What Then?

I found myself in some random banquet hall.  We had planned on about 100 people to attend this Black Rock Retreat banquet but more than 200 were coming through the doors.....hungry for a good meal.  It was my job to feed them.  In this dream we had no appetizers, the evening was beginning and I was still peeling potatoes, frantically trying to make progress to no avail.  I had no helpers.  I was alone.  Yup, I had the dreaded stress dream last night.  It was so lovely when I "told" myself..........Hey, wake up, this is NOT real!  Whew.  We've all had those dreams....where we have a task to do and no matter how hard we try, we. just. can't. get. it. done!  It's so frustrating.  And usually we're alone with no one to help or support us. Once I was awake, I knew that this was the tool I had been looking for, the perfect way to sort through the tangled thoughts in my mind!

First of all, I am NOT the one responsible for the food at any Black Rock Retreat event.  And even if I were, I would NEVER be alone.  One of the beautiful things about working at Black Rock Retreat is the tremendous team spirit that permeates every function, every event that we are involved with.  I thank God that I've been a part of this team for the past 13 years....and for 5 summers back in the day :-).  I love being a part of the Leadership Team, the Family Camp team, the Silent Sanctuary team, the Road Scholar team, etc.  

Jerry and I sense that same teamwork in our lives at this strange season.  We are surrounded by family and church prayer support, encouraging texts, wonderful chats, Facebook posts, Little Log Cabin Cousins Group :-), grandchildren visits (and children), food, phone calls,  and coffee dates. Just knowing that a few people are reading this simple blog is such a blessing to me!  We are told to "bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."  This is happening for us.  And we say THANK YOU!  It's what we as believers do. We say "praying" when someone posts a prayer request on Facebook.  We tell a hurting friend, "Keeping you in my prayers."  It is vital and important and needed....and let's me know that I'm not alone in this thing.   And yet, I am.

Last spring when I was spending time with a friend who was in her last earthly days, I was so happy to be there with her, to laugh with her, cry with her, pray for her, reminisce with her.  She blessed me way more than I possibly could have helped her.  She showed me how to fight, how to win, how to have joy even when the circumstances don't go the way we want.  I did what God wanted me to do. And yet I could drive away, stop and get a cup of coffee and go back to my life in my healthy body. The caring team surrounding her could only do so much...the rest of the battle, the foundation of the fight was for her alone.  Each and every person reading these words is engaged in some kind of battle.  We ALL have stuff to deal with.  Many difficulties we walk through no one sees, no one knows but God. Friends and family can walk with us....but they can't walk FOR us. I can't take up the shield of faith for you and you can't put on the armor of God for me.  

I can write the most glorious, praise-filled, victory infused words ever written, I can sing "all I need is you, Jesus...You're my breath, my life..." but when I step away from this computer, when I walk off the stage, when I am alone in my sunroom and a wave of fear tries to consume me, when I'm driving my car and sadness overtakes me and the tears fall as I cry out to God to let me live to see my grandchildren grow up and in the middle of the night when the "what if's" come knocking at the door....all of the worst case scenarios known to man....WHAT THEN?  Yes, even then, the prayers of God's people are holding my arms up.  BUT the foundation of the fight is for me and Jesus. The battle is the Lord's and He is my Shield and my Fortress.  Yes, and amen. But I need to acknowledge this and choose this and LIVE this.  And so must we all.  It's the same with salvation.  God did the complete work.  It is finished.  But each of us must choose this for ourselves.  So it is with the strength for this life.  God did the complete work.  Our part is to receive it, walk it, live it. This is where we get to live what we believe.

Tuesday is the day when I will hear the report from my PET scan tomorrow.  It's been a week of waiting, of victories and defeat, of beauty and ashes.   But TODAY, I receive the confidence from Psalm 112: 

 Praise the LORD!  How blessed is the woman who fears the LORD....She will have no fear of bad news; will not fear evil tidings; need not fear a bad report....her heart is steadfast; her heart remains secure; her heart is fixed; PREPARED IS HER HEART....trusting in the LORD; full of confidence in the LORD; trusting in JEHOVAH!  

And so, my friend, "At the close of the day, when you kneel to pray, will you remember me? I need help every day; this is why I say, will you remember me?  And, when I pray, I will pray for you.  For you need His love and His care.  When I pray, I will pray for you. I will whisper your name in my prayers." And, let us also bravely walk the path set before us with confidence and TRUST; with a prepared heart. Yes, and amen.

Playing Marco Polo!

My eyes are squeezed shut, darkness enfolding me, arms outstretched, reaching, searching, my feet shuffling slowly through the water...."Marco!" I shout.  From behind me I hear a soft "Polo". Quickly spinning in that direction I shout again, "Marco"!  I hear the soft lapping of the water on the pool edge letting me know that some movement is taking place.  "Polo" is now whispered to my right. And on and on it goes till I am weary of the game and open my eyes to see the smiling, water-dripping face in front of me juuuust out of arms reach.

As anyone who has faced some kind of crises knows, there are many paths to take, many voices to hear, many internet searches to do.....trying to find the way out of the darkness to a place of wholeness.  Let the record show that I'm NOT a "searcher".  I'm a rule follower. I did not immediately search "cancer" or "natural cures", etc.  I'm not looking forward to my PET scan to know exactly what my status is.  (This is not to say that I don't appreciate suggestions and help - I do, because it means that people care!)  I don't know much about this subject but I do know that it's not God's will for me to be scrambling around trying this and that, being stressed out and making decisions and purchases out of fear.  But it's quite easy to do and I did come close to that this week. I decided to take a few natural supplements especially to boost my health during this week of waiting. It made me feel better knowing that I was at least doing SOMETHING!!!  So I headed out to the local health food store. But I was not in peace.....and it showed.  I had no cash or check and had to make a trip to the bank to make my purchase because, of course, they don't take credit cards :-).  I finally did get what I went for.  And, yes, I'm taking them.  But God used that to remind me that I could do a better job at listening to His voice of peace and faith in this journey. So as I listen to these voices, within is the knowledge that God will lead me with His peace....with His favor....whatever direction that takes.

God's peace and favor has led me to the Ann B. Barshinger Cancer Center and the director of the center, Dr. Oyer.  God's peace and favor has provided a friend who has walked this path before me, made the doctor contact for me and has been a lifeline for me. God's peace is directing me to take the medical steps provided as well as some natural supplements.  The details are really not that important because for each person the specifics will be different.  I want....I need to follow His voice and walk in faith rather than fear.

So here is what is true for me and for each one of us:

God will instruct me and teach me in the way which I should go.

  He will counsel me with His eye upon me.  Psa. 32:8

I will bless the Lord who has counseled me; Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night. 

  God will make known to me the path of life.  Psa. 16 excerpts

God is not the elusive "Polo" moving around, just out of arms reach, laughing at our confusion. He is wrapping us in His arms and whispering guidance to us with His tender, still, small voice. I remember Elijah in his time of hiding and fear when the Lord came to him.  There was a "great, strong wind...but the Lord was not in the wind. After that, an earthquake....but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake, a fire....but the Lord was not in the fire.  After the fire......a sound of a gentle blowing, a soft whisper, a still small voice".  The voice of my Father. 

 "What are you doing here, my child?"  

Like Elijah, may we wrap our faces in our mantle and leave our caves of fear and insecurity and stand in His presence ready to listen and obey.  

Broken Shells

Yes, the snow is still completely covering the landscape and it's lovely but my mind is on the beach this morning.  If I close my eyes I can almost hear the waves crashing on the shore, smell the coconut-y suntan lotion, feel the sun warming me as I recline in my favorite beach chair.  I'm right at the water's edge, where the last bit of wave cools my feet.  Various conversations swirl around as I drift in and out of peaceful naps.  Seaguls are hovering, waiting for a bit of food to snatch.  Children are running by, spraying sand over my arms.  For the record this vision does NOT include sand flys or jelly fish or a beach so crowded that it's difficult to see the sand around the quilts and towels and food coolers and umbrellas.  Ahhhh, I love the beach.  If I listen even more closely I can hear echos of family times from long ago....my children's squeals, Marlin's gentle voice, Carol's laughter, many many private conversations whispered between family and friends.

God speaks.  And maybe since I'm on vacation, I listen.  He leads me to treasures which I put in the side pocket of my Thirty-One bag and bring home along with not a small amount of sand. One year there was an abundance of purple shells.  PURPLE!  My favorite color.  And I knew God was affirming His love for me in that simple, unexpected gift.  Another time I found sea glass in soft greens and blues and purples.

Of course, the shells that find their way back to my home are the most perfect ones....without holes or jagged edges, or discolorations.  After all, isn't this what we hold on to and put on display - the perfect parts?   But this year my beach trip had a different feel.  It was filled with love and beauty but there was also tension and weariness and tears.  Oh yes, tears again.  The reality of life.  My apartment housed a tired momma and a daddy trying to help his little family and a grams trying too hard to help everyone have a PERFECT time....all centered around the most loved and precious little guy who wasn't sure if he even wanted to be on vacation, didn't know what to think of the beach and FOR SURE knew that he didn't want to sleep :-).  So as I walked along the beach I began collecting the broken, imperfect shells, amazed at the beauty that could be found in each one.  God reminded me that much of life is NOT perfect.  I am far from perfect.  My family is not perfect. My situation is not perfect. Only my GOD is perfect!  And yet, even in the midst of our impertections, His beauty shines through. His grace covers and His love fills those empty spaces.  His joy softens our discoloration. He uses the water of the Holy Spirit, the healing of time and the grittiness of the sand of this world to bring softness to my uneven, hard edges and a glow to my darkness. Yes, may it be so!

So in these days while I wait for my "official" diagnosis and the medical plan, I am caught between focusing on the brokenness of my body and the possible challenges of my (earthly) future AND keeping my eyes on Jesus, who began a good work in me and who WILL carry it to completion!  (Phil. 1:6) He is my Healer!!! My life is in HIS hands.  I will focus on His hands...those beautiful, gentle and strong hands, softened by scars and pain....and love.  Those hands created the ocean I love so much.  His hands created me.  His hands formed you.  He knows what each one of us is facing.  Never doubt that He cares. None of us is too big that He can't carry us in the palm of those hands.  I am reminded of another favorite worship tune by Kathryn Scott, "At the Foot of the Cross". He is taking our brokenness and bringing beauty for ashes. So each day our challenge is to place our lives at the foot of the cross "where grace and suffering meet".  I'm trading these ashes of cancer and sadness and fear for beauty and joy and peace and healing and I'm going to "wear my forgiveness like a crown".  I will "kiss the feet of mercy, and lay every burden down....at the foot of the cross".  That's the plan for today.  Will you join me?

At The Foot of The Cross (Lyrics) Kathryn Scott

Songs of Deliverance

The snow had finally stopped and our driveway had been opened by an Amish neighbor.  We stepped out of the house to a clear, dark calm and breathed in the freshness that can only be felt after a snowstorm.  Jerry took my hand and we walked out of our driveway and across the road to Dan and Barbie's house.  A window in the large addition that was built for these occasions was opened just a tad.  The music danced across the snow drifts and pulled me in.  We tried to sneak in the back of the room but it was quite obvious that we were not the usual "Singing" participants :-).  Our hosts greeted us with strong, decisive handshakes and set up folding chairs for us in the back of the room (my request so my tears could be somewhat hidden).  

At the center of this large, plain room was a long table.  The young girls were on one side sitting on hard, backless benches.  The boys were facing them in the same fashion.  I guess this makes stealing glances at a potential suitor a bit easier ;-).  I wondered who gets the places of honor at the table?Around this group of maybe 40 teenagers, along the edges of the room, were some older folk; a few I recognized as parents of the teenagers and a few younger families.  The men sat to my left and the women were nearer to the door on the right.  I assume this made it easier for them to come and go as they cared for their young ones.  Two young dads carried on a quiet conversation while each holding a little son on their laps.  One small child was sound asleep, sprawling across the expanse of his dad's long legs.  Water jugs and paper cups were sitting various places for all who needed a drink in the middle of the long hour of non-stop singing.  

The purity and simplicity of the moment overtook me for a bit and I hid my face in Jerry's shoulder trying to get my emotions in check.  Jerry had just told Ivan and Annie (neighbors on one side of us) about my battle and I could see the tears glistening in their eyes as they hugged me from across the room with a smile.  Through the sea of singing and whispering teenagers I saw Sylvia, the sweet neighbor who invited us, give me a small wave.  I waved back through my foggy eyes.  It did not matter that I was the only woman without a head covering and I wasn't wearing Amish garb.  Jerry's hair was not styled in the Amish fashion and we had buttons on our clothing.  One song reached out to me as they sang, "You go to your church and I'll go to mine but we will help each other along this journey....".  Was that song chosen because we were there?? Was that their way of including us in their world for those moments?

Most of the songs were in German with a chorus of English thrown in every now and then.  Sometimes I recognized the tune and sang along with my English words.  "Lord I am Fondly, Earnestly Longing" was one and I sang those words and thought of my mentor, Arnold Moshier, enthusiastically directing from heaven's shores.  Would I be singing with him in the near future? Am I "climbing up the ladder that the angels are holding for me"?  Aren't we all? 

It was clear when the last song was being sung.  The older ladies got busy setting up lots of food on a side table.  I hungrily spied whoopie pies but we reverently crept out the back door.  The holy hush followed us back across the road, down our driveway and into our world of electronics and drums and tv and stuff.  

I was reminded of verses from Psalm 32 that I had been journaling and pondering that morning: "YOU are my hiding place; YOU preserve me from trouble; YOU SURROUND ME WITH SONGS OF DELIVERENCE. Selah.  I WILL instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I WILL counsel you with my eye upon you.....Many are the sorrows of the wicked, BUT he who trusts in the LORD, LOVINGKINDNESS shall surround him.  Be glad and rejoice you righteous ones (I always stumble over those words till Jesus reminds me again that HE made me righteous!); and shout for joy, all you who are upright in heart.  (Again, that's me ONLY because Jesus paid the price for my rebellion! My heart is upright because of HIM.)

This night, this precious moment in time, a gift from my Heavenly Father, the songs of deliverence were sung by Amish teenagers.  My ears didn't understand the words,  but the power of the music swirled around my body, soul and spirit surrounding me with love and bringing hope and peace.  Yes, and tears.  But that's ok.

The Despised.

I guess I'm still muddling my way through the stages of grief or whatever it's called when bad news knocks on your door.  Can this really be happening to ME?  This kind of thing happens to other people....not me or my family.  And yet the pressure on my chest is an unwelcome reminder that SOMETHING is there that does not belong.  I hate that thing.  I hadn't thought of it before but Jesus hated the cross, too!  He endured it but he despised it.  I despise cancer.  The cross brought upon our Savior every single sin and pain and disease from Eve's first act of rebellion to the end of this world!  How could His sinless body, His pure soul carry such a load?  It went against everything that He lived for....and yet it was the very reason He came to earth.  This diagnosis also goes against the very essence of my way of life:  healthy eating, exercise and practicing gratefulness!  And yet, here we are. 


Clearly, my despised cup is NOTHING compared to what Jesus took or what many many others all through time have tasted! But it comforts me to know that Jesus went before me, He knows, He understands.  He is here with me when fears assail and worries call my name. He is helping me to wait these next 8 days before I hear exactly what I am battling and what my "plan" will be.  

HE knows the plans for me, the race that is set before me....the race that is set before each one of us with all of it's twists and switchbacks and smooth highways and drifted roads.  So my prayer today is that we will remember the great cloud of witnesses we have surrounding us, lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and RUN WITH ENDURANCE the race that is set before us.  Let's fix our eyes on Jesus who is the author and PERFECTER  of our faith. (Hebrews 12:1,2)

Today I'm despising anything that steals God's peace from our souls.
Today I will live grateful for breath and the life of Jesus that is flowing through every cell of my body and love and phone conversations and prayer and texts and Facebook :-)....and GRANDCHILDREN!!!

An Unexpected Journey

This afternoon was a perfect time to watch the first of the Hobbit movies - yes, I'm a little behind the times!  I must say that I've never been a fan of the Bilbo Baggins of the Lord of the Ring films!  "I should like to see that ring just one more time."...spoken with a selfish gleam in his aging eyes.

However, it didn't take me long to see how much like the younger Bilbo I am!  Like him, I am very happy to sit in my little space surrounded with my mother's dishes and my grandmother's doilies (really!).  I get a little scattered when a lot of people are in MY kitchen :-).   I am not an adventure seeker.  Jerry does enough of that for the both of us!  His life has been filled with mission trips and hunting trips.  I am the happy-to-hold-down-the-fort homemaker.

I could feel Bilbo's frustration when those knocks came on the door of his cozy bungalow even when he had clearly said "NO" and decidedly slammed the door.  And yet he choose to join the adventure.  I've yet to see what all happens to that team of warriors.  But I chuckle at his last comment, "The worst is most definitely behind us." And the dragon slowly comes to life.  Hmmmm. Famous last words and perfect foreshadowing!

Bilbo clearly states, "I'm not a warrior or a hero."  In that regard we are EXACTLY alike.  I'm just a simple girl trying to walk this path with my hand in my Father's.  HE is my hero.  HE is my strength. Like Bilbo, I hope I will have the courage and strength to use the sword of the Spirit in the moment of crises. 

A friend reminded me of Daniel in the lion's den....the God whom he served, delivered him!  I am praying and believing and trusting that I am delivered from this affliction that is attacking my body. Jerry is in agreement and is cursing the cancer.  I am declaring that the Holy Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead is bringing LIFE to my MORTAL BODY.  I will not be surprised at a good report. Bilbo and I are on an (unwanted) unexpected journey.  Let the adventures begin!

As I journaled this morning, drawing snowflakes and writing Psalm 51 and 52, I was reminded that spending time with God and His Word is a type of spiritual chemo.  I am filling my being with powerful, fighting words.  The words of the Creator of the universe.  MY Creator.  "I trust in the LOVINGKINDNESS of God FOREVER AND EVER.  I will give Him thanks forever."  Is natural chemo in my future?  This I do not know.  But this I DO know.....each of us has the opportunity and privilege and responsibility to soak our souls in the precious Word of God.  So, dear friend, did you get your spiritual infusion today?  

And so it begins.....

January 21 was NATIONAL HUG DAY.  I was  blessed with so many hugs. Sadly, it was also the day I began processing the journey that has been placed before me.....the dreaded word.....cancer.  I can't even write that word yet without shaking my head in disbelief!  And yet, the diagnosis has been pronounced.  If you know me, you know that I am a crier :-).....I've always been!  I would leave the room during the crucifixion scene when my family watched Ben Hur and I still get weepy when I watch the end of "It's a Wonderful Life" though I've seen it too many times to count!  So, OF COURSE, tears are very close to the surface these days.  And, that's ok.  These tears are tears of sadness, fear, disbelief, grief, but also tears of gratitude, love, joy and praise.  

I'd like to write my way through this journey....for my own sake and to hopefully encourage other fellow travelers on this road of life.  We all have potholes and detours and unpleasant circumstances.  Some are more visible than others.  Some are quickly resolved with a few phone calls, a hug and band-aid.  Others can span a lifetime and leave scars that are rugged and bruised.  

Yesterday was wonderful.  My coworkers filled my small office with their circle of love and prayers.  Later my pastor and some elders prayed with us and anointed me with oil....sweet oil from Bethany that a friend blessed me with from a recent trip to Israel.  Even later a fellow traveler on this cancer road and a friend and precious sister-in-law visited me and filled my sunroom and my soul with laughter and direction and HOPE.  My day was blessed with touching base with my children and parents. The day ended with a phone call with my dear sister.  Oh yes, there were tears as I said, "I don't want to leave you alone!"  Having already lost a brother 3 years ago, we feel the threat of separation very keenly.  

I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.  How many times have I sung those words?  How many times have we sang words of confidence and faith when the sun is shining and all is right and peaceful.  Well, I am given the opportunity to sing and pray and LIVE these words in the valley.  Perhaps God will do the miraculous and answer our prayers for complete healing from this damn cancer that is making it's presence known in my body.  I am cursing it, in Jesus name!  But, well, no matter which direction this journey takes me, this is my prayer........
"I eagerly  expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." Phil. 1:20 

Today I took the next step and scheduled an appointment with an oncologist.  God opened the doors for me and I feel so blessed with how this is working out.  Jess and Josiah visited us and brought soup and my favorite ice cream treat. A grandchild's laughter is such good medicine!!!  A hug from my daughter is manna for my soul.  My artist friend came with prayers and insight and laughter and encouragement for me on this journaling process.  She reminded me that my world has not receded....it has expanded!  I will have even more opportunity to share the love of Jesus in a whole new place.

All is well.  ALL WILL BE MADE RIGHT.  Someday.  Maybe not in the here and now.  But someday.  But while I'm waiting, I will trust Him.  I will serve Him.  I will praise Him.  I will love Him.Will you join me?