Breaking the Silence

I turned on the light and sat down at the beautiful baby grand piano. Getting my bearings, I took a deep breath. The prayers had been prayed. The time had come. I glanced out at the two hundred or so people who love my Uncle Carl and simply shared why the family had asked me to sing this particular song. Painfully aware that I was not the most talented person in the room, my voice not as clear and strong with my piano playing skills even more lacking there I sat. God said to sing, so I sang. 

Many many times I have declared God's truth from a place of struggle. My tears flowing down my cheeks unhindered! I learned a long time ago that tears were a part of me and to accept them. I've proclaimed that God is faithful and filled with lovingkindness in spite of my nagging questions and fears.

Other times I have ministered from a place of peace. I've been blessed with a good life. Most days it's easy to declare God's goodness and love with passion and boldness. And joy overflowing. 

And sometimes I've shared my faith from a place of victory....after the battle of the moment has been won by the strength of Jesus, my heart filled with gratitude.

That day was different. That day I took myself out of the picture. The song was not sung through my life experiences, either good or bad. I simply declared the truth. Knowing me, and how my emotions would rise up if I looked at my precious family, or any of the grieving faces OR thought about my own situation and how close I may be to hearing Jesus call me home, I focused on THE TRUTH. Not my own sadness and fear or my family's pain. And God was there. Unlike any time before, I felt a strength and power completely not my own. I heard a strong voice, clear and warm declaring "I will rise on eagle's wings, before my God fall on my knees..."

Scripture commands ALL OF US to

MAKE KNOWN His deeds among the peoples. SING to Him, sing praises to Him; SPEAK of all His wonders. PROCLAIM good tidings of His salvation from day to day. TELL of His glory among the nations, His wonderful deeds among all the peoples. ASCRIBE to the Lord the glory due His name.

I Chronicles 16:9, 23, 24, 29

So, today. How will you speak of His wonders? How will you proclaim good tidings? Yes,yes, our lives should speak of God's greatness - without words. BUT, we are also to use our mouth to MAKE KNOWN, SING, SPEAK, TELL. 

Whether we are in a place of struggle or victory or peace or completely without concern for our current situaions, GOD IS GOOD and deserves our praise.
The people in our lives need to hear this. We need to speak it. 

the daily sacrifice

The carcass, the blood, THE SMELL.....these memories of butchering day on Grandpa Deiter's farm are still vivid even after more than fifty years! Of course I was not involved in all of the activities from that day. But I remember the mess. I remember the distinctive aroma.

"Offer to God a SACRIFICE of thanksgiving and pay your vows to the Most High. Call upon Me in the day of trouble. I shall rescue you, and you WILL honor Me." Psalm 50:14, 15

Sacrifices were common back in Old Testament days - not so much today! So what DOES a sacrificed life look like? Is it all clean and pretty and wrapped up in a bow like a Christmas present? This is how I would like my life. All questions answered, all fears squelched, all doubts dissipated. NO MORE TEARS OR PAIN! But reality says that sacrifices are MESSY! There is death and there is MESS. It's not a pretty sight.

But God calls us to die to ourselves. Daily. We give thanks when things are in turmoil. When people let us down, when sickness creeps in, when comparison eats away our joy, when bitterness begins to fester. We give God our mess, our dysfunction, our doubts. "The trouble with a living sacrifice is that it keeps crawling off of the altar!" So we keep climbing back up on the altar day after day. This is another glorious exchange.....we die and our life is hidden with Jesus safe in the arms of God. I'll take that life any day.

And though sacrifice is messy and smelly, the aroma that reaches God is a sweet smelling fragrance! Sacrificing our rights and selfishness and shedding the light on His faithfulness and constant comfort pleases our Father. Intentional gratitude honors God.

"Through Jesus then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that give thanks to Him name." Hebrews 13:15 

So once again this morning I slowly crawled out of bed and dropped to the floor, face down before the Sustainer of my life. Arms outstretched, I thanked Him for this new day. Sure, I wish some pieces of my life were different. But my life is wrapped up with His, held together by Him. I am not my own, bought at great cost by Jesus. And I trust Him to bring glory to God through this imperfect, messy sacrifice.

Opening the Gift

Ok folks, so I am no theologian! The whole principle of healing has given me issues for many years. I know what the Bible says.....and yet struggle to understand how to walk that out practically. I've wasted too many moments trying to "earn" my healing by declaring the right promises, speaking the Word often enough, loudly enough, emphatically enough. Who was I trying to convince? Myself? God? Satan? The cancer cells? All of the above, probably, at one time or another!

Please understand me. I'm not saying there's no place for declaration and confession. I love speaking the Word of God, journaling the Scriptures. But as always, God looks at our hearts and checks our motives. God is a God of PEACE. So when I am striving in an area, I'm missing the mark. Frantically scrambling to get what I want, to ease the battle I am currently engaged in, to hurry the process and skip this painful part of my journey is not God's best for me.


Walking down my country road recently I was reminded of what Jesus accomplished on the cross. It was the GREAT EXCHANGE. My salvation was bought by His blood. My peace was purchased by His anguish. My joy, my righteousness was given because He took my punishment.  He provided a garment of praise for my spirit of heaviness. My healing was paid for by His wounds.

It is not difficult for me to receive my salvation. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my debt has been paid. I am cleansed and forgiven and utterly loved. I have a home in heaven with my Father waiting for me. I don't have to strive for it or work for it or earn it. Even if I try, it would never be enough. It's a GIFT to be received with thankfulness and surrender. I'm learning how to apply that simple truth to the other provisions from that exchange.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the GIFT OF GOD; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast, For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:8-10

Do I always walk in the complete fullness of the gift that Jesus gave? No! But that doesn't mean it's not available to me. It's a gift for me to receive each day, each moment. Is my body always in perfect health? Obviously not. But I believe it's provided, it's a gift to be received. "The chastening for our well-being (peace) fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed." Isaiah 53:5b So now when I start to stress and want to begin striving, I reach out in faith and receive that gift from Jesus. Our job is to receive the gift. His job is to provide. The how and when is in His Hands! I'm at peace with that. When my heart is heavy and filled with sadness, am I going to just shrug my shoulders and say, "Well, ok, I'm living in this world so this is bound to happen, I might as well get used to it?" No! I bring my thoughts back to God who has promised to be with me and give me peace even in the difficulties of life which we all face. I seek to keep myself at the foot of the cross, reaching out to receive what He has provided. So whether I receive a miraculous healing on earth or walk in health because of powerful medicine or find my healing as I breathe my first breath in heaven, I know I have received it.

Are you unwrapping the gift today?

Breaking the Surface

Just saw this old recipe in my book! I can hardly believe that my "precious moments" birthday girl will have her own 3 year old in a few months!!! "The days are long but the years are so short!"
I had a positive doctor visit yesterday for which I am so grateful. Once again I'm in partial remission. I shouldn't have to think about that word "cancer" for at least 3 months. Riiiiiight :-\. I have to be honest and say that there are many many moments when the seriousness of this diagnosis overtakes me. I rebel against the death sentence hanging over my head! And yet, just as many times Jerry reminds me that ALL humans have that same death sentence. Those of us living with health issues are just more aware of it. I know I am healed. But the time and how is in God's hands.
Today, I'm thanking God for those crazy years with my adorable children, for the years to see them reach for Him and follow their dreams. And I pray, as Hezekiah did, for many more years on this earth. I want to be a present Grams!

But I'm so SO thankful to know that I know that I know that this life is just the title page of a glorious book yet to be written. Some day I will break the surface of the water and with a gasp take my first pure, eternal breath! And I'll brush the water from my eyes and gaze in wonder and amazement at my new home prepared for me and the One who made the way where there was no way. Thank You, Jesus!

Scars: optional

Wounds are not optional; they happen. If you are alive on planet earth, you will be wounded! BUT scars are optional.

Last winter I experienced a wound on my foot that didn't want to heal. No one saw it but, oh I felt it! Left alone it could have led to a major infection. It could have become smelly, even uglier and messier. But I did treat it. I made time to do what needed to be done to promote healing. The process was not fun. I limped around in the process. Eventually complete healing was achieved - but a scar remains.

Many years ago two of my aunts and I talked about the process of growing older. We talked about the fact that as people age, we lose our filters. We'd all seen undealt with injuries squirting out at the most inopportune times! Wounds left to themselves become ugly and demanding. They cause us to remember hurts from 36 years ago with pain. They pop up in our words of judgment and criticism oozing with anger and frustration. They sever relationships, hinder friendships, weaken our testimony, destroy marriages. Old, unhealed wounds are nasty and smelly and messy. 

We asked God to help us to grow old gracefully and wisely; choosing to deal with our wounds as they occur. We made this promise to each other and plea to God when life was peaceful and plans were going according to our schedules. The past three years have brought two cancers and a major disability into our worlds but our heart's cry is still the same. We are still determined to bring the daily wounds to our heavenly Father for healing. We choose to forgive. We choose to love. We choose to praise and rejoice in the midst of our suffering. We choose intentional thankfulness; choosing gratitude over entitlement. To live God's Word. As the years go by and we approach the years of weakening filters, may we continue to surrender to the work of God in our lives; bringing healing to the wounds of life. By HIS wounds we ARE HEALED. Dear friends, let's do what it takes to walk in His healing and wear our scars to the glory of God.

Letting Go

It was a little over a year ago when my "replacement" (with added responsibilities) joined the Black Rock Retreat team once again. Jamie and I had worked in the same building the first two years of this current part of my Black Rock Retreat career. Though our paths rarely crossed in that short time, from the moment I knew that he was considering applying for this new position, I was hopeful that it would be him. On his first day as my replacement and new supervisor he came into my office, pulled up a chair, leaned forward and looked into my eyes. "How are you?", he asked with a deep compassion that brought tears to my eyes. I knew all would be well.

Jamie's first week last year was during our sixth Family Camp. It was my honor to be the leader of our Family Camp team from day one till the last day of Family Camp #6. At that point, Jamie took the lead. Last week we hosted Family Camp #7. This time I was an assistant. I went from being the leader of the most awesome group of talented men to a small voice with limited responsibilities. Letting go.

Letting go can be difficult. But my parents have led the way and shown us how to walk this journey. When the time was right, they let go of their much loved careers and embraced new part-time careers. But eventually the process of growing older led them to letting go of these to move to a retirement community. This huge step involved letting go of their home, their accumulated possessions, their town, their way of life. My dad also let go of driving because of impaired vision. This could not have been easy for this man who hauled giant steel girders up and down the east coast for much of his career! He also released his grip on hunting, a lifelong hobby. On top of that, a few months later we had to say goodbye to my brother who left this life unexpectedly. And then, after a few years of being settled into a much loved cottage, they had to move because their cottage was to be torn down due to an expansion project. Yet another unexpected change and another opportunity to let go and trust God for the next step.

Through it all, they rarely complained, rarely had a pity party, rarely grumbled. They showed us by example how to walk this always changing pathway of letting go with grace and peace....trusting God.

Letting go takes trust. Trusting God that the next step will be good, that He will fill the void. Holding on can lead to hardship; letting go can lead to lasting peace.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die;

A time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to break down and a time to build up;

A time to weep and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get and a time to lose;

A time to keep and a time to cast away;

A time to rend and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence and a time to speak;

A time to love and a time to hate;

A time of war and a time of peace....

HE has made everything beautiful in His time."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11a

A different kind of shouting....or results: take 2

Hearing the word "progression" is NOT what any cancer survivor wants. And yet, for many of us, this is our journey. I really really had hoped to be on my current medication for years and years. That was not to be. Though I am feeling fine, recent scans show progression in various areas.

In the days following my doctor appointment I had time alone to process this shattering news. I confess to shouting to my dear heavenly Father......"so many others are on this drug for years, WHY NOT ME?????!!!!" Why not, indeed. I looked at the glass in my hand and could easily have thrown it at the wall with all my strength. Thankfully, practicality won that battle. Who would have cleaned up the mess? Uh, that would be me! As I wrote down that question, God clearly spoke to me (not audibly) the words spoken by Jesus many years ago, "What is that to you? You follow me." Yes, Lord, I hear you.

Yesterday, a different kind of shouting was heard in my kitchen. I received a phone call from my nurse navigator, Amy Jo, with the news that my test results showed the hoped for result: the cancer cells had developed a resistance to my current medication. The wonderful news is that there is another drug that will do the work of my previous one AND find it's way around the resistance. I completely expect to be in remission once again. The unknown.....AGAIN....is how long this drug will work. Ah, the glorious unknown. But each day of remission is a day closer to healing. Each day is a gift.

Dear friends, your prayers and words of encouragement and hope have been a gift to us. I'm so thankful. For you. For the gift of time. Days to make memories, to share love, to enjoy the zinnias, to embtace my job, to float in the pool and jump the waves in the ocean. To worship and pray. To forgive and give hugs. To walk and talk or just sit and cry. To kiss grandbabies.

How are you filling your days? Make them good ones because there is one huge UNKNOWN for all of us. We don't know when our earthly days will end and eternity begins. For now, we are here. Let's make the most of these opportunities to be God's hands and feet, His ambassadors in this world. So today I'm gonna swim with my grandbabies and help plan Family Camp and pick worship songs for next Sunday. How about you?