Monday, February 29, 2016

The Fellowship of the Travelers

My word for the moment is fellowship.  Can't get it out of my head!  It was a few days of fellowship....filled to the brim with meals with family and friends, babysitting babies, finally seeing my son's Philadelphia apartment (goodness, it took a doctor visit to get me to the city!!!), coffee dates, making beach plans, rejoicing in old friendships and impromptu visits. Fellowship. After a season of self-imposed exile, it felt so good to be back in the land of the living.  When I first went to the emergency room and we thought maybe I had pneumonia, I canceled everything. Didn't leave my house for a week. There was a freedom in having time to just BE. To spend hours journaling prayers and scripture and songs and just soaking in the Truth.  Remembering that this life is more than what we DO. So much more. Remembering that the our spirits are who we really are and rejoicing that my spirit can thrive even in a painful desert. Stripping away all the titles I've carried of worship leader, cook, employee, choir member, athlete, co-worker as well as daughter, mom, wife, sister, friend, Grams and knowing that being a BELIEVER is my most important title. One that will carry me through whatever I need to face in the here and now.

I've cautiously, slowly eased back into "normal" life.  It took me weeks to get up the courage to go to church (and I still have not been to a complete service)....afraid that the caring faces would cause me to just cry more and feeling at a loss of what to say since I didn't know anything.  Finally I attended a meeting after the service and was reunited with my worship team cohorts.  That was a perfect re-entry into my church fellowship. The hugs and prayers were a balm for my soul.  I'm ready to return. I'm ready to be on the worship team!  I may not be able to sing like before and I may shed a tear or two, but I CAN worship!!! I returned to choir practice tonight and the welcoming fellowship was sweet. My week is shaping up to be a typical pre-diagnosis week with work and grandchildren and fellowship....and life.  I like that.

Fellowship can take many different forms. Simply put, it's two fellows in a ship. Isn't that what we all are seeking? To know that we're not alone. To know that someone else is in our ship, helping to paddle and steer or just checking out the sights along the way. To feel like we're on the same team. This season of testing is reinforcing to Jerry and me that we are a team, in this together. That's a good thing to remember and a concept easily forgotten in the middle of a busy life where we're pulled in many different directions. Believers are encouraged to not forsake fellowshipping. We NEED each other. Fellowship can be messy...people don't always have the same opinions we do. Imagine that! Fellowship takes time! Being in fellowship requires putting our own needs, our own opinions to the side and seeing from another's point of view.  Just listening rather than talking. Asking sincere questions. Who doesn't love being asked a question that requires a thoughtful answer....and when the person actually takes the time to listen to the stumbling, rambling answer? I know I do. That is fellowship. Telling stories around the dinner table. Taking the time to help with a practical need. Sharing soup. Sharing smiles over a cup of tea. Sharing a walk. Fellowship. The Bible talks about this in Hebrews 10:23-25:
Let us hold fast the confession of our HOPE without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together...but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the day drawing near.
None of us knows the future....what the days ahead hold for our lives, our country, our world. But we can have HOPE that our faithful God will go with us, showing us how to love each other and walk in the good deeds that only we can do! We know that God has placed us here together for such a time as this. Fellowship opens the doors for God to work in our lives, to use us to bless others and bring them into richer fellowship with Him. I want to make my "dot" on this earth as full of fellowship as possible....fellowship with Jesus and fellowship with my beloved sojourners. Thank you for walking with us on this journey. This breath is all we have. Let's make the moments count! Party, um, I mean, fellowship on!

Thursday, February 25, 2016

THE PLAN.

Whew....at long last it's been confirmed that what we're fighting is the type of cancer that can be treated by a fairly new drug, a pill. It doesn't have too many side effects, thankfully, and has a very GOOD success rate in controlling and reducing and killing the cancer cells. (I'm not very technical, so that's about all I can say at this time!) I'm so thankful that God has helped scientists to find these options for us today!  This is the best case scenario in an unpleasant situation.  I'll take it.  With a grateful heart. We saw a doctor at Penn Medicine also and she confirmed the treatment plan that we are taking... as soon as the pills make their way to our home!

I'm so thankful to God for this result and this option!  I'm so thankful to all who have prayed for me...for all of us.... as we've waited these weeks for an official PLAN.  Thank you, dear warriors, friends, brothers and sisters for speaking to God on our behalf :-).  And so, I'll lay my head down on my pillow tonight KNOWING that, as before, God is in control of my life, my health, my family, my soul.

This is my prayer for each one of us on this blustery, cold winter's night:
Beloved, I pray that in ALL respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. (3 John 2)

To Be Continued......

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

The Shifting

Friends blessed Jerry and I with tickets to see Mark Lowry at the American Music Theater last Saturday night.  It felt so good to get dressed up for a fun outing sure to be filled with laughter and good music. We were not disappointed. What made it better was seeing some precious High relatives and friends, hearing their words of love and encouragement and feeling their support.  That has carried me through yet another week of waiting.

I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry when Mark began singing, "Everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die." It felt like the spotlight was shining down on me, that girl who still can't quite grasp that she's on this journey! Ummm, yeah! That sums up my thoughts since I first heard the c-word on January 12. I DO want to go to heaven, but I DON'T want to die! Not yet! That was the day THE SHIFTING began in my mind, in my thinking, in my heart.

If you and I have ever had a conversation about heaven you KNOW that I believe in it 1000%, plan on spending eternity there, certain that it will be faaaaaar beyond what we can imagine in our wildest dreams.  I love Randy Alcorn's books on heaven and the way he incorporates this theme in his novels. I believe the new earth will be even more spectacular than anything in this present earth. And I've already planned to sit on that new beach for hours in conversation and laughter and peace and warmth! I've embraced the concept that life on earth is a small dot at the beginning of a rope, that the rest of the endless rope is eternity.  How small is this dot that can loom so large, feel so critical, so all consuming, so....so permanent!!! That is, until a tragedy happens, a sickness, accident, unwelcome diagnosis, a tornado (like in our area this evening). At some point in our journey we will be made aware of our frailty, the tenuous grip we have on this brief life. Yes, I do want to go to heaven. And I've commented that I wouldn't know how hard I would strive to keep myself from going there. But that was before...

I've experienced THE SHIFTING. All of a sudden, 57 seems way too young to go there. I've gotten 3 grandchildren this year.  I want to see them grow up, long to be an important part of their lives for as long as possible! I want to see how my children maneuver the twists and turns of adulthood. I want to spend the next season of my life with Jerry and hug my parents for as long as I can! I have discovered a very, very strong will to LIVE....HERE! And I believe that this desire to live our lives on earth, to fulfill the plans God has for us is a gift from God Himself.  He has given us this life and we are to use the time He's given us to do what ONLY we can do. He knows our circumstances, our handicaps, our weaknesses and abilities, our limitations. Wherever you find yourself, as long as there is breath, there is hope, there is a purpose for YOU, for this day. Psalm 71:17,18 resonates within my heart and has become my prayer as well:
But as for me, I will HOPE continually, 
and will praise You yet more and more.
My mouth (and pen) shall tell of Your righteousness
And of Your salvation all day long;....
I will make mention of Your righteousness, YOURS ALONE.
O God, You have taught me from my youth,
And I STILL declare Your wondrous deeds.
And even when I am old and gray, O God, do not forsake me,
until I declare Your STRENGTH to THIS generation,
 Your POWER to all who are to come. 
YES! This is what I'm believing and hoping for.  That God will allow me to remain on this dot for a little longer so that I can declare His strength and His power to this new generation of babies and even those yet to come (no, this is not an official or unofficial announcement!).

And so I will fight.  With the help of many prayer warriors standing in the gap for me when I'm weak and weary, I will be an overcomer. HOPEFULLY, tomorrow we will finally know the results of my biopsy over two weeks ago.....and thus know what kind of treatment will be needed to fight this evil and WIN. I'm prepared to do whatever is suggested. I'm trying to mentally prepare for the worst case scenario while hoping and praying for the best case scenario. We're also getting a second opinion from a doctor at Penn Medicine tomorrow. This I do know - "The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed, and will bring me safely to His heavenly kingdom; to Him be glory forever and ever. Amen." (2 Tim. 4:18) Thank you for helping me on this journey with your prayers and notes and cards and texts!! You are being used mightily of God and we pray for you daily as well.

Isn't that what this journey is about? Walking together, following His leading each moment, loving others, serving, blessing. There are so many unknowns and so many things out of our control! We could drive ourselves and others crazy if we allow the "what if's" for tomorrow to take over our thoughts, our lives. If we don't have the confidence that our Father knows and sees and loves and has us in the palm of His hands, how could we endure?
But He does and we can :-).




Saturday, February 20, 2016

INFUSION

With the insurance company's 'blessing', Jerry and I returned to the Ann B. Barshinger Cancer Center for the first of 24 monthly infusions I am going to receive.  Dr. Oyer prescribed a strong medication that will strengthen my bones - preventing new cancer from advancing and fighting what is already present.  We walked down the hallway of the Infusion Therapy area.  I had no idea what to expect as I peeked into the individual suites. Each area had a recliner, TV, spacious windows, and of course, an IV.  Jerry was the dutiful husband carrying my heavy bag overflowing with laptop, devotional book, pencils, novel, coloring book, calendar, wallet (none of which I used!). I hugged my prayer shawl and wide-eyed inspected this new place that will be a part of my life. Since this was my first time, the obligatory talk about side effects was offered. I just wanted to get the show on the road and feel like I'm FINALLY doing something tangible to fight this thing....yes, I am praying (and thank you to all who are praying with us for good health) and I KNOW that is even more powerful than any medication....but I confess that it feels good to at least be taking this small step.  The Infusion Therapy staff greeted me and made me feel comfortable in this new place. "The Sisters" welcomed me cheerfully with a lovely bag filled with goodies. (I still have not gotten the results back from the biopsy.  Not the detailed information which will dictate what "the plan" will look like for me. My next doctor appointment is scheduled for Thursday. The expectation is to know at that time.  We're also getting a second opinion that day.) And so it begins. Jerry wondered around the building, bringing me pretzels because in my stuffed bag I neglected to include a snack of any kind! Imagine that! The 30 minutes of infusion passed quickly with phone calls and a chat with a nutritionist. How strange to go from watching every bite of food that I put in my mouth to make sure I don't gain a pound to making sure I eat enough to not lose any more pounds.  It only takes a moment, a word, to change our perspectives, doesn't it?

This new word - INFUSION - has intrigued me since becoming a part of my vocabulary. I feel the tug of God telling me that there is much to learn from this concept, this idea. So here's what little I do know about the actual process....Infusion treatment can take from 30 minutes to hours long.  It's done by putting an IV into your arm or hand (as was the case with me since I have a good vein there). One definition of infusion is "the act of adding one thing to another to make it stronger or better".  I like that! In the physical realm, I'm having a drug added to my body to make my bones stronger and better!  How does this apply to our real life - our walk with Jesus?

I found the word "infuse" in the Bible in Ezekial 37:5 NET: This is what the sovereign LORD says to these bones: Look, I am about to infuse breath into you and you will live. God is the author, the giver of life. His breath sustains and strengthens us. I desire to breathe in His breath with every breath that I take.  I receive that life to my dry bones today! May His Life and Light flow through every fiber of my being....filling my lungs with health and vitality. This is my prayer for my physical body. In the same way our spirits need His breath to stay alive and growing. How do we receive a fresh infusion of His breath each day? Each moment?

For those needing physical infusion treatments, it requires a sacrifice of time....a bit of discomfort....going there even on days when we don't feel like it...because it's what is NEEDED to become stronger and better.  How do we infuse the life of God into our regular lives...to become stronger believers, better ambassadors of Jesus?  Does it require time...a bit of discomfort....going to Him even at moments when we don't feel like it? Hmmmm, yes. But how do we fit this into our crowded days of babies, work, responsibilities? By starting each day when we open our eyes with a thankful prayer, by taking time in His Word, seeking to KNOW Him, by worshiping Him in our car as we travel, by lifting up our brothers and sisters as He brings them to mind, by acknowledging Him in the ordinary moments. by reflecting on His goodness at the end of each day.  As I was speaking with Dr. Oyer about the challenges I'm experiencing due to this unwelcome presence in my lungs, I mentioned that I'm not able to sing as well and have not been on the worship team since my diagnosis.....His wise reply was, "But it can't keep you from worshiping, can it?". How awesome is that!!!?  No matter what we are facing in this day, we can choose to allow the life of God to infuse us with His power and confidence and faith and hope and peace.....and health. Yes, there are times when I rip the IV out of my vein and allow fear to overtake me. But, with God's help, we can keep the infusion going through the good and the bad and the mundane.

This precious old hymn, penned in the 1800's, has been echoing through my mind this morning.....May it be your prayer for this day as well....


Breathe on me, Breath of God,
Fill me with life anew,
That I may love what Thou dost love,
And do what Thou wouldst do.

Breathe on me, Breath of God,
Until my heart is pure,
Until with Thee I will one will,
To do and to endure.

Breathe on me, Breath of God,
Blend all my soul with Thine,
Until this earthly part of me
Glows with Thy fire divine.

Breathe on me, Breath of God,
So shall I never die,
But live with Thee the perfect life
Of Thine eternity.


Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Identity

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." This was my day yesterday. I guess I had put too much hope in the doctor's expectation that we would have the test results back for my appointment and that today I would be starting on "the plan". That did not happen....and my spirit suffered a major setback. Instead we're waiting another week for those results and I'm waiting today to get insurance approval (seriously?) for beginning a treatment for my bones. My mood was echoed by the morning weather of pouring rain; gloomy and damp. I came home and placed myself on the couch in the not-so-sunny-room and stayed there much of the afternoon in tears and naps and prayers and battles.

Thank you to all who were praying for us!!! Because of those prayers, I believe, there were definite bright spots to the day, times when the sun did shine through the clouds of weariness and self-pity. God made His very presence KNOWN through an email from a friend...."close your eyes and imagine the sunshine I am sending ...be warmed by the love of our Father and your many friends". It was only moments later when the actual sun did peak through the clouds and filled the meadow with light where there had been grayness. I smiled. How good is God?

Also, even at the hospital we were in the waiting area for another x-ray when a dear friend "just happened" to be walking by as he left his own appointment! His hug was much needed. As was the surrogate hug from my oldest and dearest friend through her sister who "just happened" to be working in that department and "just happened" to see my name.  God is good!  He was showing me His love in those tender ways.

I even was able to go to dinner with friends and just chat and laugh and be a "normal" person for a bit. The extra blessing was getting to see my daughter and her husband at the same restaurant!!!  God is good! And I am thankful.

Twice yesterday I was reminded of the passage in 2 Corinthians 12 from the Amplified Version.  It's so powerful and bears writing out this morning as I face a new day with uncertainties and desires and peace....yes, peace came with the morning dawn....

....He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you (My lovingkindness and My MERCY are more than enough - always available - regardless of the situation); for My power is being perfected (and is completed and shows itself most effectively) in your weakness." Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ (may completely enfold me and) may dwell in me. So I am well pleased with weaknesses, .....with distresses, with difficulties, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak (in human strength), then I am strong (truly able, truly powerful, truly drawing from God's strength).

Toby Mac says, "Don't let your struggle become your identity".  I don't want that to happen with me!!!!  God help me. LORD, HAVE MERCY! I don't want to wear a "WARNING: CANCER" sign on my forehead. I want to be seen and known as a woman of God, reflecting His glory - no matter what circumstances come my way. This should be true whether I'm on stage leading worship or taking care of my grandchildren or sitting in my sunroom or laying in a hospital bed or meandering through the grocery store. Last week I passed a high school friend in the grocery aisle.  I could see the sympathy in her eyes as we walked by each other, the indecision whether to say something or just walk on with a hello. Just as we were about passed each other, she reached back and gently tapped me on the arm. "Thank you", I whispered as we slowly continued on. Her hand was a touch from God. Sometimes great words or even plain words aren't needed.....a simple touch or hug or smile can speak paragraphs and change the course of someone's day.

As the song says, He IS more than enough, for every thirst and every need.  Once again I'm reminded that my hope should be in Him and not in the doctors or "the plan" or my own flimsy strength or even in the many blessings we have....but in God alone.  He is the only One who can fill the emptiness in our souls and give peace and courage and comfort that lasts.  So, whatever your day holds, KNOW that God is offering His lovingkindness and mercy to YOU.  We do not all have that c-word hanging over us but we all have challenges and areas of concern and doubt.  Let's not be known by our struggles but as a person who trusts in God and reflects His strength in our own weaknesses. Yes, and amen.


Monday, February 15, 2016

Metamorphosis

My young friend, Stephanie, has been to hell and back in the past few years. She has taken painful step after painful step with God's help through the ups and downs of her journey. At long last this young woman is seeing light and is experiencing renewed joy and freedom.  People are noticing this and have commented that she's 'back to her old self". But Stephanie declares that she's NOT her old self. God is molding and shaping her into the person He desires her to be...He has restored her joy. His strength has made her stronger than she ever was before. She's been made NEW.

Saturday I was ironing the only tablecloth I have that is big enough to cover my extended table.  My family was getting together to celebrate our beautiful daughter's birthday....yes, better late than never!  (It's amazing how family dinners have changed since we've added 3 little people in the past year :-)!) The tablecloth was purchased at some random auction, I'm sure.  Yes, I'm the crazy lady that buys the box lots of linens....old doilies, tablecloths, dresser scarves....they are treasures waiting to be discovered and given a place of honor in my home. I love most of them and am not deterred from using them because of stains and holes. To me, that shows a useful and productive life. Well, this particular tablecloth could have easily come from my dear Grandma Deiter's linen closet. There were not many stains but there was a six inch patch that had been placed along one edge, neatly sewed in but still very noticeable in today's culture of perfectionism.  I looked for it as I gently placed the antique on my table......where was that patch? Had it been in a noticeable place, even I would not have used it.  But it hung obscured from view down the side. I kept it. Maybe I'll ask for a new tablecloth for Christmas this year!

But it got me thinking about Stephanie's comment and my own journey...how I feel that much of who I am is being challenged.  So many things that were close to the center of my identity, my values, my way of life are being changed.  The foundation of my life remains.....Jesus, family, trust, people, gratefulness, worship, hope. But from there on out a shaking is occurring.  It's inevitable that with trauma of any kind, a shifting happens.  We lose a job, a shift. We get married or have a child, a major adjustment. A significant lose occurs, shaking our being.  The earthquake reveals our foundations and the cracks that may be there, the areas of repentance and repair needed, of healing and restoration. Yes, we've all heard the challenge that difficulties can make us better or bitter.  I not only want to be better, I want to be NEW.

I don't want to be the old tablecloth with a patch on it.  I want...I NEED to be made new. To experience a METAMORPHOSES...."A change of a person into a completely different one by natural or SUPERNATURAL means." I just want to become more like Jesus. Period. To be the person that He created me to be. That can happen from a hospital bed, from my sunroom, from a wheelchair, on the job, rocking a baby, leading a business meeting, teaching students, putting in stepwork, studying for a law degree, giving massages, enforcing the law (nod here to my precious children). Change is not about the where or why or how. It's about our attitude, our response to the things that happen to and around us.  Lord, have mercy.  Make me NEW. Re-NEW my vision, re-NEW my purpose, re-NEW my attitudes. I love this promise, this task given to each believer....

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a NEW creature;
the old things passed away;
behold, NEW things have come.
Now all these things are from God,
who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us 
THE MINISTRY OF RECONCILIATION,
namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself,
not counting their trespasses against them,
and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.
Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ,
as though God were making an appeal through us;
we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf,
so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.
2 Cor. 5:17-21 NASB

You and I, as believers, have been given this task, this honor, this privilege of reconciliation!  I think I would have trouble entrusting so large of a job to people such as me, as us...but this is God's plan. So I start this day with renewed desire to fulfill the purpose for which He has placed me here...for such a time as this.  I view this blog as a joyous opportunity to encourage my friends as we sojurn together through the mud and snow and hail and sunshine, to remember our task!!!  My current battle is bringing much into focus....changing me....making me NEW. What will YOUR ministry of reconciliation look like today?

Speaking of NEW.....as many of you know, I like to change my hair on occasion :-) ....color, cut, style, etc.  It's been many years since I've made such a major change.  But in this season of newness and change, I took the plunge once again.  My long hair felt like it was weighing me down, it was time to go. My new hairstyle represents to me freedom, spunkyness and confidence....a new season.  This season includes way more doctor visits than I've ever had! My next appointment is tomorrow morning.  At that time we should have the results from the tests that were done. I am hopeful that the tests will reveal the type of cancer that can be treated with a pill. Praise God for NEW research and medical advances that He has enabled!!! But until tomorrow....until the unknowns are known....until the day we worship Jesus around the throne in the perfect home....

"But until then....
my heart will go on singing,
until then, with joy I'll carry on.
Until that day my eyes behold the city.
Until the day, God calls me home."

Thursday, February 11, 2016

CHECK!

Whenever my co-workers and I come to the end of an event - when "Clifford" the big red van is unloaded of the leftovers and debris from the food stops and the riders have all safely been returned to Black Rock Retreat after riding 125 miles for the BR2RB Bike-A-Thon (and we've savored our Dairy Queen stop); when the golfers for the Golf Outing are heading home and we've braved rain, wind, cold to keep them fed and help them have fun as they support the ministry of Black Rock Retreat; after a meaningful banquet for sharing what God is doing at Black Rock Retreat with long-time and new supporters....we smile at each other with thankful hearts to God and declare "CHECK!!!!" (as in "check this off our list till next week when we start the planning process all over again").  It is with that same thankful heart to God for His help in my big events of the past few weeks that I've been able to say "check" to a few things that will never make it to anyone's Bucket List, for sure....

Many of you have already had the pleasure :-\ but these have been my new experiences: X-rays, CT scan, PET scan, MRI, lung biopsy, fluid being drained from lining around same lung which resulted in collapsed lung, chest tube to help same lung return to normal and hospital stay.  Whew, lots of new experiences.  I must say that so far, my fears have been worse than the reality. Isn't this the case most of the time???  I did meet some very special people and encountered tenderness and caring at almost every single interaction.  A special gift was having an old Choraleer (touring chorus) friend who has successfully won his own battle with cancer as the charge nurse for 8 LIME.  His hugs and kind words meant the world to me.  Thank you, Bob! My visitors brightened my day as a patient as well. Nevertheless, I was so happy to come home last evening.  Today I've been allowing my body to rest from the various traumas it endured :-).  Thank you to ALL who have been praying for me....more about that later....

Jerry has been asking me what God is speaking to me about this.  To this point I've had nothin'....no revelation, no certain confidence other than knowing that God will be with me and give me peace. But tonight I read a comment by speaker and author, Bill Yount that really resonated with my spirit. He shared that many years ago when he was in the emergency room the words from Jeremiah 30:17 became real to him:  (when I looked this up several additional verses jumped out to me as well)
"Why do you cry out over your injury"
Because your pain is incurable. (you can believe that word grabbed my attention!)
Because your iniquity is great
And your sins are numerous.....
Therefore all who devour you will be devoured....
For I will restore you to health,
And I will heal you of your wounds, declares the Lord."(NASV)
Mr. Yount also said that his prayer these past 14 years has been "Lord, have mercy". Yes!  Finally something that I can hang my running cap on! This is my heart's cry!  Lord, have mercy! No, I don't deserve Your health, Your touch, Your great lovingkindness...but yes I receive it because Jesus paid the price for me!  There is NO condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.  All have sinned.  All deserve to be punished from turning our backs on God and living in selfishness and willfullness. ALL. But all can cry out to Jesus and be set free.  Yes, it's scary to even declare this verse so boldly to you....the what if's are trying to pull my fingers off of the keyboard as I write.  But I say, "Lord, have mercy" and keep typing anyway.  I will keep fighting anyway. 

Seriously though, I'm not a warrior, people! I'm still grappling with the reality that I'm in this battle. Life as I know it will never be the same. "Deep inside this armor....this warrior is a child".  There are moments when I drop my sword and huddle in fear and let the tears flow. There are moments of joy and freedom and laughter.... and grandchildren.  No, my life will never be the same...but maybe it will be better?  I'm trusting for God to be glorified in this journey and for myself and those around me to grow closer to Jesus, closer to becoming the people He created us to be.  Today, in the middle of my fears, I chose to praise Him and thank Him for who He is, for His kindness, for His healing, for His MERCY.  Lord, have mercy!

Thank you so much for praying for me and my whole family!!!  I know that your prayers are keeping us stronger than we actually are and giving us wisdom and courage. Jerry and I are praying that each and every one of you who are investing in our lives with your prayers and love and food and notes will be blessed abundantly above all you can ask or imagine.  May the strength you are praying into our souls be returned to you in good measure and may God grant YOU the desires of your heart. Thank you for praying prayers of thanksgiving and praise with us....thanking God that he is devouring the cancer cells that are trying to devour me, that He is restoring me to health and healing my wounds. Praying that the mercy of God will overtake us....Lord, have mercy!
"Grace be with you, mercy, and peace,
from God the Father,
And from the Lord Jesus Christ,
the Son of the Father,
in truth and love.
2 John 1:3 KJV

Monday, February 8, 2016

Very. Present.

I have a confession to make....I've never seen the movie "The Passion of the Christ".  My family went; I stayed home.  As mentioned before, I get easily overwhelmed and emotional by those kind of visuals.  I don't think I need to see the movie to grasp the price He paid for me to be a child of God. Lately, however, I've been thinking about those precious, nail-scarred, tender hands. In my journal I drew (NOT an artist) hands with scars and scrawled my name across them. Jesus said to Thomas, "Reach here with your finger, and see my hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing....Because you have seen me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed."  THAT'S US!  I receive that blessing from Jesus! I take comfort in seeing those strong hands that suffered such pain so that I can be at peace. Our names are written in the palm of those hands.

I thought again of the crucifixion and the pain that Jesus endured.  Jesus bravely walked into the UNKNOWN of physical pain and suffering....and the KNOWN of carrying the weight of the sins of ALL of mankind, the KNOWN of His Father turning His face away, the KNOWN of certain death....and the KNOWN of glorious resurrection and joy and redemption. With all of these KNOWNS and UNKNOWNS He traveled the journey set before Him.

As a medical newbee, all of the new procedures I'm experiencing are unknowns that bring a battle with fear to my soul.  I'm seeking to live this journey with God's peace as my guide.  I don't know what to expect with the lung biopsy tomorrow when Jerry drives me to the hospital through the snow. So many unknowns!  But this morning, God reminded me that He is a very present help in trouble. Yes,yes, I know His presence is always with me.  But why the added emphasis - VERY?

Jesus was very present on that cross - He had no anesthesia as the nails were pounded into His hands and feet; was not even in the "twilight zone" (which is where I'm told I'll be) when the soldiers drove a spear into His side.  He felt it all. He. was. very. present. He is present with us in our trouble as well......

GOD is my refuge and strength,
a VERY present help in trouble.
(Psa. 46:1)

A friend, when going through a terrible time of grief, felt the comforting, tangible hand of God on her back.  I'm so thankful that God isn't some cosmic force hovering around the earth and maybe randomly stopping by to check up on us!  He is very present in our lives, in our pain and failures and joys and successes and unknowns.  Therefore I will NOT fear....I can walk confidently into my unknown because I DO know that Jesus is walking beside me.  His nail-scarred hand is resting ever so gently upon my head.  He is very present....even as close as a gentle breath upon my cheek and the soft whisper...."My daughter, Do not be afraid. I am with you. Always, And forever."  And I think if you listen closely, you will hear His reassuring whisper in your heart as well..........


Sunday, February 7, 2016

The Yo-Yo

Good morning, fellow travelers! May you know God's presence in your life this beautiful Sunday morning. I'm huddled in front of my computer with a hot cup of coffee between me and the keyboard, the steam is warming my face - my mug says "Best Sister Ever" which I'm certain is NOT true but the sentiment makes me smile (Thank you, sister Carol!);  I'm wrapped in a beautiful LAVENDER prayer shawl that a friend who also happens to be my first-cousin-once-removed just made for me, each stitch representing a prayer (Thank you, dear Linda!); I have a view of the peaceful meadow filled with sun and shadow.  This is the day the LORD has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. 

Yes, I did get the call with the results of my fun brain MRI.  And, yes, once again I heard the words that I did not want to hear.  There are four very small spots on my brain that should not be there. Sigh. Once again I had the honor of declaring that my heart is steadfast on the LORD, He has prepared me for this battle, He is with me. He is not surprised. The treatment will remain the same with the same potential outcome of healing and getting rid of those renegade cells in my body.  But the next step will all be determined when they do intricate testing from my lung biopsy.  This is scheduled for Tuesday at 10AM. (Prayers for courage appreciated!) I am meeting with the doctor the next day to discuss if we'll do something in the meantime because those results won't be available for a week or so.  In the meantime....God is reminding me of His power and great lovingkindness; He's showing me how to pray; He's clarifying WHAT my purpose is for being on this earth.

As we processed this new news, Jerry commented that he feels like a yo-yo in the hands of God. Have you ever felt that way?  Tossed and turned, spun around till you're so dizzy you want to shout, "Stop the world, I want to get off!"? What an accurate analogy!  The journey can be daunting but this knowledge gives me peace... The yo-yo expert can orchestrate the yo-yo to go just about anywhere.....but ONLY within in the parameters of the string!  The yo-yo is ALWAYS attached to the master's finger, whether softly spinning up close to his hand or at the far end of the string; the yo-yo expert does not let go.  He always has a plan to pull the yo-yo back up, to ease the tension on that little piece of wood or acrylic or whatever those things are made of! There is a purpose and a plan, each movement is not random.  Now, if I were to try some of those yo-yo tricks I've just watched on YouTube or even just try the basic elements, I would surely fail! I'm not skilled enough to do that job. Am I skilled enough to control the movements of my life? Ummm, no! Well, none of us are really. My life is in God's hands, and there's no place I'd rather be.  I'd much rather be a yo-yo in God's control than trying to master my own fate!

God has boundaries, places where He has said, "This far and no more". Sometimes we reach a place and declare that this is it!!! We've reached the end of our string, there is no more downward trajectory that can be made....only to find that, yes, there is! Sometimes it's not fun or what we would hope for. We all know and have experienced this! Jeremiah 5:22 says:
"Do you not fear Me?"declares the Lord.
"Do you not tremble in My presence?
For I have placed the sand as a boundary for the sea,
An eternal decree, so it cannot cross over it.
Though the waves toss, yet they cannot prevail;
Though they roar, yet they cannot cross over it."

Yes, there have been a few times when God has permitted the waters to cross over those boundaries. We would not choose this. We can't control it, can't understand it! I have a simple way of thinking and so I don't even try to understand all of God's ways or the whys of many events. But I seek to have a simple TRUST in my Father and His goodness.  And I take comfort in His boundaries.

He established a boundary for Job as well.  He told satan where the end of the string was for Job's life.  He said, "This far and no more".(Job 2:2) Job proved to be faithful, even at the end of his string. He praised and worshiped God in the midst of unthinkable hardship and pain.  I want this little yo-yo to be found faithful. 

So, what is the purpose for this life; why are we on this earth anyway?  As a child of God, my main purpose is to honor God and point to HIM in all that I say and do.
  "Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever."
I have sadly missed the mark more times than I care to remember!  I have walked in selfishness and pride and self-will and anger....not a pretty sight! But His mercies are new each day for me, for YOU! Today is a new day to honor Him.  How many times have I sung, "This is my desire....to honor You! Lord, with all my heart I worship You.....All that is within my, I give You praise.  Lord, with all my heart, I worship You....every breath that I take....every moment I'm awake, Lord have Your way in me....TO HONOR YOU."?  This truly IS my desire.

YES, I want to be healed, I'm believing for complete healing for this earthly body, for many years ahead to love on my grandchildren and do lots more Silent Sanctuary Retreats and cook for my family and drink coffee with friends and have "walk and talks" and host "Dessert on the Deck" and go to the pool with my dad and sing on the worship team and get massages from my daughter....and write :-).  YES, and amen.  BUT, more than anything I will declare with Habakkuk (and I ask you to join me!):
Though the fig tree should not blossom,
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stall,
YET I WILL EXULT IN THE LORD,
I WILL REJOICE IN THE GOD OF MY SALVATION.
THE LORD GOD IS MY STRENGTH,
AND HE HAS MADE MY FEET LIKE HINDS' FEET,
AND MAKES ME WALK ON MY HIGH PLACES.

Thank you, for your prayers and support and encouragement! Let's pray together with thanksgiving and confidence in the promises of God's word.  May God's richest blessings be poured out upon your life!





Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Wait

The majestic bird stood in the middle of the farmer's field like a king surveying his kingdom.  His dark body was a sharp contrast to the white snowy ground.  His large, beautiful head proudly held high.  Yes, I LOVE living in this little corner of Lancaster County surrounded by Amish schoolhouses, winding roads and the occasional bald eagle.  I excitedly turned the car around at the next intersection and hurried back hoping to capture a picture of this powerful bird. But he decided to fly away before I was able to get a good shot.  One time Jerry and I saw about 25 eagles in a grove of trees near our house.  WOW.  I've seen them as I jog, on my way to work and looking out my sunroom windows.  Each and every time  it's been a powerful reminder of God's truth from Isaiah 40:29-31:
God gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

I AM weary this evening....weary of waiting.....waiting to hear the results from my brain MRI today. Weary of waiting to have a lung biopsy and then waiting to get those results! So much waiting!  And I know that many many others have waited much longer for the desires of their hearts.  I've just begun learning how to do this waiting thing.  (A note about the MRI from this newbie to the medical arena:  It is loud!  Makes the strangest noises as you are supposed to lie completely still.  I think I did ok at that part.  I had determined to do my usual strategy for when I can't sleep at night.  I go through the alphabet and pray for the person who pops into my mind - a man and a woman.  I made it to "L" today.  Sooooooo, perhaps YOUR name was whispered to God in my 30 minutes in that noisy tube.  I didn't do this because I'm a good prayer warrior....I did it to keep my mind from feeling sorry for myself and worrying about the potential outcome of this test.) 

But when I saw that eagle yesterday, I know God was reminding me of that scripture passage and the beautiful truths of the eagle.  I heard a long time ago that an eagle renews his strength by sitting and facing the sun, soaking in the warmth.  Eagles also love storms and soar above them rather than hiding in the trees like the other birds.  Oh my, I am so not like an eagle in this regard!  

These past few days, I have not "had" the time in the morning to soak up the SON.  It shows in the weariness that I feel when the evening fades and all is silent.  There is nothing that can compare to that time alone with Jesus in His word and soaking in His lovingkindness and hearing His voice.  I need to make this a priority!  For the past number of years, I've been so disciplined in the area of exercise and eating, but this discipline needs some tending to! Some attention.  Some priority.  And it shouldn't just happen in a crises when we are crying out to God for something.  He gives wisdom and His perspective and all that we need when we seek Him. This I believe.

In closing will you permit me to sing a bit for you tonight?  Join with me if you know this tune from my youth....

Teach me LORD to wait, down on my knees

till in Your own good time You've answered me pleas.
Teach me not to rely on what others do 
But to wait in prayer for an answer from You.

Teach me LORD to wait, while hearts are aflame.
Let me humble my pride and call on Your name
Keep my faith renewed, my eyes on Thee
Help me be on this earth what You want me to be!!!!

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.
They shall mount up with wings as eagles!
They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
Teach me LORD, teach me LORD to wait.

So I've decided that I am not going to wait for those results.  I'm going to TRY to not live holding my breath.  I'm going to WAIT FOR THE LORD!  I want to follow Paul and Silas' example.  While they were in prison, they waited for the LORD by worshiping Him. And God came to their rescue. I believe He still rescues us today.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  So, whatever nasty prison of circumstances we find ourselves in today....friends, let's worship and wait and become on this earth who HE wants us to be.  


Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Diagnosis

Dear Friends....
this will not be a long post with well thought out words and stories.....
But I just want to share with you who have been praying for us on this journey what we found out today.

I have been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer....because it has spread to a few other spots.  This is not happy news.  BUT, there is hope!  The team thinks that I most likely have the type of atypical lung cancer that is "easily" treated with an oral pill.  THIS is my hope.

First I must have a brain MRI to confirm that the cancer has not spread there.  Of course, I will be glad to get confirmation that all is well with my brain (yes, as much as possible!).

Secondly, I will have a lung biopsy.  This does not sound like a happy procedure. My sons and husband have been offering to do it for me with their drills, etc.  How thoughtful ;-). But this will let us know exactly what type of cancer this is.  My prayer is that it's what they expect.

They have told me that my part is to stay positive, eat right, exercise and "communicate, communicate, communicate".  I told them about my new blog and feel like this is a good fit for me to share my updates as well as my ramblings :-).

Tonight my heart is thankful and full.  My precious family (except for our loved police officer) came and filled our home with love and laughter and babies.  My prayer remains to honor God with all that I am and all that He has given me. Thank you SO much to all who have whispered my name in your prayers and carried us with your concern and love.

Psalm 20:1,4 - "May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob set you securely on high! May He grant you your heart's desire, And fulfill all your counsel!"   This is my prayer for you....for us all.


I am a Poem

  A new day beckoned and I awoke With a dream to write a poem When the new day spoke: "I am a poem", said the day. "I will be...