The Bitter and the Sweet - 5 years

January 20, 2016. The day that I was assigned the diagnosis: stage 4 lung cancer. The day my life changed forever. The day this Unexpected (and Unwanted) Journey began.  We all have those markers in our lives. For some of us, it's a single moment in time. For others, it slowly unravels before us. 

And so, today is my 5 year celebration day. One would think that I'd be full of joy and laughter. I should be, shouldn't I? The sun is even peeking through the clouds to help. But it really is a bittersweet kind of day. 

My most recent scans show "no significant change". That is sweet. And I'm so grateful. They also show cancerous spots throughout my lungs and bones. As bitter and unnerving of a reality check that is, no change is good. This is life for each one of us - the smooth days, the bumpy days. How do I respond to this? How do I live this life with joy and gratitude and sadness and honesty and faith and doubt and hope? 

This morning I've spent time listening to worship music, reading God's word and remembering God's faithfulness through the years. There have been joyous shouts of thanksgiving and there have been tears. I enjoyed a donut from Jerry. In the event that it's true that our loved ones in heaven can see our "special" moments, I blew a kiss to those watching me and cheering me on: Mother, my precious grandparents, Irvin and Joyce and Mel and others. I took a nap and soaked long in the bath. I will get a massage from my daughter and eat yummy food with my sister. I video chatted with grands. And opened gifts from a faithful friend (one can never have too many mugs!). 

And I'm writing to you. To encourage you in your Unexpected Journey, whatever that looks like. Through it all, God is faithful and He will never leave us. Holy Spirit is our comfort. Jesus is our Redeemer and Peace. Call to Him and He will answer you and show you great and glorious things....even on this rocky road.

"Let everyone everywhere shine with praise to Yahwah! Let it all out! Go ahead and praise Him! For He has conquered us with His great love and His kindness has melted our hearts. His faithfulness lasts forever and He will never fail you. So go ahead, let it all out! Praise Yah! O Yah!"   Psalm 117 TPT

"Whenever my busy thoughts were out of control, the soothing comfort of Your presence calmed me down and overwhelmed me with delight.....For You are my True Tower of Strength, my Safe Place, my Hideout, and my True Shelter."   Psalm 94 19, 23b

Hair Dye and Verse of the Year?

 It's been so long since I've written here! So first, a health update. I'm currently doing fairly well. My next scans are the end of January. As usual, the closer the scans get, the more "reality" sets in and the battle intensifies to keep the faith. But God is good and faithful. On January 20 I will celebrate 5 YEARS ON THIS STAGE FOUR CANCER JOURNEY!!!!

And now, on to the story...

It's 2021 (finally!).

A friend recently asked me about my "verse of the year". Do you choose a "verse of the year" or "word of the year"? I've never been inclined to do so but her question got me thinking and listening.

In the past few years I've observed my sister and several friends make the transition from coloring their hair to embracing their natural (changing) color. Hair dye has been a part of my life since my late twenties. That's a long time, folks! Our hair is one thing in our lives that we CAN change and yet know that it's not permanent. I finally feel ready to embrace my silvers or white!

But I've been hindered by 2 factors. First, my hair grows so slowly due to the cancer medication that I'm taking. But this is the same medicine that has brought me my fun curls and volume. For that I am most grateful.

The other reason was the uncertainty of my future. The fact is that at some point the medicine that is keeping the cancer at bay will become ineffective. That is barring a miracle (which I believe is possible). It looks like one of the next steps in my treatment IF that occurs is chemo and potential hair loss. Why not just wait for that to happen and make the big change at the time??

Indeed. Why not? The bottom line is that I don't want cancer to define me or affect my life more than absolutely needed! I don't want cancer to dictate my decisions. And so, I'm in. I've begun the fun journey of looking even more like my dear mother. And I'm ok with that. 

Is there an area in our lives where we are allowing a condition, situation or limitation control more than it should? Let's do what we are passionate about, being intentional with this brief life, walking in obedience to God. Hair is such an unimportant thing! But sometimes baby steps are what is needed. Sometimes baby steps are all I can do! Right foot, left foot.

And so my "verse of the year"? Isaiah 46:3b,4:

You who have been borne by Me from birth and have been carried from the womb; Even to your old age I WILL BE THE SAME, even to your graying years I WILL BEAR YOU! I have done it, I WILL CARRY YOU; And I WILL BEAR YOU and I WILL DELIVER YOU.

So if you see me at the grocery store (one of my big outings these days) and notice my gray shining through, rejoice with me for the gift of time and the faithful God who is with me, carrying me to my final breath here with joy and anticipation in this journey.