest and me, walking (and talking) a 5k with a dear friend, answer to prayer job transitioning, many smiles with my grandbabies (and a few tears). My doctor told me to "go, live your life". This is what I'm doing.

But, still, underneath it all remains the unknown....wondering how long the Tarceva will be effective. Believing that God is at work in my body above and beyond what any medical intervention can do. But wondering, always wondering. And thinking about the fact that my life may be shorter than I may wish.

Recently, the words from Psalm 139 have been speaking life and hope and comfort to me. 

"You have enclosed me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully 

and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,

And my soul knows it very well.

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance

AND IN YOUR BOOK WERE ALL WRITTEN
THE DAYS THAT WERE ORDAINED FOR ME

When as yet there was not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!...

When I awake I am still with You.

O that You would slay the wicked, O God! (cancer)

Search me, O God, and know my heart.

Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

And see if there be any hurtful way in me,

And lead me in the everlasting way."

A friend just reminded me that we're all born as clay pots with an expiration date.

So I'm praying that I will fulfill ALL of my ordained days and not a moment less...make it to my expiration date. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. He is the one who wants to shorten our lives, kill our joy and destroy our hope. I am fighting the good fight of faith, standing against the attacks of fear, discouragement and sadness. Some moments I'm more successful than others, for sure and for certain!

None of us know our expiration date. But we know that it's not the years in our life but the life in our years that matter. Each day lived for God, to honor and serve Him and love and serve others. This is a life well lived. So, I'm trying to focus on this, each day....and not dwell on the expiration date up ahead. 

Friend, are you living each moment to the fullest or borrowing trouble from the unknown future? Are you remembering that this life is so short and that we have an expiration date for these bodies? Are we considering that the next life has NO expiration date, with each day being filled with joy and blessings deeper and richer. THIS is the life that I'm looking forward to most of all.

A Vulnerable Place

Last Sunday Jerry and I were asked to be a part of a panel discussion to share how God's word has helped us through these seven months. So we sat on stage at Gap Community Church with Pastor Cody and another couple (another Nancy and husband Bruce!) to talk about our "tough times". The other Nancy and her husband lost their entire home to fire last fall. Talk about a sudden life change! When Bruce was sharing he used the word "vulnerable" and something inside me just broke. It immediately struck a place deep in me and the tears began to fall. Why did this concept cause a strong reaction with me?

Vulnerability. No one wants to feel vulnerable. We surround ourselves with the best defenses.....steady jobs, beautiful, large houses, education, savings accounts, food in the freezer, solid friendships. These things can seemingly protect us from the difficulties of life. But can they? All it takes is a moment....an accident, a diagnosis, a phone call, to show us just how vulnerable we human beings really are! You can exercise and eat right and still this is not a shield against cancer. You can be a good driver but that doesn't mean you will not have an accident. The truth is that we are frail humans. We are so dependent on the mercies and protection and grace of God! We need Him more than we realize as we happily walk through the days of sunshine. It's when the dark night of the soul steals our breath away that we become aware of our desperate need for our Saviour. And, thankfully, it's there where He speaks loud and clear to our hearts through His precious word.
click here to watch July 24 service

Are you in a place of vulnerability? A new job? A new baby? A new relationship? A new church? A new season? This is the perfect opportunity to lean hard into God, our loving Father. He will NEVER FAIL. HE gives wisdom and courage. HE is the source of our joy and strength. Yes, I'm at a vulnerable place right now as well. But that's a good thing. It's helping me to go deeper in my dependence on Jesus. And that the best place to be!

God only is my Rock and my Salvation, My Stronghold;

I shall not be shaken,

On God my salvation and my glory rests;

The rock of my strength,

my refuge is in God.

Trust in HIM at all times, O people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us.    Selah.

Psalm 62:6-8

Trusting and Fruit

Yesterday was great! It was filled with powerful worship, an encouraging message, hours relaxing in my small pool, and dinner with our church's worship team. I felt God's presence as I helped on the worship team that morning. We declared "God is Able....He will never fail." As I was ministering through music and word, however, I heard a whisper in my head telling me that I was going to "pay for this tomorrow".

It does happen so often, doesn't it? After the mountain top, a valley. After a victory, a defeat. And I felt the heaviness in my spirit even as I crawled out of bed and hit the floor. "Oh God, oh God, please use me today. Thank you for this day! I worship You, I trust You."  I had time for meaningful devotionals, did a journal page focusing on the word, "trust". There are so many promises in the Word that I'm standing on but still the heaviness persisted. Financial concerns are weighing me down as well as the health uncertainty that's often lurking around the edges of my thoughts. The heat felt oppressive as I did my Monday tasks of bookwork and laundry. I remembered the quote...."when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on". I thought of this expression of my grandson's face when we ask him to show us his muscles. So I made a face and shook my fist at the enemy of my soul. "I'm hangin' on! All WILL be well."

And just like that, the storm clouds rolled in softening the oppressive heat. Jerry and I were still getting the clothes off of the wash line when the large raindrops began to fall. The humidity eased and my spirit was lighter. What a difference the rain makes! It cleanses the debris from the air, makes breathing easier and renews hope. The rain/reign of the Holy Spirit makes a way where there seems to be no way for us to trust Him in these days of uncertainty and unrest in our world and hearts.

The Scripture passage that I'm carrying with me everywhere these days is this:

Blessed is the woman who trusts in the LORD and whose trust IS the LORD.

For she will be like a tree planted by the water,

That extends its roots by the stream

And will NOT fear when the heat comes;

But its leaves will be green,

And it will NOT be anxious in a year of drought

Nor cease to YIELD FRUIT.    Jeremiah 17:7,8

Are you in a season of heat? A year of drought? When we put our trust in the Lord, when He IS our trust, we can still yield fruit!!! This is a wonderful promise to cling to. I want my life to count. Whether I have 1 day or 10,000 days left on this earth. I want each one of them to be filled with purpose. And that can happen as I trust God with the tough stuff, in the middle of the heat of summer and a year of drought.

Recently I was a part of an informal reunion of 8 women who were in the Strasburg Mennonite Youth Group together, um, about 40 years ago.  As we went around the circle sharing the stories of our families and triumphs and losses, we were aware that no one is exempt from the heat and drought. It's how we choose to live in those trials that makes all of the difference. These precious women from my past are reflecting God's faithfulness and goodness as their lives continue to yield fruit even in the midst of some very difficult circumstances. Always remember, friend, GOD IS GOOD. GOD IS FAITHFUL. GOD IS TRUSTWORTHY. Can I get an amen?

A Simple Reminder

It was an ordinary trip to the grocery store to get supplies to make homemade ice cream for a gathering on this July 4th holiday. It was a peaceful morning with time receiving from God's Word. And yet, as I drove, the loneliness of this journey pressed upon me. It's not that I don't have wonderful family and friends surrounding me. I am SO thankful for each one! But at the end of the day, each of us must walk the path before us alone.

Wiping the tears away, I pulled into my parking space. I whispered a simple prayer, "Lord, I would really appreciate some lovin' today in the grocery store!" So many times, He's used friends and acquaintances in the frozen food aisle or produce section to bring a smile and remind me that I'm loved. Well, the quick trip held nothing special. As I was in the check out lane, I was able to bless someone by letting them go ahead of me. With a grateful smile I was thinking how blessing someone was just as good as receiving a blessing. But a second later I felt a tap on my shoulder and was engulfed in a warm hug from a friend who works there. She was God's messenger today. And all it took was a few seconds, a hug and a smile. She could have easily passed me by. But she did not, and it made my day.

Never underestimate the power of a quick hug at the grocery store or a firm handshake at the hardware store or a smile from one vehicle to another. Share God's love at the dentist's office, the Y, your job, the hospital, at home....wherever your journey takes you today. Make that phone call; send that text; post an encouraging word on Facebook. Be a blessing. Be His hands and feet and arms and smiles. Serve God today by serving others. This is nothing new, friends, just a friendly reminder. Let's look outside ourselves and give love. Give affirmation. Give encouragement! Let's be generous with our kind words and smiles. And the blessing we give will be returned to us. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be the answer to someone's prayer.

ENDURANCE (dancing in the journey)

ENDURANCE. My "Walk and Talk" buddy, Bev, reminded me of this needed quality last week. Since then this word has been rolling around in my brain....it awakened me this early morning. So, as the birds are singing their morning praises outside my window, I have given up the idea of sleep till my thoughts are somehow written on this digital page :-).

Bev was an important part of my journey a few years ago when I went from little physical activity to an active physical level. The process was so rewarding but took endurance. If you've been married for longer than a week, you know that a good marriage takes endurance. Parents of a baby who does not sleep need endurance as they wonder if they will ever sleep through the night again! A successful career, advanced education, any long-term relationship, any goal worth pursuing requires ENDURANCE. Walking this journey with an unwelcome diagnosis or painful situation requires endurance. Jesus is our ultimate example. He endured the cross because of the joy set before Him...the joy of our redemption!

In my last appointment with Dr. Oyer, he told me that I will be able to run again! What a lovely thought...a goal....that will take endurance. Once again going through the process to become strong. So I'm taking small steps towards that goal hoping to run a 5K again. And in fact, I just registered for one in the middle of writing this blog. If you are in Lancaster County, consider joining me for "Camden's Run" on August 20 at Franklin and Marshall College. (benefiting SIDS research, details on Facebook) So now I've put my money where my goal is!

Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us RUN with ENDURANCE the race that is set before us....

(RUN, NANCY, RUN)

....fixing our eyes on JESUS, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

  Hebrews 12:1,2

As the word endurance has been bouncing around in my brain, this "interpretation" has come to the surface:
U R dANCing to the END.
Get it?  Perhaps it's a stretch, but it works for me. I love the word picture. This is my life goal....to dance through each day, honoring God, serving Him and serving those He brings into my life. Walking the journey with my eyes on the joy set before me. And knowing that the END of this life is not really the end at all but the BEGINNING of all beginnings. Finally seeing Jesus face to face and being completely free from the bondages of sin, the shackles of fear and the weight of selfishness. That will be glorious. But in the meantime, I am dancing....running....thanking God for this good day!
Will you dance with me?
May we run together?

Living in Plan B

Plan B. Not our first choice. Not where we hoped to be or really want to be. But what do we do when Plan A is no longer available? This. This has been my latest struggle. Letting go of the person I was before January 2016. Accepting the fact that my life will be touched by cancer as long as I'm on this earth. I am now a cancer survivor. (Did you know that one is considered a cancer survivor from the moment of diagnosis through the rest of their life?) This is a title I never wished for. Well, who does? Who longs for any of those less than desirable titles? We all will have areas in our lives where we need to accept that Plan A is simply not available. We have the opportunity to choose to accept....and even embrace Plan B. My friend, Mike, has lived his Plan B with strength and persistence and faith for the past 30+ years since a motorcycle accident left him paralyzed. He has turned his Plan B into a life of ministry and adventure and blessing. What an encouragement you are to me, dear friend!

This truth was brought home to me when I read parts of a commencement speech given by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg. This is a great article and worth the time to read it Sheryl Sandberg Berkeley speech Her husband passed away suddenly at a young age. When she was lamenting that she wanted her husband to be present for a Father-Son event, a friend said, "Option A is no longer available. So let's kick the shit out of Option B." Ok, I would not word it that way exactly...but these words have given me a push, encouragement to live this life that I've been given. I don't want to spend more time than needed in self-pity or wishing for the past. 

God has given each of us this day. This good day. I am celebrating life and peace and the cool summer breeze that's blowing through my house. I am so grateful that God has put cancer survivors Melanie and Deni, into my life to be examples to me of how to navigate this new journey. I am thankful for dinner with friends and graduation parties and babysitting the grands. Sheryl Sandberg also stated, "Finding gratitude and appreciation is a key to resilience." I want to be resilient! To go with the flow and TRUST that God is with me, carrying me,  loving me. Does this mean that I will not be shedding more tears? Goodness, no. But I will continue to start each day kneeling before my God and King, asking Him to use me for His honor. I will continue to end each day with praise and a list of the blessings of the day. I will continue to trust that "All will be well".

Are you living in Plan B....or maybe even Plan C? What a comfort to know that God is with us. His Presence is what can carry us through the times of doubt and fear. Times when we long to return to before the diagnosis or accident or hurtful relationship. My life is in His hands....and there's no place I'd rather, rather be. And so, with the things of this world changing and our temporal bodies faced with unwelcome challenges, we can grasp tightly to His Word:

God is personally present, a Living Spirit! There is nothing between me and God, my face shining with the brightness of His face. And so, I am being transfigured much like the Messiah.

My life is gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters my life and I become like Him.

Thanks be to God who always leads me in triumph in Christ and manifests through me the sweet aroma of the knowledge of HIM in every place.

(2 Cor. 2 & 3 portions, MSG)

a report and a commercial :-)

Once again, I'm perched on the sofa in my sunroom. If I close my eyes, the sound that envelops me is much like a You Tube video that I listen to as I fall asleep....filled with gentle rain and the melodic song of birds. Two cardinals were sitting on a branch and giving their feathers a nice fluff, as if allowing the rain to cleanse and freshen. This is what the rain of the Holy Spirit can do in our spirits! I want to begin...and end....and live each moment of my day, actually....with an awareness of the gentle rain of the Holy Spirit bringing healing, cleansing and hope to my spirit, soul AND body. He REIGNS over my life. He RAINS over my life.

I saw Dr. Oyer yesterday. It was a blessing to have my daughter come with me. I wanted them to meet her and for her to meet this team of professionals who have helped me so much in this journey. And it was an encouraging visit!!! He said that I'm in PARTIAL REMISSION. Rarely do patients with my diagnosis reach full remission. But, with God all things are possible. Miracles DO still happen. But just reaching this stage is a miracle in itself and I am extremely grateful. I'm thankful to God for His provision and peace and guidance and for giving knowledge to researchers to develop these new medications that can extend many many lives. I've been encouraged to view myself as having a "chronic" illness...much like a diabetic who can extend her life with medication. This change of thinking from the typical thoughts of cancer, has been vital to my emotional healing. I finally had the courage to look at my chest x-rays and see the amazing progress. Thank YOU for your prayers and support. Jerry and I continue to pray for each one who prays for us. May God fill your lives with blessings!

I've been encouraged to "go, live your life". And so I am. Last weekend was filled to the brim with family and hugs and love and laughter. I walked and played games and slept in a camper :-O and held babies. I ate ice cream and waffles and fresh fish from the local stream. I was told over and over again that I am loved. Those hugs just filled my love tank to overflowing. THANK YOU to each one who poured blessings into my life!!! This journal page was born out of that gratefulness. Why, oh why, are we so hesitant to tell people that we love them? Let's be generous people, in WORDS and deeds!!! Not stingy with our words of love and affirmation. Don't wait till someone you love is diagnosed with cancer to tell them how much they mean to you!

"A generous person will prosper;

whoever refreshes others will be refreshed."

Proverbs 11:25

And now for the commercial....
Worship and music have been a HUGE part of my life! I have been involved with music ministry 45 out of my 57 years. And have the privilege of being on the worship team at Gap Community Church. However, since my diagnosis, I've only been on the stage once...right before I became sick with the virus. It's been a long journey back - but I'm finally going to be singing this Sunday!!! What a warm reception I received as I walked into practice. Home where I belong. The songs that were chosen reflect so clearly the path that I've been on. The authors have put into words and music what I've written about these past few months. I can sing "The Rock Won't Move" with power; "Nailed to the Cross" with thankfulness; "No Longer Slaves" with peace and "We Will Not Be Shaken" with confidence. Would you like to join us? Our service will be streaming live at 10:15 EST on Sunday morning. You can find us at gapcommunity.church . We will be beginning a series on the book of Psalms...one of my favorite and most powerful books! I would be honored to know that you are with us as we worship and declare God's goodness and lovingkindness.

May His peace surround you today as you allow the Holy Spirit to REIGN/RAIN over your life.

Moment by moment.....

Saturday was my sixteenth year helping at the Black Rock Retreat Benefit Auction. It has become one of my favorite days of the year. A day to reconnect with old friends, work together with my cohorts, and just enjoy the auction atmosphere. It all started with a simple invitation. The effects of that invitation have colored my years, days and MOMENTS of the past 16 years.....

Many years ago a friend, knowing that I love being with people, Black Rock Retreat and taking care of details, invited me to be a volunteer at the auction. It only took a moment for me to say an enthusiastic "YES"! And the rest, as they say, is history. It was at that auction in one of those early years that the Executive Director at the time pulled me aside and asked if I would consider a job at Black Rock Retreat. I was happy in my part time job as a hostess in a local cafe, but was intrigued at the opportunity to return to the Black Rock Retreat staff. (I had worked there for several summers as a counselor.) He said that there were openings in working with children or seniors as the Road Scholar Coordinator. I had been loving my interaction with the many seniors who came to the cafe on a daily basis. So I chose to jump right into the new adventure as the Road Scholar Coordinator. It became a job that I loved, a perfect fit for me in that season of my life! And I served in that capacity for the next ten years.

It's so amazing to look back over the years and see how God opened the door for me to serve at Black Rock Retreat in other areas and eventually become the Adult/Family Program Director. It's been an awesome journey with precious memories with coworkers who have become dear friends. I was encouraged to develop new programs and from that came our yearly Family Camp and the Silent Sanctuary Retreat which we host several times a year (commercial:-) - check it out on the website and consider joining us sometime!). So many wonderful moments occurred because of that simple invitation!!!

The significance of how far reaching one moment in time can be came crashing down on me yesterday. Like the shadow of a tree stretching across the yard is a moment of our day reaching out into the unknown future. I shake my head and wonder where did all those years go? When I started this job my children were....well, children! Now they are adults and I'm a Grams! Granted, sometimes the days do seem long. But years go speeding by like the train heading from Philadelphia to Lancaster. I want to make the most of EACH day so that the years are filled to the brim and overflowing with treasured MOMENTS.

Jesus is with us in the Present Moment. The right now. This is a truth I'm seeking to walk. When I dwell in the past I can see my regrets and failures....and tend to forget that God was there and has brought His abundant redemption. I become sad and fearful when I consider the future because, unfortunately, my thoughts tend towards the negative side. But, when I release those to His care and live in the now.....thankful, aware, joyful, alive.....my heart is at peace. HE is with us in this moment. Right now. His mercies are new for me on this glorious sunny, warm Pennsylvania morning. THIS is the day the Lord has made and I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. I will walk aware of His Presence with me each moment. IN HIS PRESENCE IS FULLNESS OF JOY. 

"The LORD'S LOVINGKINDNESSES indeed never cease,

for His compassions NEVER fail,

they are new every morning;

great is Thy faithfulness.

'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul,

'Therefore I have hope in Him.'"

Lamentations 3:22-24

This moment is all that we have been given. And it is enough. He is here. With you. With me. With lovingkindness and compassion and faithfulness and HOPE enough for this moment, this day. I receive that, in Jesus name. Will you?

Turning a corner!

It's a blustery Sunday evening here in Pennsylvania. The sun and shadows are spreading across the meadow....the birds are trying to stay on the feeders as they sway in the wind. The springtime leaves are glistening like diamonds as the wind brushes by them. Inside my sunroom, peace reigns. It's time to chat with you, my unseen friends, once again!

As I wrote previously, last week was difficult emotionally. It felt as if I was going from potential crises to potential crises. As soon as one issue was resolved, another one popped up to take it's place in my fearful mind. This is not how God wants me to live. I know that! God used the comforting words and care of a friend to help me peek around the corner from fear to peace.

A few days later I stuck a foot around the same corner as I met with the counselor. Again I was reminded that this journey is something that I need to accept and walk out daily. She kindly and oh so subtly said that I must have a "strong connection between my mind and body". A nice way of saying that my worries have been causing me to feel symptoms :-)! So true!

We are so surrounded by prayer support and love! Because of that, I believe, my hands grabbed the corner and pulled the rest of me around. I have turned the corner. Thank you, dear friends! With God's help I have been able to begin to EXPECT to feel good and strong. God is so good and patient and has given me strength for this task. He gives YOU strength for whatever task is set before you. It may not be what you would have chosen. Ok. It's no news flash that life does not always go the way we want or expect. But I have to believe that God is with us and is helping us each step of the way.

For now, I am feeling very well. I still have a bit of pressure that is a reminder of my diagnosis. But my prognosis is GOOD. This is what I'm setting my mind on. I have strength and joy and PEACE. I long for my face to reflect this, my life to show God's faithfulness. Do I know what tomorrow will bring? No. But none of us do. With God's help, we can pluck our worries about tomorrow from today and place them in the future out of sight where they belong, where God's strength will be. His power and help is for the here and now. This is where we live. This is where life happens....in the precious NOW moments of love and food and graduations and family and laughter and worship and celebrations.

Be anxious for NOTHING but in everything by prayer and supplication (the action of asking or begging for something earnestly or humbly) with THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. And the PEACE OF GOD which surpasses ALL comprehension will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil. 4:6,7

These are not just pretty words, my friends. They are truth. I want to live this truth. Today. God will take care of our tomorrows.

But until then.....the dichotomy of life.

It was a peaceful Sunday afternoon. I had just returned from a dedication service for our precious twin grandbabies. I was feeling good, strong, healthy....physically. Emotionally, however, I was wrestling again with my mortality. You would have seen me looking through the obituaries in the Sunday paper. How easy it is to glance through those pages with an aloof attitude. But on this sunny day I was specifically noticing the ages of those listed. Of course, there were many people in their 80's mentioned. But I was saddened by the amount of people who were in their 50's and 60's....as well as a few even younger. I thought of the families, the goodbyes, and tears. I am feeling my own mortality so much these days, of course. So many people's lives on earth have been cut short. No one wants to be one of them! I certainly don't! And even people in their later years often don't want to leave this world behind. It seems too soon! But no one will avoid this experience - until Jesus returns! Why does it still shock us and bring us to our knees? Because we are created for eternity! We are eternal beings! When this life ends, a new life begins. For believers in Jesus, a wonderful, new, awesome life beyond compare. Though I believe this with every fiber of my being, holding on to the peace it brings is a hard fought battle. 

I'm not ready to shed this earthy life just yet. And so, I've asked God for a certain amount of "healthy years". If He answers my request, it will truly be a miracle. And I have promised to give Him all of the glory and honor and praise and to declare His faithfulness wherever I have the opportunity. BUT, if He does not answer this request I will STILL declare His glory and love to all who He brings across my path during whatever time I do have before I leave this mortal body for the glorious immortal one.

Recently I was really struggling with fears and used my "phone a friend" option. This former hospice nurse came to my sunroom and listened and assured me that my feelings were completely normal, that I wasn't having a heart attack. Yes, it's amazing what fears can do!!! God used her that day to restore me to hope and comfort. She shared an experience she had while sitting by the bedside of a dear friend in her last half hour of life on this earth.

As she was holding vigil with her friend, she was given a glimpse into the doorway of heaven. She saw an excited group of people gathering and laughing and exclaiming to each other, "Cheryl is coming! Cheryl is coming! Cheryl is coming!" For some of us, perhaps the thought of a quiet entry into heaven is most reassuring - just a peaceful embrace with Jesus and sitting by the "glassy sea". But for others, this picture is the most fun, enticing, comforting vision of what our homegoing may be like! How awesome to know, that we know, that we know that a party awaits us in the next life....filled with Jesus and love and laughter and friendship and joy beyond all measure.

It may seem like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. Yes, both side of my heart, actually! The one side is very much struggling with the idea of unhealthy cells wreaking havoc in my body (though I believe the Holy Spirit and Tarceva are putting damper on that), of my own departure of this life way, way too soon. The other side is rejoicing in the knowledge that this life is not all that there is, that all WILL be well, that eternity is a glorious reality that our human minds simply can't comprehend. And so today I'm going to a counselor to help me sort out those thoughts and learn how to live with this dichotomy. I'm thankful for this opportunity to grow and become strong and learn how to better walk this journey. One day at a time.

I love this comment from D. L. Moody! "Some day you will read in the papers that D. L. Moody of East Northfield, is dead. Don't you believe a word of it! At that moment I shall be more alive than I am now. I shall have gone up higher, that is all, out of this old clay tenement into a house that is immortal - a body that death cannot touch, that sin cannot taint, a body fashioned like unto His glorious body." Yes, Mr. Moody. YES!

Will you sing this old song with me? (Until Then by Stuart Hamlen)

"My heart can sing when I pause to remember
A heartache here is but a stepping stone
Along a path what's winding always upward
This troubled world is not my final home.

The things of earth will dim and lose their value
If we recall they're just borrowed for a while
And things of earth that cause this heart to tremble
Remembered there will only bring a smile.

But until then, my heart will go on singing
Until then, with joy I'll carry on.
Until the day my eyes behold my Saviour
Until the day God calls me home.

Today....will you join me in "carrying on with joy"???