WORDS

It was one of those nights! Waking at 2AM, my brain not wanting to go into sleep mode. These thoughts marching in my mind, begging to be expressed. It's now 4AM and I've given up the fight for sleep so here goes....

It's been a while since my last post! I've "written" several blogs since then but none actually made it to the computer. I've grown weary of words. My own included. It's become painfully clear to me recently that words can be an incomplete vessel for our hearts. Sometimes words are a poor replacement for a lingering hug, intentionally looking deeply into another's eyes, a gentle touch. Words are everywhere and we could spend all of our time tangled up in them. Words have the power of life and death! And we all have experienced words that heal and words that wound. I want to avoid carelessly tossing words out into the atmosphere. I'm becoming increasingly aware that our words are not always interpreted the way we intend. The "me you see" can be a bit different and, to be perfectly honest, less favorable than the "me I think you see". It's a good reality check that helps me to evaluate how my words are being spoken and how I can improve what is being heard. You see, we each know our own heart and motive....and speak from that. But others don't have that knowledge and can only hear our words through the lens of their own experiences.

So in case there's any doubt: I'm a very flawed and needy person who is seeking to be a obey God and bless others. This is my bottom line; case closed; amen! I can relate to David of the Bible....a child of God with many failures but with a heart after God. I want my words to be words of life and hope and healing. Small baskets holding God's love. My prayer each day is to speak God's words of peace and grace. Does that come through? I don't know. Maybe on my best days. Our words and actions may be so very different from each other! That's the beauty and the challenge of being a part of the body of Christ. I am committed to hearing and reading your words through that framework of love and acceptance and I'd be honored if you will do the same for me. Maybe this is what God meant when He said:

"Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others."

I Corianthians 13:7 The Passion Translation

So, fellow basket holders, this vessel is once again gearing up for another scan in August. God's peace is carrying me through the emotions that can go with the uncertainty of the future. Thank you for your prayers and support. Thank you for your words to me that carry love and hope and comfort. May those words come back to you in your time of need.

My True Home

Since we're entering the decade of our 60's, Jerry and I have begun to think about navigating this next season of our lives, especially managing our resources wisely. In light of that, we sought help from a financial consultant. A part of the process involved looking at our goals and dreams for the future. The end result for me has been the clear realization that my main emphasis in my life is HEAVEN. And this passion didn't just begin when I received the cancer diagnosis! It has been a secret obsession that I kept hidden under wraps lest people think I'm strange or not enjoying this current life or "too heavenly minded that I'm no earthly good"! But now the cat is out of the bag, so here ya go.....

I LOVE LOVE LOVE to think about the reality of heaven. Granted, we know very little but I DO know that it will be beyond what we can ask or imagine. I DO know that this life is just a shadow compared to the brilliant light of heaven. I DO know that, for believers in Jesus, this knowledge can help us keep this life in proper perspective. It's so easy to get so attached to our stuff, our positions, our temporary world that we fail to recognize that the veil between this life and the next is very thin. As thin as one fragile breath.

So, when we were asked to pick a time in the future at least two years away, I choose my 65th birthday which is about five and one half years out. What do I want my life to look like? Well I will either be living on this earth in miraculous health, spending my time investing in my grandchildren's lives, loving my family and friends, honoring God with my abilities...hopefully writing..... OR I will be living in my eternal glorious home filled with infinite peace, joy and love, laughter, beauty. Completely free from the difficult challenges of this earthly life. And the greatest joy of all will be receiving Jesus' embrace. Sure, I desperately want to watch my grandchildren grow up. I'm not in a hurry to leave here and will fight to stay with all I have. But it's a win/win situation! And I want to live that way! I don't embrace heaven because my life here is bad. I embrace heaven because it's real (we are surrounded by fake) and true (much of what we hear is false) and FOREVER (this life will end).

When I look in my new grandson's eyes and gaze at spring bursting forth in my yard, Black Rock Blue Sky or the powerful, churning ocean; 

I see heaven.

 When I hear my children's voices and grandchildren's laughter, the song of birds at dawn,  food sizzling in a hot pan, inspiring music:

 I hear heaven.

 When I am worshiping alone or with my church community, walking and talking with a friend, sitting around the table with family, creative journaling;

 I experience heaven.

 AND YET all of this is only

a black and white sketch

compared to the myriad of colors of heaven.

 May all of the beauty of this life remind us that even more beauty awaits us beyond the thin veil.

"Set your mind on things above, not on things that are on the earth."

What does this mean to you? How are we living that out? How should we live in light of eternity? These are questions to consider in the spring, summer, fall and winter seasons of our lives!

the sword and the palm branch

I was having a conversation with one of my nieces in my mind...."IF I die, remember...." Mid-thought I stopped short with the realization that it's really not IF but WHEN. This concept continues to elude most of us. But, if you have walked through a life altering circumstance (there are too many to mention), you will agree that these give you a greater awareness of the frailty and finality of our lives here on earth. And that's a good thing!

There is an APPOINTED TIME FOR EVERYTHING....a time to give birth and a time to die...He has made EVERYTHING beautiful and appropriate in its time. Eccl. 3

I've just been given a 4 month reprieve from this reality (hopefully!). And I'm rejoicing!! I am so grateful to God for answering this prayer. But there's a dichotomy that I wrestle with....
How do I fight the fight of faith (for healing, wholeness, etc.) AND rest in the sovereignty of God AT THE SAME TIME???

You see, I believe that Jesus has provided complete wellness, TOTAL well-being, nothing missing-nothing broken peace. At the same time, we will not live a perfect life unhindered by trials and hardships. Jesus, our great example, DIED at 33! (spoiler: He didn't stay dead!) When I think of the statistics for people with this disease, it's daunting and I know that I may not live to see 65. I don't like that thought one bit....but Jesus! He physically left this earth around 33 years of age!  Being fully human (AND fully God) did He long for more years with His beloved disciples and the hungry faces of those who so desperately needed Him?

Ok, so we are not Jesus. But, can I trust that IF my appointed time to die is younger than I hope, my influence in my world....especially those grands!!!....will continue even after I'm gone on? I can spend my days grieving the potential loss of years of doing life with them OR I can make the most of the days I've been given, TRUSTING God to do what I could never do anyway.

Teach me to number my days that I may present to You a heart of wisdom.  Psa. 90:12

In Your book were all written the days that WERE ORDAINED for me. Psa. 139

So here's the deal, my deal anyway! I am fighting the fight of faith, doing my small part in this life. I will NOT allow satan to kill me before my appointed time to die. And when I do leave, it will be BEAUTIFUL and APPROPRIATE. I will follow His leading to the best of my ability. AND I will trust in the loving, wise, sovereign God. This is the place of peace....in one hand I will grasp the sword of the Spirit and in the other hand will be a palm branch raised to Jesus..

pre-scan fog

I come to my usual meeting place with God this morning, coffee in hand. Dawn is gradually spreading it's soft light across the little corner of my world. Curled up on my couch, wrapped in a blanket, I look out the windows to see a haze of light grey.

Fog. It hinders my view of what's just beyond my windows.

Most of our lives are lived in the fog....the haze of an unclear future. Like the fog this morning that hinders my view of what I know is out there, fog covers much of our future. We may pretend to have it all planned out but we only see through a glass darkly. So much of tomorrow is beyond our limited control. But because I have looked at the meadow beyond my sanctuary so many times, I know that a lovely, peaceful meadow is out there even though I currently can't see it with my eyes. I know that the delightful stream is there, the blue heron sitting on the bank. I don't worry that when the fog lifts I will see destruction, emptiness, a meadow torn apart by a raging river, trees toppled over, the grass and bushes parched brown, dead.

But, when I face the fog of my future, I confess that it's too easy for me to picture just that! As the scan approaches, the time when what is going on in my body will become clear, it is simply in my flesh nature to picture destruction and death. Worries about what may be next for me on this journey are knocking on the door of my mind daily. But God! God in His great mercy has given me glimpses of life and greenness and vitality and spring. Even the fog is pulsing with a peace that I can't explain. His Spirit whispers, "All will be well."

The immediate future of today is filled with so many blessings...

THIS is the day the LORD has made. I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

The future of next week, next month, next year are unknown. But I will trust God. I will be grateful for the blessings He provides of family, friends, peace, ABUNDANT REDEMPTION....

"Many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand. But I know WHO holds tomorrow and I know WHO holds my hand."

The eternal future is as clear as the brightest of days. This future will be filled with the unhindered presence of GOD who loves us more than we can imagine. This I know though I have not seen. This knowledge will give me strength for the intermediate foggy future....

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a KNOWN GOD."

-Corrie ten Boom

The fog has now lifted. Light has revealed what I knew was there - the peaceful meadow, gentle stream, spring budding on the trees. Someday all fogginess will disappear forever. In the meantime will you join me with thankfulness in this foggy journey?

A "peace" of the puzzle

It all began with a different point of view. Typically, cancer cells are thought of as aggressive, destructive, powerful, smart. The picture of them running rampant in my body is not pleasant, to say the least! But in Cancer Conqueror ( a new favorite book), the author challenges us to view them in a different light. The truth is that cancer cells are weak and confused. In that state, they do wreak havoc and destroy. Yes, they can cause a body to die. But recently God has given me a new tool for this battle. This is my newest "peace" of the puzzle!

All through this current journey, our goal has been to live each day in PEACE - nothing missing, nothing broken. Our Father is the God of Peace. Jesus is the Prince of Peace! We are promised peace as we trust in Him...

Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything.

With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God.

Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that

no one can completely understand.

And this peace will control the way you think and feel.  (Phil. 4:6,7 CEV)

Peace is my newest weapon. If the peace of God can calm an angry storm then the peace of God can calm a little cancer cell. Can minister to angry, infected cells on my problem toes. Can help my immune system to be strong and function properly. God's peace can help your heart to be restored, bring joy to your soul and give strength where you are weak.

So, I'm speaking peace to those weak, confused cells in my body. God's peace can help them to return to normal; functioning in the way God created them to function! It's not the only answer, the sure and certain cure or the guaranteed solution to all cancer. But, for now, this is my focus. This is my prayer. 

Do you have an area in your body, soul or spirit that is broken, missing something? Speak God's peace to that situation. HIS PEACE is everything. His peace gives hope and freedom and courage. His peace gives us the strength to reach out when we want to pull inside. I don't understand it, can't explain it but I choose to receive it. Over and over, again and again. Will you join me? 

NOW may the GOD OF PEACE Himself continually grant you

peace in EVERY circumstance. (2 Thess. 3:16)

Lies in the Night

A side effect of the medicine I am taking - for which I am EXTREMELY thankful - has a side effect of muscle spasms. But, at least I'm here! Last night was the culmination of several busy weeks with a family medical emergency and intense work involvement. Following is what happened last night - a result of it all :-). My first poem in decades :-O. Thank you for walking beside me on this journey!

"Open your mouth wide and I will fill it,"

You said.

In faith, I did, declaring Your truth.

In faithfulness, YOU DID!

Eyes closed, hearts open, the ladies received Your peace

a blessing upon their lifted heads

With smiles and tears and praise ~ 

the fruit of 24 hours of soaking in Your Word, listening

with fellowship, laughter, worship.

The forces of evil pushed back in our lives.

In the dark of the night they crept into my room

pummeling my body.

Muscles seizing.

My heart racing as my world began to spin and narrow.

I hit the floor in desperation and pain.

They whispered in my ears, lies.

"This is it! You are dying....

In pain and writhing, your heart will stop.

Alone, in agony, your end is here."

No anointing flowing, no flowery words, no music.

Groaning, "help me, Jesus", was all that came

Right hand reaching to heaven.

God's answer, my husband, lifted me up

and encompassed me in his arms.

Comforting me, assuring me.

Gradually the pain eased

Peace brought sleep.

My eyes opened to sunshine of a new day

iridescent snow sparkling with

brilliant joy and newness.

Though remnants of the attack linger

Peace reigns.

My PRINCE OF PEACE has rescued me from 

fears real and imagined once more.....

once more His Word for the day echoes my heart:

Then I called upon the name of the LORD;

"O LORD, I beseech You, save my life!"

Gracious is the LORD and righteous.

Yes, our God is compassionate.

The LORD preserves the simple.

I was brought low and He saved me.

RETURN TO YOUR REST, O MY SOUL,

For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

For You have rescued my soul from death,

My eyes from tears,

My feet from stumbling.

I SHALL walk before the LORD

in the land of the living.

Psalm 116:4-9

Breaking the Silence

I turned on the light and sat down at the beautiful baby grand piano. Getting my bearings, I took a deep breath. The prayers had been prayed. The time had come. I glanced out at the two hundred or so people who love my Uncle Carl and simply shared why the family had asked me to sing this particular song. Painfully aware that I was not the most talented person in the room, my voice not as clear and strong with my piano playing skills even more lacking there I sat. God said to sing, so I sang. 

Many many times I have declared God's truth from a place of struggle. My tears flowing down my cheeks unhindered! I learned a long time ago that tears were a part of me and to accept them. I've proclaimed that God is faithful and filled with lovingkindness in spite of my nagging questions and fears.

Other times I have ministered from a place of peace. I've been blessed with a good life. Most days it's easy to declare God's goodness and love with passion and boldness. And joy overflowing. 

And sometimes I've shared my faith from a place of victory....after the battle of the moment has been won by the strength of Jesus, my heart filled with gratitude.

That day was different. That day I took myself out of the picture. The song was not sung through my life experiences, either good or bad. I simply declared the truth. Knowing me, and how my emotions would rise up if I looked at my precious family, or any of the grieving faces OR thought about my own situation and how close I may be to hearing Jesus call me home, I focused on THE TRUTH. Not my own sadness and fear or my family's pain. And God was there. Unlike any time before, I felt a strength and power completely not my own. I heard a strong voice, clear and warm declaring "I will rise on eagle's wings, before my God fall on my knees..."

Scripture commands ALL OF US to

MAKE KNOWN His deeds among the peoples. SING to Him, sing praises to Him; SPEAK of all His wonders. PROCLAIM good tidings of His salvation from day to day. TELL of His glory among the nations, His wonderful deeds among all the peoples. ASCRIBE to the Lord the glory due His name.

I Chronicles 16:9, 23, 24, 29

So, today. How will you speak of His wonders? How will you proclaim good tidings? Yes,yes, our lives should speak of God's greatness - without words. BUT, we are also to use our mouth to MAKE KNOWN, SING, SPEAK, TELL. 

Whether we are in a place of struggle or victory or peace or completely without concern for our current situaions, GOD IS GOOD and deserves our praise.
The people in our lives need to hear this. We need to speak it.