What Then?

I found myself in some random banquet hall.  We had planned on about 100 people to attend this Black Rock Retreat banquet but more than 200 were coming through the doors.....hungry for a good meal.  It was my job to feed them.  In this dream we had no appetizers, the evening was beginning and I was still peeling potatoes, frantically trying to make progress to no avail.  I had no helpers.  I was alone.  Yup, I had the dreaded stress dream last night.  It was so lovely when I "told" myself..........Hey, wake up, this is NOT real!  Whew.  We've all had those dreams....where we have a task to do and no matter how hard we try, we. just. can't. get. it. done!  It's so frustrating.  And usually we're alone with no one to help or support us. Once I was awake, I knew that this was the tool I had been looking for, the perfect way to sort through the tangled thoughts in my mind!

First of all, I am NOT the one responsible for the food at any Black Rock Retreat event.  And even if I were, I would NEVER be alone.  One of the beautiful things about working at Black Rock Retreat is the tremendous team spirit that permeates every function, every event that we are involved with.  I thank God that I've been a part of this team for the past 13 years....and for 5 summers back in the day :-).  I love being a part of the Leadership Team, the Family Camp team, the Silent Sanctuary team, the Road Scholar team, etc.  

Jerry and I sense that same teamwork in our lives at this strange season.  We are surrounded by family and church prayer support, encouraging texts, wonderful chats, Facebook posts, Little Log Cabin Cousins Group :-), grandchildren visits (and children), food, phone calls,  and coffee dates. Just knowing that a few people are reading this simple blog is such a blessing to me!  We are told to "bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."  This is happening for us.  And we say THANK YOU!  It's what we as believers do. We say "praying" when someone posts a prayer request on Facebook.  We tell a hurting friend, "Keeping you in my prayers."  It is vital and important and needed....and let's me know that I'm not alone in this thing.   And yet, I am.

Last spring when I was spending time with a friend who was in her last earthly days, I was so happy to be there with her, to laugh with her, cry with her, pray for her, reminisce with her.  She blessed me way more than I possibly could have helped her.  She showed me how to fight, how to win, how to have joy even when the circumstances don't go the way we want.  I did what God wanted me to do. And yet I could drive away, stop and get a cup of coffee and go back to my life in my healthy body. The caring team surrounding her could only do so much...the rest of the battle, the foundation of the fight was for her alone.  Each and every person reading these words is engaged in some kind of battle.  We ALL have stuff to deal with.  Many difficulties we walk through no one sees, no one knows but God. Friends and family can walk with us....but they can't walk FOR us. I can't take up the shield of faith for you and you can't put on the armor of God for me.  

I can write the most glorious, praise-filled, victory infused words ever written, I can sing "all I need is you, Jesus...You're my breath, my life..." but when I step away from this computer, when I walk off the stage, when I am alone in my sunroom and a wave of fear tries to consume me, when I'm driving my car and sadness overtakes me and the tears fall as I cry out to God to let me live to see my grandchildren grow up and in the middle of the night when the "what if's" come knocking at the door....all of the worst case scenarios known to man....WHAT THEN?  Yes, even then, the prayers of God's people are holding my arms up.  BUT the foundation of the fight is for me and Jesus. The battle is the Lord's and He is my Shield and my Fortress.  Yes, and amen. But I need to acknowledge this and choose this and LIVE this.  And so must we all.  It's the same with salvation.  God did the complete work.  It is finished.  But each of us must choose this for ourselves.  So it is with the strength for this life.  God did the complete work.  Our part is to receive it, walk it, live it. This is where we get to live what we believe.

Tuesday is the day when I will hear the report from my PET scan tomorrow.  It's been a week of waiting, of victories and defeat, of beauty and ashes.   But TODAY, I receive the confidence from Psalm 112: 

 Praise the LORD!  How blessed is the woman who fears the LORD....She will have no fear of bad news; will not fear evil tidings; need not fear a bad report....her heart is steadfast; her heart remains secure; her heart is fixed; PREPARED IS HER HEART....trusting in the LORD; full of confidence in the LORD; trusting in JEHOVAH!  

And so, my friend, "At the close of the day, when you kneel to pray, will you remember me? I need help every day; this is why I say, will you remember me?  And, when I pray, I will pray for you.  For you need His love and His care.  When I pray, I will pray for you. I will whisper your name in my prayers." And, let us also bravely walk the path set before us with confidence and TRUST; with a prepared heart. Yes, and amen.