the daily sacrifice

The carcass, the blood, THE SMELL.....these memories of butchering day on Grandpa Deiter's farm are still vivid even after more than fifty years! Of course I was not involved in all of the activities from that day. But I remember the mess. I remember the distinctive aroma.

"Offer to God a SACRIFICE of thanksgiving and pay your vows to the Most High. Call upon Me in the day of trouble. I shall rescue you, and you WILL honor Me." Psalm 50:14, 15

Sacrifices were common back in Old Testament days - not so much today! So what DOES a sacrificed life look like? Is it all clean and pretty and wrapped up in a bow like a Christmas present? This is how I would like my life. All questions answered, all fears squelched, all doubts dissipated. NO MORE TEARS OR PAIN! But reality says that sacrifices are MESSY! There is death and there is MESS. It's not a pretty sight.

But God calls us to die to ourselves. Daily. We give thanks when things are in turmoil. When people let us down, when sickness creeps in, when comparison eats away our joy, when bitterness begins to fester. We give God our mess, our dysfunction, our doubts. "The trouble with a living sacrifice is that it keeps crawling off of the altar!" So we keep climbing back up on the altar day after day. This is another glorious exchange.....we die and our life is hidden with Jesus safe in the arms of God. I'll take that life any day.

And though sacrifice is messy and smelly, the aroma that reaches God is a sweet smelling fragrance! Sacrificing our rights and selfishness and shedding the light on His faithfulness and constant comfort pleases our Father. Intentional gratitude honors God.

"Through Jesus then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that give thanks to Him name." Hebrews 13:15 

So once again this morning I slowly crawled out of bed and dropped to the floor, face down before the Sustainer of my life. Arms outstretched, I thanked Him for this new day. Sure, I wish some pieces of my life were different. But my life is wrapped up with His, held together by Him. I am not my own, bought at great cost by Jesus. And I trust Him to bring glory to God through this imperfect, messy sacrifice.

Opening the Gift

Ok folks, so I am no theologian! The whole principle of healing has given me issues for many years. I know what the Bible says.....and yet struggle to understand how to walk that out practically. I've wasted too many moments trying to "earn" my healing by declaring the right promises, speaking the Word often enough, loudly enough, emphatically enough. Who was I trying to convince? Myself? God? Satan? The cancer cells? All of the above, probably, at one time or another!

Please understand me. I'm not saying there's no place for declaration and confession. I love speaking the Word of God, journaling the Scriptures. But as always, God looks at our hearts and checks our motives. God is a God of PEACE. So when I am striving in an area, I'm missing the mark. Frantically scrambling to get what I want, to ease the battle I am currently engaged in, to hurry the process and skip this painful part of my journey is not God's best for me.


Walking down my country road recently I was reminded of what Jesus accomplished on the cross. It was the GREAT EXCHANGE. My salvation was bought by His blood. My peace was purchased by His anguish. My joy, my righteousness was given because He took my punishment.  He provided a garment of praise for my spirit of heaviness. My healing was paid for by His wounds.

It is not difficult for me to receive my salvation. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my debt has been paid. I am cleansed and forgiven and utterly loved. I have a home in heaven with my Father waiting for me. I don't have to strive for it or work for it or earn it. Even if I try, it would never be enough. It's a GIFT to be received with thankfulness and surrender. I'm learning how to apply that simple truth to the other provisions from that exchange.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the GIFT OF GOD; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast, For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:8-10

Do I always walk in the complete fullness of the gift that Jesus gave? No! But that doesn't mean it's not available to me. It's a gift for me to receive each day, each moment. Is my body always in perfect health? Obviously not. But I believe it's provided, it's a gift to be received. "The chastening for our well-being (peace) fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed." Isaiah 53:5b So now when I start to stress and want to begin striving, I reach out in faith and receive that gift from Jesus. Our job is to receive the gift. His job is to provide. The how and when is in His Hands! I'm at peace with that. When my heart is heavy and filled with sadness, am I going to just shrug my shoulders and say, "Well, ok, I'm living in this world so this is bound to happen, I might as well get used to it?" No! I bring my thoughts back to God who has promised to be with me and give me peace even in the difficulties of life which we all face. I seek to keep myself at the foot of the cross, reaching out to receive what He has provided. So whether I receive a miraculous healing on earth or walk in health because of powerful medicine or find my healing as I breathe my first breath in heaven, I know I have received it.

Are you unwrapping the gift today?

Breaking the Surface

Just saw this old recipe in my book! I can hardly believe that my "precious moments" birthday girl will have her own 3 year old in a few months!!! "The days are long but the years are so short!"
I had a positive doctor visit yesterday for which I am so grateful. Once again I'm in partial remission. I shouldn't have to think about that word "cancer" for at least 3 months. Riiiiiight :-\. I have to be honest and say that there are many many moments when the seriousness of this diagnosis overtakes me. I rebel against the death sentence hanging over my head! And yet, just as many times Jerry reminds me that ALL humans have that same death sentence. Those of us living with health issues are just more aware of it. I know I am healed. But the time and how is in God's hands.
Today, I'm thanking God for those crazy years with my adorable children, for the years to see them reach for Him and follow their dreams. And I pray, as Hezekiah did, for many more years on this earth. I want to be a present Grams!

But I'm so SO thankful to know that I know that I know that this life is just the title page of a glorious book yet to be written. Some day I will break the surface of the water and with a gasp take my first pure, eternal breath! And I'll brush the water from my eyes and gaze in wonder and amazement at my new home prepared for me and the One who made the way where there was no way. Thank You, Jesus!

Scars: optional

Wounds are not optional; they happen. If you are alive on planet earth, you will be wounded! BUT scars are optional.

Last winter I experienced a wound on my foot that didn't want to heal. No one saw it but, oh I felt it! Left alone it could have led to a major infection. It could have become smelly, even uglier and messier. But I did treat it. I made time to do what needed to be done to promote healing. The process was not fun. I limped around in the process. Eventually complete healing was achieved - but a scar remains.

Many years ago two of my aunts and I talked about the process of growing older. We talked about the fact that as people age, we lose our filters. We'd all seen undealt with injuries squirting out at the most inopportune times! Wounds left to themselves become ugly and demanding. They cause us to remember hurts from 36 years ago with pain. They pop up in our words of judgment and criticism oozing with anger and frustration. They sever relationships, hinder friendships, weaken our testimony, destroy marriages. Old, unhealed wounds are nasty and smelly and messy. 

We asked God to help us to grow old gracefully and wisely; choosing to deal with our wounds as they occur. We made this promise to each other and plea to God when life was peaceful and plans were going according to our schedules. The past three years have brought two cancers and a major disability into our worlds but our heart's cry is still the same. We are still determined to bring the daily wounds to our heavenly Father for healing. We choose to forgive. We choose to love. We choose to praise and rejoice in the midst of our suffering. We choose intentional thankfulness; choosing gratitude over entitlement. To live God's Word. As the years go by and we approach the years of weakening filters, may we continue to surrender to the work of God in our lives; bringing healing to the wounds of life. By HIS wounds we ARE HEALED. Dear friends, let's do what it takes to walk in His healing and wear our scars to the glory of God.

Letting Go

It was a little over a year ago when my "replacement" (with added responsibilities) joined the Black Rock Retreat team once again. Jamie and I had worked in the same building the first two years of this current part of my Black Rock Retreat career. Though our paths rarely crossed in that short time, from the moment I knew that he was considering applying for this new position, I was hopeful that it would be him. On his first day as my replacement and new supervisor he came into my office, pulled up a chair, leaned forward and looked into my eyes. "How are you?", he asked with a deep compassion that brought tears to my eyes. I knew all would be well.

Jamie's first week last year was during our sixth Family Camp. It was my honor to be the leader of our Family Camp team from day one till the last day of Family Camp #6. At that point, Jamie took the lead. Last week we hosted Family Camp #7. This time I was an assistant. I went from being the leader of the most awesome group of talented men to a small voice with limited responsibilities. Letting go.

Letting go can be difficult. But my parents have led the way and shown us how to walk this journey. When the time was right, they let go of their much loved careers and embraced new part-time careers. But eventually the process of growing older led them to letting go of these to move to a retirement community. This huge step involved letting go of their home, their accumulated possessions, their town, their way of life. My dad also let go of driving because of impaired vision. This could not have been easy for this man who hauled giant steel girders up and down the east coast for much of his career! He also released his grip on hunting, a lifelong hobby. On top of that, a few months later we had to say goodbye to my brother who left this life unexpectedly. And then, after a few years of being settled into a much loved cottage, they had to move because their cottage was to be torn down due to an expansion project. Yet another unexpected change and another opportunity to let go and trust God for the next step.

Through it all, they rarely complained, rarely had a pity party, rarely grumbled. They showed us by example how to walk this always changing pathway of letting go with grace and peace....trusting God.

Letting go takes trust. Trusting God that the next step will be good, that He will fill the void. Holding on can lead to hardship; letting go can lead to lasting peace.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die;

A time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to break down and a time to build up;

A time to weep and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get and a time to lose;

A time to keep and a time to cast away;

A time to rend and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence and a time to speak;

A time to love and a time to hate;

A time of war and a time of peace....

HE has made everything beautiful in His time."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11a

A different kind of shouting....or results: take 2

Hearing the word "progression" is NOT what any cancer survivor wants. And yet, for many of us, this is our journey. I really really had hoped to be on my current medication for years and years. That was not to be. Though I am feeling fine, recent scans show progression in various areas.

In the days following my doctor appointment I had time alone to process this shattering news. I confess to shouting to my dear heavenly Father......"so many others are on this drug for years, WHY NOT ME?????!!!!" Why not, indeed. I looked at the glass in my hand and could easily have thrown it at the wall with all my strength. Thankfully, practicality won that battle. Who would have cleaned up the mess? Uh, that would be me! As I wrote down that question, God clearly spoke to me (not audibly) the words spoken by Jesus many years ago, "What is that to you? You follow me." Yes, Lord, I hear you.

Yesterday, a different kind of shouting was heard in my kitchen. I received a phone call from my nurse navigator, Amy Jo, with the news that my test results showed the hoped for result: the cancer cells had developed a resistance to my current medication. The wonderful news is that there is another drug that will do the work of my previous one AND find it's way around the resistance. I completely expect to be in remission once again. The unknown.....AGAIN....is how long this drug will work. Ah, the glorious unknown. But each day of remission is a day closer to healing. Each day is a gift.

Dear friends, your prayers and words of encouragement and hope have been a gift to us. I'm so thankful. For you. For the gift of time. Days to make memories, to share love, to enjoy the zinnias, to embtace my job, to float in the pool and jump the waves in the ocean. To worship and pray. To forgive and give hugs. To walk and talk or just sit and cry. To kiss grandbabies.

How are you filling your days? Make them good ones because there is one huge UNKNOWN for all of us. We don't know when our earthly days will end and eternity begins. For now, we are here. Let's make the most of these opportunities to be God's hands and feet, His ambassadors in this world. So today I'm gonna swim with my grandbabies and help plan Family Camp and pick worship songs for next Sunday. How about you?

And the results are in......or going to Plan C

I sat in my sunroom, waiting for the phone to ring, letting me know what those awesome machines have found. Finally I received the call from my nurse navigator, Amy. She opened my results as we chatted. Moments passed as the computer froze up and she had to reboot. In desperation she went to another computer and tried another pathway into my results. Meanwhile my heart was pounding, I could hardly breath. I leaned my head back and said a prayer.

Finally the computer cooperated and we were in business. The news was a little good and a little bad, unfortunately. On the wonderful note, I DID receive my NED from my brain MRI! This is the best news of the year. The four spots previously seen have been resolved. I breath a huge sigh of relief knowing that at this time, my brain is free from cancer. Thank You God!!!!! This makes me smile.

However, some nodules in my lungs have grown and smaller ones have formed - all this since November. An area of bone has gotten better but another area has gotten worse. There are a smattering of other suspicious spots in that general area. Clearly, the Tarceva is losing it's effectiveness. SIGH.

I really really hoped to be on Tarceva for many years....and even get to the place of not needing it at all.....as we talked about in my last doctor appointment. But this is not to be my story. Thursday I will meet with Dr. Oyer to talk about the next treatment plan. First line of treatment got me 17 months of good health. Who knows what the next will do? Possibly many more.

I have not lost hope. There are a number of newer drugs that I can take as well as immunotherapy and finally chemo. AND, Tarceva was not my healer. Drugs and immunotherapy and chemo are not my healer. GOD is my Healer. I'm looking to Him for guidance. His Presence is life to my bones and healing to all my flesh.

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Oh sure, the tears are once again close to the surface. But I will continue to love, do life, pull weeds, float in my pool, make coffee, babysit my grands, laugh.

Thank you to those who have prayed for us this past year and a half! Please continue to speak to God on our behalf :-). I don't know how I would have made it without your support. We are asking God for complete wholeness, that the cancer is rebuked in Jesus name, for wisdom for Dr. Oyer and us, for financial provision. For PEACE in the journey. For a heart that looks outward from my pain and says, "God, how can I be Your ambassador today?" After all, isn't that what life is all about?

Looking Inside.....on getting an MRI

Taking a look inside.....that's what will be happening for me this Friday morning. I've not had a complete chest and abdomen scan or brain MRI since near the beginning of this journey. After 18 months of outwardly seeing great results and miraculous health, it's time to take a peak inside so see what is really going on. I've not been in a hurry to get scans. But it's time. Cancer survivors call the emotions leading up to this "scanxiety". It's the unknown AGAIN. Waiting and wondering. Being hopeful and yet uncertain. The pictures will show. AT LEAST we have the capability to see inside today, right?


Outwardly, everything appears to be good, normal. But that was the case before my diagnosis and yet the cancer was quietly spreading throughout my body! I was eating healthy foods and exercising and still it was moving from my lung to lymph nodes, bone and brain! The only way to get an accurate assessment is to look deep inside. Prayers would be greatly appreciated! I'm hoping for a miracle of NED. No Evidence of Disease.

That reminds me of the work that God's Word does for our spirits! It's easy to be doing the right things outwardly. Look good. Act appropriately. And yet inwardly a cancer of resentment....unforgiveness....hidden bondage....jugemental attitudes.....can be spreading quietly, taking over. Replacing the good with ungratefulness. Peace with worry (my daily struggle). Faith with fear.

In this day of many helpful books, podcasts, videos, and blogs :-), our time can be used up. The Bible can be left on the shelf. Unread. And yet, truly, it is the ONLY God-breathed book. This book is ALIVE and filled with TRUTH. This book can somehow reach deep inside, and like the brain MRI I'll be getting, take an accurate picture of what's REALLY going on inside. AND, it not only says "this is what's going on" but it provides a remedy for the issues that are exposed.

"For the Word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12

I don't want to get these CT scans and MRI's more than absolutely necessary. BUT, I need the clear inside picture of my heart daily from God's Word. It's the only way to grow and become the person God created me to be, living my moments to the fullest.  Free. Forgiven. Healed.

Car Conversation

It was a rainy, dark night and we were cautiously traversing down unknown roads on our way home from a distant wedding. It had been several days since we had left the routine and quiet of home. The weekend was filled with laughter, grandbabies, a 2 hour eye doctor appointment (addressing my newest health challenge), family - some whom I hadn't seen in several years and yes, a few tears. It was comforting to finally get on a road we recognized and it was OUR road - though still 30 miles from home.

In one of my "cancer books" I was reminded of ways to NOT comfort someone. It struck a sour chord when I read that saying "at least....." doesn't help! I confess to saying this with many good intentions all too often.  But no more. However, it has become a game of sorts for Jerry and me. When spoken to oneself, it is a good thing, a reminder of countless blessings even in seasons of lack.

We pulled into our driveway late last night with a sigh of relief. However our yard looked like an alfalfa field due to our lawn mower breaking down last week. So I commented on that which led to this conversation:

N - But at least we have a yard.
J - At least we have a house to come home to!
N - At least I was able to go to the wedding.
J - (reaching over to grab my hand) At least you are still with us!
Quiet pause. Nodding of heads.
N - (smirking) At least YOU are still with us!😘

I hope we can continue these "at least" conversations. It helps us to remember the good in the midst of the things that don't always go as hoped or planned. Lawn mowers will break down right when you need to use them. Health concerns will arise. People will let us down. Someone may even say "at least...." to you.

So here's my favorite "at least":
At least we know that GOD IS GOOD no matter what our situation. He is good when He doesn't answer our prayers in the way we hope and, yes, when He does!
HE IS GOOD.
AMEN.
CASE CLOSED.

What's next???

My two year old grandson loves to sit on my lap and watch a video where various construction vehicles roll across the screen. It's very techno and basic but it's perfect for this little kiddo....and his grams. As the cement mixer exits the left side of the screen, he says with delight, "What's next?".

I am so grateful that the physical battle seems to have eased up a bit. Fighting this cancer need not be my main focus at this time. It's still the monster in the cage BUT for now it's sleeping and very quiet. So I ask God, "What's next?" This has been on my mind lately as I look at an empty journal page or contemplate this blog..... What's next? I'm ready to go from holding on for dear life to celebrating and growing and learning. It's a fresh, new season. The robins are playing in the yard, the sunshine is softening the hard, cold soil. The grass is turning green and the trees are filled with gentle beginnings.

So I say with delight, "What's next, God?" This morning I opened my Bible to continue on with my "reading through the Bible in one year plan" (though I'm sadly behind schedule, I WILL get it done at some point!) and this is God's answer to me today:

"What does the LORD your God require from you,

But to fear the LORD your God,

To walk in all His ways and love Him,

And to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul,

And to keep the LORD's commandments and His statutes which I am commanding

You today for your good?...

So circumcise your heart, and stiffen your neck no longer.

For the LORD your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords,

The great, the mighty, and the awesome God.....

You shall fear the LORD your God;

You shall serve Him

And cling to Him,

And you shall swear by His name.

He is your praise and He is your God,

Who has done these great and awesome things for you which your eyes have seen."

Deuteronomy 10:12, 13, 16, 17, 20, 21

Fearing God, serving Him and His people, clinging to Him...declaring the great and awesome things that He is doing. That's what's next!

Why Not Us?

Our dinner club was gathered around the lovely table filled with delightful food and glistening water goblets. Our hosts were sharing with us about their son's three and a half year journey walking across the United States. He and a friend just ended this long and daunting trek by jumping into the waves of the Pacific Ocean. achurchofus.com

Proud parents were telling stories of God's faithfulness, protection and provision. They told of the young men's passion to share the love of God with everyone that they met. This was their mission. Every shop that they entered, every person that they encountered, every step of the way was to bring the Good News to whoever would listen. They told of listening to people's stories, praying for waitresses having a bad day, sharing the Gospel with many struggling strangers. Really listening to the answer when they asked "how are you?"


And so I ask myself.....isn't this MY mission as well? Since when does one have to leave everything behind and walk across America to share the faithfulness of Jesus to a stranger? To reach out with a kindness, a smile, a gentle touch?

Today I received the awesome news that I am still in remission. I don't have to go back to the doctor for THREE MONTHS and there is a potential that the Tarceva could take me to a place of healing where I won't even need to take this drug! What FANTASTIC news. News I want to share! News that fills me with hope and joy. But the good news of the Gospel of Jesus, His redemption and forgiveness, is even better news. His love story fills me with lasting hope and joy. It's news I need to share. May God give us a passion and heart of love that propels us into our world with THIS
news.

Terminal Living

Some moments are forever etched in your memory. 33 years ago we sat in our child birth class, wide-eyed watching the real life births on the television screen. When the class was over we went to the library (our version of a cheap date). I distinctly remember thinking, "there HAS to be another way to get this baby out...without pain, trauma, discomfort!" Then I was reminded of the millions and millions of women before me who had successfully given birth and lived to tell about it. Courage rose up within me along with the somewhat competitive thought, "if they can do it, SO CAN I!" Remembering the many women who gave birth without the medical help we have today in my little corner of the world helped me to be brave. And, what do you know, I went through that three times!

Well, that same thought process has been rumbling around in my brain for the past few days with regards to dying. I hope you are not too disappointed to hear that many of my thoughts - when not otherwise occupied - center around how one makes that transition from earthly life to heavenly forever life. More specifically, how I will make that transition....when.... I want to be brave. I need to have courage. But I'm wondering if there is another easier way??? Like childbirth, it just ain't so.

Did you know that more people die from lung cancer than any other cancer? Five-year survival is around 54% for early stage lung cancer that is localized to the lungs, but only around 4% in advanced, inoperable lung cancer. 4%!!!!??? Most of the time, I don't dwell on those statistics. But it is sobering, for sure! HOWEVER, did you know that being human has a 0% survivor rate? We are all walking around with a terminal condition! Why is it so easy to forget that? To live like we'll be here forever. That this life is the end all and be all of our existence? Why do I get so emotional when I think of end of life on earth? Have not millions and millions before me gone through the valley of the shadow of death? Children of God are assured a safe passage and a glorious home-going party on the other side of the door. If they can do it, SO CAN I!

It's been sung that "I hope you get the chance to live like you are dying". For 14 months I've listened to the evil chuckles and discouraging snarls from the monster in a cage in the corner of my room. Yes, thank God, I'm in remission, feeling well and doing life. But that unwelcome resident has opened my eyes to the overwhelming love of God permeating my entire room! It's opened my ears to the comforting whispers of the Holy Spirit. It's clarified gratitude for each simple joy. The Word of God has become my lifeline like never before. It's reminded me that each day is a gift filled with purpose and strength for the task. No new great revelation here but something worth being reminded of, don't you think?

Give a hat!

"There is always, always, always something to be thankful for."

Jerry and I just spent a week serving with Mennonite Disaster Service in a small town in West Virginia that suffered a major flood last year. Our team was working on rebuilding four houses damaged by the torrent of water that surged through the town.

One lunch time, our team was eating a delicious meal provided by a local church (they've done this for the volunteers each week day since the disaster and have promised to continue as long as needed!). The day was warm and we were gathered outside soaking in the brilliant sunshine. An older gentleman quietly walked down the steps to the group. Without fanfare, without announcement, without many words he began giving hats to each member of the team. He recorded our names and hometowns. He gave us a choice of orange or blue. He smiled. This man's home had been completely destroyed. His gratitude helped to rebuild hope in his heart just as his house was being rebuilt better, stronger than before. He gave back with a simple gift that unified our team and gave us a practical souvenir of this powerful, life changing week.

Gratitude heals.
It brings healing to the giver AND the receiver.
It opens our eyes to the joy set before us.
The simplest expressions of gratitude bring hope and life in a difficult and uncertain world.

"...give thanks IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Are you, like me, walking in a situation that is trying to steal your joy, your hope and peace? My challenge for us is to BE GRATEFUL. As we thank God for His many blessings and provisions for this day and for the unseen future, we open the door for our healing. Gratitude heals. As we express gratitude to those who are walking beside us in this journey, we open the door for closer relationships and deeper connections.

I am thankful for 13 months of post stage 4 diagnosis life. I am thankful for remission, for medication, for opportunities to share God's greatness in this simple life. For this opportunity to serve and laugh and love our neighbors with Jerry. Gratitude heals. I am choosing to be thankful because it's God's will for me....and for my good. 
Join me?

Confessions in a restaurant.

We sat in the restaurant, tears leaking out of our eyes, trying to hear the whispers above the loud music, clink of glasses and other conversations swirling around us. I glanced around to see if anyone was noticing but most seemed oblivious to our deeply emotional conversation. Our husbands were lost in their own world of hunting, houses and God. We had never been so real with each other but we leaned in and talked about loss and cancer and gains and God.  My friend has suffered a great earthly loss from the evil cancer. We had much to say....and the tears slowly made their way down our cheeks. We agreed:

Heaven is so much better than this life. Our "lost" loved ones are not LOST but just have gone through the doorway to the next life. They are free from dealing with taxes, permits, doctors, disappointments, and pain. We envy them. We sometimes wish to join them in that place. But realistically, it's the process that brings me to my knees. Friends, that is my greatest fear and cause for discouragement and sadness that knocks on the door of my heart once in a while.

We declare that God is good. That His Word is a Rock to stand on. That we believe His promises. That all we can do is STAND and CONFESS and BELIEVE (help my unbelief!) and LEAVE THE REST TO A SOVEREIGN GOD. She fought that cancer battle with someone close to her. She stood in faith. She confessed. She prayed and prayed. And, like many of us, she did not receive the answer she was hoping for. We agree that life is hard AND GOD IS GOOD.

I was finished with my coconut shrimp. The emotions had been gently poured out. With a sigh my friend and I shyly smiled and determined to keep walking this journey, to keep fighting for the blessings of this life, to enjoy the weddings and grandbabies and love of family and support of friends. To keep believing in our sovereign God and the knowledge of heaven...to keep holding onto HOPE even when fears seek to consume our hearts and minds....to cling to the God of hope like our very lives depend upon it. For indeed, they do.

Being the second choice....

Hagar crouched in the bushes by a spring of water in the wilderness. She had fled from her home, from Sarai and Abram, from being loved and then discarded. She had obeyed her mistress and become her replacement to conceive a child. Hagar knew that she was second choice because Sarai could not conceive. Perhaps she loved Abram and was initially glad for Sarai's idea to be with him and carry his child. But as the pregnancy progressed the voice echoed in her brain.....you are just a carrier, you are not important. You are not first choice. Hagar became bitter and Sarai became cruel.

Have you ever felt that way? Perhaps your life has been marked with disappointment and failure. Or you've allowed deception to steal God's best from your life. Have you been thrown into a seemingly random Plan B? Have you felt rejected by those who once embraced you? Used and then discarded? Lost and alone, not sure where to go? Have you run away when a safe place became marked with pain and rejection? Sometimes we are Hagar, hurting and alone, in the wilderness.

But she was not alone - and neither are we! An angel of the Lord FOUND her. He spoke words of courage and life and hope to her. The Lord didn't say that everything would be easy. He told her to return to her place of pain, to live as  the second choice. But He promised that her son would become a nation....because "the Lord has given heed to your affliction".

Hagar declared, "You are a God who sees". The well where she waited was called Beer-lahai-roi which means "seen here after the one who saw me". Friend, GOD SEES YOU. Your life need not be wasted. No matter what your circumstances or what events led to them....how unloved you may feel, betrayed, or rejected or confused. God will meet you as you rest by the spring of life - which to me could mean His powerful WORD.

What do I do when negative feelings try to cause me to just run and hide? I know the best answer is to cling to the Spring of the Water of Life. To drink deep of His words of hope and encouragement. To remember that I am NEVER alone, that my God sees me. He's not surprised by any of this. He knows and understands. He sees my failures and loves me still. He knows me perfectly and yet loves me completely. How awesome is that???

It's a dreary, windy day in Pennsylvania as I sit here in my sunroom - by my spring of water in the wilderness . I'm so thankful for the wonderful memories of this past weekend with family. I'm thankful that GOD SEES ME. Today, I want to live in that knowledge. Even though it's too wonderful for me to grasp, I'm gonna try!!! Will you join me?

Thunder Clap of Silence

Friday night I stood before our Silent Sanctuary Retreat guests at Black Rock Retreat. It was the first few minutes of our time together. Many faces looking back at me were familiar, loved, have become a part of my support, my family. Many return to Black Rock Retreat for this event each year in January as a way to start the year off on a clear path. There were unfamiliar faces as well.....looking at me with uncertainty, expectancy, a little fear. What would these 37 hours of silence bring?

I gave my welcome and opened my mouth to pray. One sentence came out. I paused. And that's when it happened. The thunder clap. Unexpectedly. Powerfully. God's Presence almost knocked me to my knees. The silence was FULL. Charged. It took my breath away. I couldn't speak nor did I want to. The silence. Was. So. Loud.

A few minutes later we said amen with a sigh and looked at each other, stunned. What...just....happened? Wow. In all of my 58 years I've never experienced such a sudden, uncontrived movement of God. He simply gave us a small glimpse into His glorious presence. It was a gift. It had nothing whatsoever to do with me, my preparation, my leadership...or lack thereof. God just decided to bless us in that way.

I wish that I could say that every time I lead a prayer or sit here in my sunroom in the silence, I feel the power and presence of God in that awesome way. I wish the silence would always be full, powerful, loud. But many times I sit here and the only voice I hear is thin, whiny, empty. It takes great effort to hear the soft whisper of the Voice of Truth.

But no matter what the silence holds, the truth still stands that God IS with us. Believing Him, trusting Him in the thin, empty silence is a gift we give Him. Filling the silence is His gift to us. Those precious and few moments when we sense His presence in an indescribable way. Silence filled with love and hope and joy.


"My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my Rock and my Salvation,
My Stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength,
My refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts before Him;
God is a refuge for us.
Selah."
Psalm 62:5-8


We'll not hear the thunder clap in the silence if our space is constantly filled with noise.

The Case of Mistaken Identity

A few weeks ago I pulled into the parking lot of the Christiana Library to restock my reading supply. I noticed one of our neighbors sitting in his red Blazer a few spaces over. It had probably been a few years since I had a chance to chat with him. He's had a difficult health journey ever since returning from the service many years ago. This past year, his daughter told my daughter, was filled with hospital stays with serious battles. And yet there he was doing his usual "Amish taxi" work....waiting while his customer spent time in the library, window rolled down, summer outfit in the middle of December, the usual cigarette in his hand. He looked like I do more times than I care to imagine....a bit rough around the edges!

I was happy to see him and went over to say hello. We chatted about our families, our year, our health (though neither of us mentioned the "C" monster, I assumed he knew). A few minutes passed and I went on my merry way into the library. I would tell my daughter about this encounter.

A week or so later, my daughter saw a Facebook post written by this neighbor's daughter.....Her dad told the story of sitting in the Christiana Library parking lot and seeing a red Mercury Milan pulling in beside him (my car). The lady driving the car came over to him and started chatting with him like they knew each other :-). He was too embarrassed to admit that he had no idea who she was. He went along with the conversation but was so curious who he was talking with!!! (How many of us have done that?!) His description of the car was perfect....but he described the woman as about 5'8" (I'm 5'2") and in her 30's.....ummmm, I'm in my upper 50's and definitely NOT looking 30 something these days. Of course, this makes me smile. Yes, his vision is a bit off. But I'LL TAKE IT!

I'll take being a short gal but having the perspective of being tall and confident. I'll take looking at a situation and envisioning the best case scenario. I'll take seeing people in a gentle light filtered through grace. I'll take a difficult diagnosis and see God's loving hand covering it all with strength and joy. I'll take this medication and receive health for today and many more tomorrow's. I take faith and reject fear. I'll take a "can do" attitude instead of "that's not possible" thinking.

I like how you see things, Bill! God sees us that way, too. In reality we are frail sinners, weak willed and selfish. But, because of Jesus' provision, our Heavenly Father sees us as clean, powerful, called. We are ambassadors of His grace. He's given EACH of us a mission field....whether home with our small children, in the law office, at the job site, in the Ann B. Barshinger Cancer Institute....wherever our feet may go. We are forgiven, cleansed, chosen, LOVED. That's how I see things and I'm stickin' to it! Oh, and feel free to remind me when I forget!!!