Obeying my mother....

My mother told me that I need to write a blog tonight.....and I ALWAYS listen to my mother :-)!!! So here I am.

Yesterday morning I confidently wrote on this site, ALL WILL BE WELL. The blog was posted and the attack began. My concern over the discomfort and pressure in my chest was taking over my thoughts. For the next few hours my emotions were winning the battle of control over my spirit. This is NOT how I want to live. The Holy Spirit lives inside of me. He is in control over my spirit. My spirit leads (or should) my mind, will and emotions. This is my goal. Sometimes it actually happens! Emotions are not bad, but they are not meant to lead us.

I had a bone infusion scheduled and was also going to have a chest xray to give information as to what was actually happening inside of me. During the infusion, my dear nurse navigator, Amy Jo, visited me and listened and encouraged and once again gave me a good perspective on this journey that I'm on. This is a marathon. In this world of quick fixes, in my world of get-er-done successes.....this is completely the opposite. I'm still wrapping my mind around this fact. Perhaps you've experienced this; a defining moment that changes everything....and not always in a way that we choose! But it is our reality and God is good through it all.

I waited today for the report from my xray. Morning came and went. No call. But, unlike yesterday, I was at peace. I was meditating on Deuteronomy 31:8 - a passage my mother shared with me when I first was diagnosed and a friend refered to today:

The LORD is the One who goes ahead of you.

He will be with you.

He will not fail you or forsake you.

Do not fear or be dismayed.

At last the call came from Amy Jo. Her first words were read from Dr. Oyer's report from my xray, "There continues to be improvement". REALLY? THANK YOU, JESUS! What tremendous relief and joy flooded through my spirit AND my emotions :-). And so this evening I am thankful. Thankful for this good report. Thankful for strength to run this marathon. Thankful for the support of family and friends...for YOU who read my simple thoughts on this blog! Thankful for a God who wraps me in His arms when I cry. For a husband who drops his work to come home and pray for me and who brings me Blizzards. For the knowledge that in our journeys, God IS with us always. If you cry out to Him, HE WILL MEET YOU. He will hold your tomorrows....He will hold your hand.

As I wrap this up, this snippet of an old song is running through my mind.....

"Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand,

But I know who holds tomorrow,

And I KNOW who holds my hand."

All Will Be Well

The light filtered through my curtains as another day was dawning. I'd like to say that my first thoughts were of thanksgiving and praise. But that would not be the truth. Before I even opened my eyes, my thoughts were of the new challenges of my journey and concerns about the day ahead. THEN I was reminded that "those who trust in the Lord are JOYFUL" and I offered a sacrifice of praise to my Shepherd and King and Guide. And I thought of writing this blog. What words I can use to convey my reality and my faith.

I fear you may be growing weary of the switchbacks which seem to be a part of this season in my life. I know I am! Since my diagnosis, it feels like one issue gets taken care of only to be replaced by something else. This is true in much of life on earth, is it not?

For me, the joy of the Tarceva working was tempered by a change in my vision (possible side effect). So, once again I'm reminded of yet another part of this life that we take so for granted until it's threatened...our vision. My Dad has macular degeneration in both eyes. Recently we had a conversation about that and he expressed discouragement over his inability to see clearly. I think I empathized with him but in typical 'Nancy' fashion I reminded him of his many blessings and tried to point out that "it could be so much worse". Good grief. How many times do I have to be shown how easy it is to say the words and how difficult it can be to LIVE them!!! God help me to never compartmentalize another's pain or suffering or journey! Dad, forgive me. And if I've said similar words to you, please forgive me. Know that I fervently believe the truth of what I say....but long to be more empathetic and compassionate. I am thankful that God understands and accepts my tears and questions and worship. He is simply there. Late one night as I struggled with fear, after loudly pouring out my heart to Him, I simply heard these words whispered in my spirit....."All will be well". No reminder to trust Him, no grand comments about what I should be thanking Him for. Simply, ALL WILL BE WELL. And with those words, peace came. Sleep came.

This is a deep truth that has carried me through my sadness and grief. And it will carry me through today as I get another chest xray because of a feeling of increasing chest pressure again. This has me concerned and is a prayer request....that the Tarceva will continue to work and that we can find the proper dosage that works for me with side effects that I can endure. The goal, as my awesome nurse navigator said, is to get to the place where I take the Tarceva as routinely AND DRAMA FREE as someone takes their blood pressures meds each day. YES, may that be so!!!

And so, my dear friends, whether your day includes meetings and making major decisions or holding babies or mowing the lawn or working in a grocery store or carpentry or studying or medical tests or simply resting in God's presence.....know that, as we trust Him, ALL WILL BE WELL.

These words of Jesus spoke this truth to me last evening in Bible Study:

"These things I have spoken to you, so that IN ME you may have PEACE.

In the world you have tribulation, but take courage;

I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

Dear Jesus, help us to walk in Your peace today, with courage, knowing that we serve an overcoming God. Confident that ALL WILL BE WELL. Amen.

To Be Enveloped!

Hello, friend, from my warm sunroom. My diffuser is putting powerful frankincense in the air and I'm sipping a soda to just sooth my stomach a bit. This week has been a real eye opener...ever since I made my bold proclamation last time about the season of rejoicing :-). It's become clear to me that, in spite of my many glorious words and confessions throughout my life, when push comes to shove, I am naturally fearful. My faith is weak and I'm a frail human. No big news flash there!

With my husband out of town I've had more alone time than usual. And I've had "successful" moments of praise and song and prayer. I've felt free to just belt out an old Sunday School song on joy or loudly declare to the evil forces around that I will not embrace their lies or simply cry and cry like a hurting child in the arms of her loving parent. These days have been filled with a peaceful trip to the beach with my daughter, times with my sister and a sweet visit from my daughters and grands. Many precious ones have checked up on me. All of that helps. But this burden is mine and no one can carry it for me. Jesus says, "come to me all who are weary and heavy laden (burdened) and I WILL give you rest". I'm seeking that rest.

You'd think that I'd be easily rejoicing since just last week I got a good prognosis from Dr. Oyer!!! What's up with that? BUT, daily, many times daily, the question flashes through my mind....what if the Tarceva stops working? And I'm so aware of each little discomfort and I wonder if I'm having trouble breathing again, etc. Potentially, I could be wondering all of these things for many months, years. But I don't think it's God's best for me to be consumed by these questions. They are stealing my joy and peace. This is not the path God has for me...for any of us. There has to be a better way.

And so I'm fighting the good fight of faith. I'm declaring the Scriptures that I feel God put His finger on just for me. I'm singing songs of faith and deliverance. I'm resisting the devil and his attacks on my mind. I'm trusting that God's peace which transcends ALL understanding can and will keep my heart and mind IN Christ Jesus. Truth be told, that peace is available no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in. This is a gift because we are children of the Most High God....the God above all and NOTHING can separate us from His love. Ok, I'm declaring again :-). At times like these, it's so helpful to know ....and believe...God's Word! "I believe, help Thou my unbelief!".

I love words and definitions. My word for today is ENVELOP. A friend has been praying that God would envelop me in His healing and hope and mercy. She also told me that envelop means to mount an attack on an enemies flank. So she's praying that God would mount an attack on my enemies flank! Thank you, Lin!

Can we pray that for each other? Who of us doesn't need help with the fight against the enemy of our souls...the one who is seeking whom he may devour? I know I do! Who of us doesn't need to be completely covered, wrapped up, surrounded, bundled in God's care. Remember the way babies are bundled up these days? Completely swaddled and held tightly by the warm, soft blanket. This picture makes me smile. This is how God bundles...envelops...us in His love. Yes, and amen.

Intentional Gratitude

Yesterday I spent the first part of my time at the Cancer Center meeting with a chaplain, Katie. I wanted to meet with someone who isn't a part of my life. To pour out my concerns and questions and struggles....and faith, once again. I wanted to hear her say that the things I'm experiencing are normal and to be expected. She did. But she also had good input. The main thing that sticks with me is that this journey can be a lot like being in a desert where there are no pathways, no trails. Katie recently spent a week in a hermitage in the desert. Alone. She commented that walking involved a lot of unplanned detours. We are used to trails and pathways. However, many of us have found ourselves in the desert with no map or trail guide. or GPS! We are in a place where we would NEVER have expected to be....never wanted to be. With that comes grieving and sadness and anger and confusion. You know what I mean!

The second part of my time at the Cancer Center was with Dr. Oyer and his awesome team. After my exam, I was SO happy to hear his assessment that I am recovering from a nasty virus, that the Tarceva is doing it's job, I'm handling the side effects well, and that I'm "on my way to remission". What blessed words!!! They filled my heart with joy....but a subdued joy. Sadly, if Jerry and I have learned anything in the past three months it's that there are very few straight paths on this cancer journey. I pray that mine is straight for a looooong time. Dr. Oyer is expecting that since I will not see him again for 6 weeks! Please God, may it be so. It was our 35th wedding anniversary.....a bittersweet day. As we said goodnight I whispered, "next year will be better". Please God, may it be so.

But this morning was a new day. My mentor texted me strong encouragement to "give thanks through it all"....even FOR the experience. "Thanksgiving is truly our biggest sacrificial offering. Every surrender with thanksgiving really counts." WOW, what a challenging way to start my day. It reminded me of several scriptures that speak of this and stirred faith in my heart.

So, here's what I'm saying......with the help of All-Mighty God; Jesus, the Prince of Peace; and the Holy Spirit empowering me.....this day I declare that the season of mourning is ending...the season of intentional rejoicing and thanksgiving has begun. Please God, may it be so. I am not promising that there will be no more tears, no more lamenting. But I choose to walk in thankfulness and gratitude. "Gratitude heals", (thank you, Loretta!). Honestly, I am not at a place where I can thank God FOR the diagnosis. But I want to obey Him....follow His GPS......

Rejoice always,

pray without ceasing;

IN everything give thanks,

for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus!

1 Thess. 5:16

And as an awesome affirmation I received a card in the mail today with this encouragement:

But let all those that put their trust in Thee REJOICE,

let them ever shout for JOY,

because Thou defendest them,

let them also that love Thy name be JOYFUL in Thee.

Psa. 5:11

If you experience moments of grieving, give yourself grace because our Father does. But will you join me in this Thankfulness Journey? It doesn't matter if your pathway is clearly marked with sunshine and daffodils or is dark and steep. IN everything give thanks. It's a sacrifice that reaps benefits of growth and joy and peace.

He who offers sacrifices of thanksgiving HONORS ME.        

Psa. 50:23

And isn't that what we really want to do with our lives? Please God, may it be so!

Keeping it real.....

The sky is gray and rain drops are running down the windows of my sunroom....my safe place, my haven. This day reflects me perfectly at the moment. My attitude is gray and the tears are slowly making their way down my face. I've had a few good days this week but the difficult ones still seem to outnumber them and that makes me sad. I don't want to be this person who is so focused on my every pain and discomfort. I WANT to glorify God, to trust God, to honor God, to bless others, to fulfill the purpose He has for me TODAY. But how do I do that when I'm so focused on myself and this grasping onto who I was just a few short months ago?

Today I remembered the Scripture:

Do not call to mind the former things,

Or ponder things of the past.

Behold, I will do something new,

Now it will spring forth;

Will you not be aware of it?

I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,

Rivers in the desert.           Isaiah 43:18,19

Somehow I need to let go of the person I was before - activities, appearance, ministry - and embrace? the something new God has for me. I am in the wilderness and am searching for the roadway. For if there is no roadway, I don't want to be here. God must have a purpose for me today. I'm in a desert and long to swim in the river, to feel the water rushing over me with cleansing and healing and peace. Yes, Lord, may it be so! Help me to be aware of it!

I've heard that it has taken others weeks to fully recover from the sickness that is making it's rounds in Lancaster County. So I guess I'm on track there. I'm thankful for peaceful nights even when I awaken; and music that turns my heart to praise in the dark hours of the night. I'm thankful for freedom to just BE here in my refuge and have my strength renewed like the eagle's. I'm thankful that I can pray for dear ones in my life who are struggling with many different challenges.....some much worse than mine. Praying for others helps me to have a proper perspective and reminds me that I'm not the only one on a painful journey.

Thinking of this spring rain today also reminded me of an old choir song that I've always loved and it's based on Hosea 6:3:

So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord.

His going forth is as certain as the dawn;

And He will come to us like the rain,

Like the spring rain watering the earth.

So, as I rest here today and listen to the gentle rain, may my heart press on to know Jesus. May I be confident that He will come to me like the gentle spring rain, watering the earth - watering my spirit, soul and body and filling me with new life and strength. May the gentle rain of the Holy Spirit wash over you today bringing life and health and peace. Thank you for your prayers. I am prayng for you with love and appreciation.