The Safe Place

So there's the time when you've just been knocked over by a wave at the ocean. Well, more like tossed in the washing machine for a few seconds. You've been deposited on the shore and are busy wiping the water and seaweed from your face, pushing your hair back in place and making sure the bathing suit is in the right places.....when completely out of nowhere another wave slams into you and sends you for another ungraceful tumble. Arms and legs flailing as you wonder exactly which shore you are going to end up on this time.

Yes, there's a special unpleasantness about this scenario. And even more so when it's a sickness setback. In my last post I said that I had turned a corner from that virus...but I was wrong. Whether it was the fact that I jumped back into my activities, or had a bone treatment (which can cause flu-like symptoms) or I was just given a two day reprieve, it kicked me down again. It has not been fun. Thank you to all who have reached out to me and helped in so many ways. Especially to all for praying. I'd hate to think what these two weeks would have been like without the prayer support.

And so today was a good, fever and headache free day. A day to finally spend time in the Word and journaling. These past weeks have been filled with prayers mixed in with despair and hope; worship and fears; music, lots of music. I've wimpered to God and railed at God and pleaded with God and surrendered to God. I've curled up in my Daddy's lap and rested in His embrace.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the "Safe Place" or secret place in the Shelter of the Almighty. I want my spirit to dwell there all of the time, listening to the Holy Spirit and living my life from this vantage point. We know that we ARE a spirit, we live in a body and we have a soul. Any of those three can control our life at any given moment. I have a long way to go at understanding this but I'm reading about it and seeking. Will you allow me to share some of my recent thoughts on the matter? This search has obviously come from a place where I need to keep God's perspective in focus, need to be in that place of communion with God to walk these difficult circumstances in peace that passes understanding. To be able to trust God no matter what. We need it all of the time, really, but the need is most deeply felt in these times of weakness.

When we allow our soul to control our lives we can be guided by our mind, will and emotions. All of these are good and needed but the soul should not be running the show! Our emotions are subject to change with the wind and can't be depended upon to always be based on reality. Or we can always be using our mind to try to figure things out (which is just not always possible, people!). Another way to get through life is with our wills.....putting pressure on others to do what we want. This can be done passive aggressively or straight out using words to get the job done (my preffered method). Our soul is NOT made to be the center of our lives.

Our bodies can take center stage all too easily in one way or another. We can be consumed with appearance or weight or athletic ability. Obviously this is not a good solid core to live your life from. I was probably the healthiest person I knew when I got my cancer diagnosis. All the that healthy eating and exercising hasn't given me much support in my moments of sadness.

That leaves the spirit, the inner man, the real you, the you that will live forever. That spirit that dwells inside of us with the Holy Spirit. THAT is our safe place. I'm seeking to live in that place. The place where I know that I know that I'm a beloved child of the King, so loved I can't comprehend it. It's where peace can always be found. Comfort. It's where our hiding place is, where we are surrounded with songs of deliverance. We seek refuge and hide in the shadow of His wings..."until destruction passes by". We learn that HE is our refuge and fortress and we can trust our God. In the shadow of His wings I can sing for joy no matter what is swirling around me. We cling to Him and His right hand upholds. This is no physical place, is not touched by time or circumstances or our strength. We can be in that inner circle with Jesus struggling with our deepest pain. It's an awareness that grows the longer I cultivate this inner life with God.

Lovely thought, eh? But not something obtained without time and effort. I'm striving to build up my inner man by spending time in God's presence....alone time with Him, soaking up His precious words and listening to the Holy Spirit's gentle whispers. It's from this vantage point that I can receive the unconditional love of God. And in receiving, I am able to share that with those in my life. From that vantage point I can say with TobyMac,

 "Hang in there. Everything is going to be alright. Maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually."

So I'd like to ask you to think about your inner man, your spirit. Are you developing it as much as you are your muscles or your brain or your talents? When you are faced with any difficult circumstances those things will not bring you the peace and security to face the future. But a spirit that DWELLS in the shadow of the Almighty will have a rock to stand on.....

He who dwells in the shelter of the most High, will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust!" For it is HE who delivers you from the trapper. And from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with His pinions and UNDER HIS WINGS you may seek refuge; His FAITHFULNESS is a shield and a bulwark. 

 Psalm 91 verses

I don't understand this all but I'm growing....want to join me on this search?

Imperfect Glory

You know I love the beach. Not just the sit-on-the-sand-soak-up-the-sun part! As a child I was the first one in the water and had to be given notice when the day was ending! I rode the waves with those bulky blue floats that you could rent at Rehobeth Beach and graduated to boogie boards and ended up with body surfing. What a thrill to hit the wave just right and ride it in to shore. BUT I've gotten caught on occasion by an extra big wave that broke on top of me and took me tumbling and scrambling and snorting to the shore's edge. You know the kind...where you have to make sure everything's in place before you even attempt to stand up :-)! That is not a fun feeling. Well, that's how I felt this week when I was hit with a virus. It's difficult enough to keep an even keel when you're dealing with cancer and side effects from treatment without being knocked over by a nasty wave of a virus! I know I've turned a corner today. Please, Jesus! Today is day five so ENOUGH ALREADY!

One of the side effects of Tarceva that I was warned about was a rash on my face. No problem, I said, been there, done that. But this is no normal rash. It can look like full blown acne and requires tender loving care throughout the day. Ah, that rash on my face. What an opportunity to learn where my confidence comes from. Where I THINK my value lies. As a teenager I struggled with some pimples. I thought those days were behind me. As an adult I've felt moderately attractive. This has enhanced my confidence as I do my job as moderator and program director, as worship leader. So now, I still have my smile but it's surrounded by blemishes. This has caused embarrassment and tears...concerns that my grandchildren wouldn't know me.....that people will not see the real ME behind my skin. That they will turn away from me rather than towards me. This outward shell, this fragile house we've been given for these few years is just a temporary home for our eternal spirit....but is so important at the same time!

This culture I live is in all about the outward appearance. Whether we know it or not, our value, our worth gets tangled up in how we look, especially as women. We all have areas of dissatisfaction and things we wish we could change. And we do need to be good stewards of this temple we've been given. But when I think of the stress I lived under all of my years trying to be thin...feeling overweight, when I actually WAS a healthy weight, it makes me sad. In this culture, we have to be thin, have a clear complexion, thick luxurious hair, perfect teeth, etc. to be considered worthy. How stupid. We judge by appearance. And oh my, we are so quick to compare! The Bible even says that man looks on the outward appearance but God looks at the heart. Now that my outward appearance has, um, changed, I wonder.....Can we become a little more like God and seek to know people's hearts, who they are beneath the visible exterior, the veneer? Can we be a little more like God and not judge ourselves so harshly for the outward but spend more energy developing our spirit, the REAL, eternal us?

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but the woman who fears the Lord,

she shall be praised. 

Prov. 31:30

I have a dear friend who, because of a childhood illness, walks with a limp and is a bit slurred in her speech. BUT that has not stopped her from being our church's number one volunteer and about the most friendly and caring person you will meet. She is amazing and has not allowed her physical challenges to hinder the growth of her spirit or her ministry to others. She is a blossoming woman of God always looking for ways to bless and serve. What a challenge and encouragement she is to me.

So, what is holding you back from being truly confident in the person God created you to be? Your lack of education? Your weight? Your appearance? Your financial status? Your health? The pimples on your face....the blemishes on your soul? Wounds in your heart? If we could see the Father's acceptance, feel His loving embrace, know that He has a purpose and a plan for us, right where we are....right AS we are in this journey, what joy, what freedom, what ministry that would bring! This is what our Father wants for us! May God open our hearts and minds today to receive His calling for us this moment in all of our imperfect glory as we walk this journey.  

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing in us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Cor. 4:16-18

This Sunday is Easter. I've been asked to share a meditation at Black Rock Retreat's Sunrise Service and I'm looking forward to doing so! So if you happen to be in the area Sunday morning at 6AM stop by Black Rock Retreat (bring a lawn chair). We'll be gathering by the three crosses as the sun rises over the horizon. I will share what God has put on my heart (STAYING) with confidence, knowing that His glory is made perfect in my weakness - rash and all!

Health Update

Hello dear prayer warriors and fellow travelers,
Yes, it's been a long time since my last blog.  One has been started but was sidelined by what I think is a virus on top of the cancer stuff and Tarceva side effects. Not fun. But God is good. I pray that I'm coming to the end of this. I went to the ER from work late Saturday night to make sure that what I was experiencing wasn't connected to the cancer, etc. Everything came back fine. I don't have the flu either. But this thing has knocked me flat on my back.....with a few moments of glorious reprieve.

Three things I've learned about myself these past few days.....
1) I'm not afraid to ask for help, to call the doctor on call and get the info I need.
2) I'm not afraid to get blood taken any more! I still ask for a small needle!
3) I'm not brought to tears when I say "I'm a cancer patient" to someone new.

That may sound minor to you but these are small victories to me. And I'm thankful. I think it means I'm making progress in this grieving process. My daughter has wisely reminded me that it's ok to cry, to grieve, feelings are valid!!! In the middle of this sickness and overwhelming nausea, it was easy to pray, "Just take me home, Jesus, in my sleep." That's one feeling. But the prevailing feeling when more clear mind is in control says that I can fight this. There is light at the end of this particular rabbit trail.  

I am currently off the Taraceva after 18 days. There were some difficult side effects that I was trying to navigate. But when considering that this could be a journey of a lifetime, we want it to not effect my quality of life more than it has to. I started at 150 dose which is given to everyone from my size at a squeaky 100 to a large 250 pound man. I think it makes sense that my body can't process quite so much. But I appreciate the hard hitting starter dose to get this thing moving in the right direction.....and it DID! Thank God!

So I've parked in my safe place, my sunroom, the window is opened a bit to let the spring air in.  Friends are getting new meds for me and groceries. I'm staying put for today, again. I've been so blessed by Fernando Ortega music station on Pandora.....it's been comforting me through many nights and days.  Check it out! Reminding me that this life is NOT all we have!  So if you're in a season of sickness like me.....take heart, this is not the end. God is victorious. My prayer is that He will be glorified through my life in whatever way that means. Period. Case closed.

Back to a "normal" blog next time :-).

Sunshine and Shadows

After days of clouds and rain and damp skies, the sun is kissing the meadow on this beautiful evening. It's been a busy day filled with grandchildren and I'm thankful to have these precious quiet hours here, in my sunroom, in my "soft clothes", and with thankfulness in my heart.

A few minutes ago I curled up in a chair on my deck, feet tucked under me, large brimmed hat on my head, a smile on my face. The meadow beyond our yard has trees, a creek meandering through, pasture, blue herons, peaceful cows and an occasional cat creeping by (much to Jerry's displeasure!). Tonight the sun was casting shadows across my view. The stark difference between the sunshine and shadows is a vivid picture of this life.

We've all experienced both in our lives. And I won't even attempt to understand the "why's" behind the shadows that many of us have walked through. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the SHADOW of death, I will fear no evil."  I'm thankful that we experience only a shadow of death....because Jesus has conquered death and the grave. Eternity is real. Eternal life is not a shadow...it is GLORIOUSLY FOREVER,

I saw Doctor Oyer again today.  The purpose was to see how I'm doing on the medicine, Tarceva. I've been taking it about 10 days now. The 'shadow' of this pill is the rash that makes me look like I am a teenager once again and some discomfort/itch on my scalp as well as a loss of appetite and minor digestive issues. This is a small price to pay because the 'sunshine' of the pill is that I AM GETTING BETTER!!! I am on my way to remission. THANK GOD!!!! I was feeling a lessening of the symptoms but it is beyond wonderful to receive confirmation from the doctor that I am indeed on the road to health.  Tarceva may be a daily part of my life till I leave this world. That is ok.  I'll take it and be grateful. Tarceva is limited....God is unlimited. I'm blessed to have both on my side on this sunny evening.

My journal page yesterday was called Sunshine and Shadow and featured Psalm 43. I was torn between the sadness of my heart and the thankfulness I knew I should be feeling! This passage so poignantly combines our responses to the difficulties and joys of our lives. Since this chapter is a prayer, I've felt free to change some of the wording to express my heart on the cloudy yesterday:

Vindicate me, O God, and plead my case against an ungodly nation;

 O deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man - CANCER-.

For YOU are the God of my strength....I KNOW You have NOT rejected me.

Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

 O send out Your LIGHT and Your TRUTH, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling places.

Then I will go to the altar of God, to God MY EXCEEDING JOY (the gladness of my joy)

 and upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God, my God.

Why are you in despair, O my soul and why are you disturbed within me???

HOPE IN GOD, for I shall again praise Him, 

the HELP of my COUNTENANCE and MY GOD.

Thank you for your prayers and support as we walk through our shadows and celebrate days of sunshine. Please pray that I will be able to find a balance with the side effects and that the Tarceva and the Holy Spirit will continue to bring health to my mortal body (Romans 8:10,11). Sunshine or shadows....wherever you may be walking at the moment, God wants to be the help of your countenance, your exceeding joy. May His peace enfold you and His love overtake your heart, in Jesus name. Amen.

"All About Me"

Some babies enter the world so smoothly and quietly that the true impact of this new life isn't realized until later when demands begin to be made. Others are lifted from the womb because that is the safest way for baby (or babies) to be born. Still others hold onto life as they know it as long as possible and make momma push and push to have them enter the new world! And there are a few who are in a hurry to enter this new phase of life, can't wait for the doctor and make their entrance in the car on the way to the clinic - as was my experience with child #3 :-).  But no matter HOW we enter this life, as soon as we breathe our first breath, we just KNOW that it's all about me :-). Mommy and Daddy love me....Pops and Grams love me and I love me! As parents we happily take care of every need and want that we possibly can. (Maybe twins have an advantage in learning a bit earlier that life doesn't revolve around just them....as I see my son and daughter-in-law manage to keep two babies content and fed and diapered.)

We are born selfish and will fight that self-will till the day we say goodbye to this earthly life. It's human nature.  I want MY way....I want things to go the way I like them to....I want it that way....I don't like that.....My feelings were hurt...I'm offended...you should see things my way...I'm right and you're wrong. We certainly wouldn't say all these things but actions DO speak louder than words.

When things are going smoothly in our lives, it's easy to think that we've got this selfish thing under control. I felt that way before I got married.  And then reality hit like a ton of bricks. After a few years of learning how to work as a team, once again my world was rocked when we added a child to the mix. Any parent knows the sacrificial life one must lead to be a good parent! Suddenly someone else's agenda is way more urgent than our own. Then we have to learn the teamwork thing all over again with our spouse as we do this parenting gig. I've been there, failed there...with a few successes sprinkled in.

Once again I'm facing a new life circumstance where I'm not in control....am I going to fight against this because it's not what I like?  Or can I remember and acknowledge that "it's not all about me"!!!? I don't believe that God causes the pain in our lives.  But in one sense He does allow it and He is not surprised by it. And I must say that at times I'm still so mad and sad and in disbelief that this is really happening to me! So, I've been asking myself a few questions:

Is there more going on in this trial than meets the eye?

How can I glorify God in this journey?

Is there a greater purpose for this challenge than my own personal growth?

What does God want to do in walking out this challenge?

Jesus' path took Him to a very painful place. He willingly went there for US. He walked His journey, entered the "Corral of the Broken",  knowing that there was a greater good than His own comfort. We are challenged to have this same outlook:

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Earlier in the passage we are encouraged to do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than ourselves...not looking out for our own personal interest, but also the interests of others. (Phil.2)

When I was young, I traveled for four months in two vans with a chorus of fifteen people. It was an AWESOME experience. But, needless to say, there were moments when personalities clashed and selfishness reared it's ugly head. There was a popular song that my friend adapted to fit the mood on a stressful day:

"It's a grumpy day...and I don't like the weather.

It's a grumpy day...cause I'm living it for myself!"

Thirty years later, I still remember that ditty with a smile! Such deep truth!

I don't want to get to the end of my life and be able to sing "I Did It My Way" and have a trail of broken relationships and hurt feelings and unresolved anger.  I want to live my life as Jesus did...regarding others as more important than me and looking out for the interest of others.  Yes, it's a lofty goal and I will miss the mark but it's what we are called to do with God's help.

Whatever difficulty you are facing today, remember that it's not all about you.  God is at work in your life as you trust in Him. Let's not allow our STUFF to take so much of our attention.  

GAZE on Jesus ....

GLANCE at your problems! 

Thankfulness continued......

This Monday morning found me in the dentist chair.  I've spent a lot of time in that place over the years! I remember as a child having eight cavities one time and the older dentist wasn't so nice about it either! I tried to take good care of my teeth....but would still have cavities. My brother wasn't as conscientious and he rarely had any! Through the years I've had my share of tooth issues and solved them with crowns and root canals and large fillings and most recently, implants. I've mentioned before that I've pictured Jesus standing beside me with His hand on my head when facing unpleasantness in the dentist chair. That brought so much peace to my fearful heart. I had also determined to be thankful. Sitting there on this morning reminded me of my intentional thankfulness during a previous dental procedure.....telling my dentist that I know it could be so much worse, rather than having a crown put on I could be dealing with cancer. Hmmm, well now!

Years ago I saw the saying, "There is always, always, always something to be thankful for." I've tried to live this in the ups and downs of everyday life.  So, is it still true when one is facing a difficult diagnosis or an unplanned tragedy? Yes, I believe it is. There are times when the reality, the grief still overtakes me. But I am purposing to continue to focus on what I have to be thankful for....and this is a long list, starting with my precious family and supportive friends and including a hopeful prognosis. How do we live as thankful people? For me, it means not allowing my mind to dwell on the problems. Sure, I have moments of grieving that for the rest of my earthly days, this will be something that will be a part of me. But I will get the Word of God deep in my spirit.  When the Lord speaks clearly through His Word, I will hold onto that and not let go! I will worship and exercise and laugh and journal and make the most of each moment. I will believe that I can have joy and peace TODAY. I will go to my niece's wedding and cook a family birthday dinner and do bookwork and laundry. I will be a thankful person.

I will keep adding to my "thankfulness list" each evening.  Prompted by Ann Voskamp's book, "One Thousand Gifts" about four years ago I began listing three or so blessings from the day in a little tablet.  I've filled one and now have a second. It's a fun ritual each night to look back over previous years on the same date and see what happened, what I was thanking God for and then to add to my list.  It can be as simple as Amish school children laughter coming from the nearby schoolhouse or Jerry's smile or an unexpected visit from one of my children or sunshine or spotting a red squirrel or the song of geese flying overhead. Doing a small thing like this ends my day with thankfulness and fights the feelings of helplessness that can come when the activity stops and I'm alone with my thoughts and the "what if's" come knocking at the door. You know what I'm talking about!

If you are like me, your brain goes into high gear from the moment your eyes open in the morning till you crawl back between the covers at night. How about if you and I made a determination to begin and end each day with intentional thankfulness....expressing to God a grateful heart for the blessings of the day, which are many. I believe, I truly believe that this habit will affect the minutes in between these intentional pauses. We serve a powerful and faithful and compassionate God....He is worthy of our sacrificial offerings of thankfulness.

In looking through Psalms this morning for the perfect expression of my heart, I decided to just create my own "Psalm 150" of praise:

Praise the Lord!

Praise God in your church sanctuary,

Praise Him in your home.

Praise Him for His mighty deeds;

Praise Him for His excellent greatness, His loving kindness and healing touch.

Praise Him with a grateful heart,

Praise Him with worship tunes,

Praise Him with a heart of thankfulness.

Praise Him with dancing and shouting as you declare "I am Yours, Lord."!

Praise Him as you go about your day.

He has given you this season, this breath to praise and worship and honor Him.

Use it!

Praise the Lord.

AMEN.

THANKFUL.

The inconspicuous brown box was plopped unceremoniously on my front porch yesterday. I may or may not have looked out the door about 5 times that morning. Inside this plain box are the pills, Tarceva, that will kill the cancer cells in my body. That's all. This little bottle of 30 pills cost my insurance company thousands of dollars but my copay is $25. Whew. A small price to pay for healing.

But as I opened this box and read ALL of the warnings, fear began to nibble at my soul. Do you listen, really listen, to the drug advertisements on television? I'm referring to the end where they talk really fast and mention all of the potential hazards of taking said miracle drug. I've always been anti-drug, if possible.  But today I am grateful for scientists doing research and developing so many ways to help us fight disease.  It is scary to put this powerful pill in my mouth. But Jerry and I prayed over it and we believe that it will do what it was created to do.....kill the specific type of cancer cells that are attacking my body.  It's not chemo so the side effects are different and probably not as severe. But, if you see me this summer and I'm not tanned, or I have a few pimples on my face, or my hands are very dry.....you will know that I count it all loss for the sake of winning this battle.  It's amazing how priorities change in an instant. When the doctor was telling me of these possibilities, I shook my head....no problem.  Whatever. I don't care. A clear complexion, sun-tanned smile....nice but not needed. I choose health and life.

And so, I popped that little thing in my mouth with a prayer and faith that God will use it to bring about my healing.  It's all His after all. I am praying that the side effects will be minimum and easily manageable.  And I'm thankful. My opinion of medicine has changed.....

Another facet of my life that has changed is my love relationship with food! This foodie who couldn't wait for my next meal, my next snack, my next Blizzard has changed into a deliberate eater. My mantra is now "Food is Medicine". And that's ok.  But for those of you who are discouraged by your great enjoyment of food, I would say....ENJOY (responsibly)!!!!! Having an appetite is a wonderful thing...savoring the many tastes of food is a gift.  Yet another blessing of life that we can easily take for granted, eh?

It's been an honor to hear from many of you who are fighting your own battles....some visible, some not so much....but ALL very real, very difficult. There is power in sharing our stories and our struggles and our victories and faith.  This is fellowship. This is real life. Life can be hard, but GOD IS GOOD. Thank you for walking with us and praying for us.  We continue to pray that God will bless each one of you and show Himself strong on your behalf.  Whether we've never met or have known each other for years, I love you. And I so much appreciate you hanging with me on this simple blog.

My verses of encouragement for today are Colossians 3:12-17 (NASB):
So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. LET the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and BE THANKFUL.

I'm thankful for Tarceva, sunshine, bluebirds at my feeder, smiles of my grandbabies, the ability to choose love, YOU.

Corral of the Broken

Our young Amish next door neighbors had just moved in.  Their horse was not settled and somehow got out of his stall when his owners weren't home.  Glancing out my window, I saw a frantic horse running through my yard and went out to see if there was any way that I could catch him. I knew it was impossible when he looked at me with a wide-eyed, terrified look in his eyes....and continued running. The horse eventually made it safely back to his new home (with the help of other Amish neighbors) but I will never forget that wild and confused and fearful look in his eyes... like he was pleading with me and asking me where he was and how he got there! I know that feeling well.

I've been wanting the right words and analogy to somehow communicate how I felt in the days after the diagnosis....perhaps others feel the same when their world as they've known it comes to an end and a major shift occurs. Earlier this week I was taking a walk with the twins and the wind was whipping through the fields, pushing us along the beautiful country road.  I was reminded of  the time I spent in Chincoteague Island many years ago during the annual Pony Swim and auction.

I think we all are like an untamed pony running wild and free, feeling the ocean spray as we run through our lives and enjoying the breeze and sunshine. Every now and then, we come upon "the corral of the broken". Inside that corral we see other ponies...ponies looking out through the fence with eyes of sadness, resignation, fear, confusion, questions, determination and faith. I've seen them. I've prayed for them, served them, loved them, grieved with them.  But, I've not BEEN them.  Until now. I've been taken from the run of life and put in the corral of the broken. I'm still me....but I'm looking at life through eyes clouded at times with those overpowering emotions. No matter what direction my life takes, I am now an official member of this corral. And I feel a kinship with the others beside me. It's a place no one wants to be....but where life circumstances take many of us. Brokenness can be a powerful thing in the hands of a mighty, loving God. I am inspired by my friends who are fighting their battles with God's help and are serving and loving, in spite of limitations. My friend, Leah, is slowly gaining strength back and is thanking God for the mercies of each new day. Merv has suffered so many changes in his life due to a major health challenge. He has blessed me so much by adding me to his prayer list and doing battle with me! We are surrounded by wounded each day. I guess I want to challenge us to see our broken brothers and sisters from God's perspective, as His children, as people of value and worth. Don't be afraid of us. Speak words of hope and grace. Give a hug, a smile. Reach in through the fence and let us know that we're not alone. And to those of us in that corral.....let us not forget that ALL are broken in one way or another. To be human is to be flawed and needy. Some of us can cover that neediness with wealth or beauty or "importance". Our God "heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds". Jesus came into our world to "proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free." What a blessing to have a Father who not only reaches in through the fence to touch our brokenness, but has burst through the gate and proclaimed freedom to ALL! In the realm of the spirit, we CAN be free to honor God, serve Him, love for Him, praise and worship Him. This is my desire....and yet....today I didn't follow these challenging words and went the other direction when I saw a broken woman a few aisles away in the store. My own hurt was clouding my eyes too much at that moment. God help me, I have so much to learn!

Today was a bit of a challenge with pain as a constant reminder of my new location in this corral. My eyes may have had a passing moment of "Where am I and how did I get here?" panic in them. There were tears of grieving over my former life outside of this corral. But I received the long awaited news that my medicine, Tarceva, is being delivered TOMORROW.  Thank God!!! Not a moment too soon. I am so ready to begin this new step! I have so much to be thankful for. And that's what I'll think of tonight when I close my eyes to sleep.



Thank you, Father, for loving each of your broken children. For putting your arms around us in our moments of pain and joy and grief and triumph. May our lives reflect this love and compassion to all we meet. Thank You for providing a way for us to thrive as we grow closer to You....no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in. You are a good, good Father and I'm loved by You. This is enough for now. Amen.