Party Time!

I had it all planned out.....this next post was going to be about the posture of a raised fist. But that will have to wait.....

Today is my 8 month survivor celebration. I have been feeling better once again now that I'm on a higher dose. But we always yearn for confirmation, don't we? I don't trust my judgement about my breath. At my last doctor visit, Dr. Oyer noticed that the fluid level had increased a tiny bit from before which is why we increased the dose. Since then, the side effects have increased slightly, the feeling of pressure has decreased and my hope for more days on Tarceva has grown. Today I had a chest xray in preparation for my doctor visit on Thursday.

In these 8 months, I've received one phone call from my doctor. This was in the early part of my journey. He called to tell me that they thought I had the type of tumor that could be managed. He said the words, "we can make you well". They have done that. What a surprise to answer the phone this afternoon and hear his warm voice with the wonderful news that, indeed, my lungs look good and I remain in REMISSION. What GREAT words!

Energized, I lugged the trash to burn down to the corner of our yard that overlooks a patch of woods. As the smoke rose to the sky I raised my hands towards heaven, palms wide open, much like the winners of a race in the Olympics. I clapped my hands and the trees of the field echoed my praise. I danced and jumped and shouted and clapped and clapped some more.

This is not the end of my journey. But this is today. And I will rejoice and be glad in it. Today is a day for celebration. For thanking God for all of the wonderful moments I've experienced these past 8 months. For the fact that Tarceva is available, that I had the type of cancer that this manages. For thanking each one of you who read my wondering thoughts on this blog, who say a pray to our Father on my behalf, who have loved and supported our family in so many ways. You know who you are. THANK YOU!!! I am in this party mode because of your efforts and the awesome grace of God.


My newest theme verse is from Philippians 1:18b-20:
"...and I will rejoice,
for I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers
and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ,
according to my earnest expectation and hope,
that I will not be put to shame in anything,
but that with all boldness,
Christ will even now,
as always,
be exalted in my body,
whether by life or by death."

This is my prayer....no matter what happens. I want Jesus to be glorified through my life on this earth. I have failed more times than I care to remember....but HE never fails. I've tripped and fallen short many times but HE never has given up on me. He will never leave us or forsake us. And I take great comfort in knowing that He will give me the strength to glorify Him and not be put to shame as I walk this journey. To God be the glory, great things He has done!

The needed adjustment

Good morning, unseen friends! It's a glorious late summer morning and I'm once again ensconced in my sunroom looking out over the meadow and listening to worship music and the song of birds. How I wish that the peace I feel at this moment would always surround my heart and mind. But, in all honesty, I'm in constant need of adjustments.....

I was approaching my last doctor visit when the pressure in my core began to be a bit more noticeable once again. So I wasn't surprised when Dr. Oyer told me that a bit of the fluid had returned to my lungs. This is an indication that my medication isn't as effective as before. It's a fact, Tarceva can work for a few months or a number of years. Of course, I'm praying for the latter!!! We decided to increase my dosage to a happy medium between where I was and where we started. And so that has begun. I'm tolerating it fairly well. It was a needed adjustment.

When I awaken and feel a familiar twinge in my shoulders and neck for several mornings in a row, I know a chiropractic adjustment is needed. Last week this was taken care of and once again I am free from that restriction. A needed adjustment.

The most challenging adjustment, of course, is with my attitude! All too easily I slip back into self pity and sadness over the life that I had before the diagnosis. Yes, on the outside I'm active and back to "normal". But the process of getting my attitudes and heart and mind where they need to be is an ongoing task. I'm sure the same is true with all of us. We don't need to be facing a life threatening illness to struggle with attitudes of pride, selfishness, judgments, fear and offense. These can't be fixed with a simple pill or once and done treatment. 

As I walk this journey, these simple things have helped me:
~GOD'S WORD....don't wait till you're hanging on the end of your rope to fill your life and heart with these precious words of life!
~MUSIC....old hymns, new tunes reminding me of who God is, who I am, where I'm heading, what is really important.
~FAMILY and FRIENDS....knowing that we are being covered in loving prayers means the world to Jerry and me; games and laughing with family; kind co-workers; cheerful emails; cards; everyday moments of making applesauce and watching babies.
~CHOOSING TO REJOICE....There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

"...giving thanks at ALL times for ALL things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God,even the Father...."  Eph. 5:20

This is possible because I KNOW......
"God causes ALL THINGS to work together for GOOD to those who love God...." Rom. 8:28

All times, all things. This requires much needed and ongoing adjustments.....

So do Your work, O God,
in our lives and hearts and minds
so that Your kingdom may come
and Your will be done in our lives
as it is in heaven. 
Yes, and amen.

An Expiration Date

The weeks since I've last written have been filled with a lot of living....trip to the beach with the ladies of my family, Black Rock Retreat Family Camp which included an anointing service for a guest and me, walking (and talking) a 5k with a dear friend, answer to prayer job transitioning, many smiles with my grandbabies (and a few tears). My doctor told me to "go, live your life". This is what I'm doing.

But, still, underneath it all remains the unknown....wondering how long the Tarceva will be effective. Believing that God is at work in my body above and beyond what any medical intervention can do. But wondering, always wondering. And thinking about the fact that my life may be shorter than I may wish.

Recently, the words from Psalm 139 have been speaking life and hope and comfort to me. 

"You have enclosed me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully 

and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,

And my soul knows it very well.

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance

AND IN YOUR BOOK WERE ALL WRITTEN
THE DAYS THAT WERE ORDAINED FOR ME

When as yet there was not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!...

When I awake I am still with You.

O that You would slay the wicked, O God! (cancer)

Search me, O God, and know my heart.

Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

And see if there be any hurtful way in me,

And lead me in the everlasting way."

A friend just reminded me that we're all born as clay pots with an expiration date.

So I'm praying that I will fulfill ALL of my ordained days and not a moment less...make it to my expiration date. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. He is the one who wants to shorten our lives, kill our joy and destroy our hope. I am fighting the good fight of faith, standing against the attacks of fear, discouragement and sadness. Some moments I'm more successful than others, for sure and for certain!

None of us know our expiration date. But we know that it's not the years in our life but the life in our years that matter. Each day lived for God, to honor and serve Him and love and serve others. This is a life well lived. So, I'm trying to focus on this, each day....and not dwell on the expiration date up ahead. 

Friend, are you living each moment to the fullest or borrowing trouble from the unknown future? Are you remembering that this life is so short and that we have an expiration date for these bodies? Are we considering that the next life has NO expiration date, with each day being filled with joy and blessings deeper and richer. THIS is the life that I'm looking forward to most of all.

A Vulnerable Place

Last Sunday Jerry and I were asked to be a part of a panel discussion to share how God's word has helped us through these seven months. So we sat on stage at Gap Community Church with Pastor Cody and another couple (another Nancy and husband Bruce!) to talk about our "tough times". The other Nancy and her husband lost their entire home to fire last fall. Talk about a sudden life change! When Bruce was sharing he used the word "vulnerable" and something inside me just broke. It immediately struck a place deep in me and the tears began to fall. Why did this concept cause a strong reaction with me?

Vulnerability. No one wants to feel vulnerable. We surround ourselves with the best defenses.....steady jobs, beautiful, large houses, education, savings accounts, food in the freezer, solid friendships. These things can seemingly protect us from the difficulties of life. But can they? All it takes is a moment....an accident, a diagnosis, a phone call, to show us just how vulnerable we human beings really are! You can exercise and eat right and still this is not a shield against cancer. You can be a good driver but that doesn't mean you will not have an accident. The truth is that we are frail humans. We are so dependent on the mercies and protection and grace of God! We need Him more than we realize as we happily walk through the days of sunshine. It's when the dark night of the soul steals our breath away that we become aware of our desperate need for our Saviour. And, thankfully, it's there where He speaks loud and clear to our hearts through His precious word.
click here to watch July 24 service

Are you in a place of vulnerability? A new job? A new baby? A new relationship? A new church? A new season? This is the perfect opportunity to lean hard into God, our loving Father. He will NEVER FAIL. HE gives wisdom and courage. HE is the source of our joy and strength. Yes, I'm at a vulnerable place right now as well. But that's a good thing. It's helping me to go deeper in my dependence on Jesus. And that the best place to be!

God only is my Rock and my Salvation, My Stronghold;

I shall not be shaken,

On God my salvation and my glory rests;

The rock of my strength,

my refuge is in God.

Trust in HIM at all times, O people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us.    Selah.

Psalm 62:6-8

Trusting and Fruit

Yesterday was great! It was filled with powerful worship, an encouraging message, hours relaxing in my small pool, and dinner with our church's worship team. I felt God's presence as I helped on the worship team that morning. We declared "God is Able....He will never fail." As I was ministering through music and word, however, I heard a whisper in my head telling me that I was going to "pay for this tomorrow".

It does happen so often, doesn't it? After the mountain top, a valley. After a victory, a defeat. And I felt the heaviness in my spirit even as I crawled out of bed and hit the floor. "Oh God, oh God, please use me today. Thank you for this day! I worship You, I trust You."  I had time for meaningful devotionals, did a journal page focusing on the word, "trust". There are so many promises in the Word that I'm standing on but still the heaviness persisted. Financial concerns are weighing me down as well as the health uncertainty that's often lurking around the edges of my thoughts. The heat felt oppressive as I did my Monday tasks of bookwork and laundry. I remembered the quote...."when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on". I thought of this expression of my grandson's face when we ask him to show us his muscles. So I made a face and shook my fist at the enemy of my soul. "I'm hangin' on! All WILL be well."

And just like that, the storm clouds rolled in softening the oppressive heat. Jerry and I were still getting the clothes off of the wash line when the large raindrops began to fall. The humidity eased and my spirit was lighter. What a difference the rain makes! It cleanses the debris from the air, makes breathing easier and renews hope. The rain/reign of the Holy Spirit makes a way where there seems to be no way for us to trust Him in these days of uncertainty and unrest in our world and hearts.

The Scripture passage that I'm carrying with me everywhere these days is this:

Blessed is the woman who trusts in the LORD and whose trust IS the LORD.

For she will be like a tree planted by the water,

That extends its roots by the stream

And will NOT fear when the heat comes;

But its leaves will be green,

And it will NOT be anxious in a year of drought

Nor cease to YIELD FRUIT.    Jeremiah 17:7,8

Are you in a season of heat? A year of drought? When we put our trust in the Lord, when He IS our trust, we can still yield fruit!!! This is a wonderful promise to cling to. I want my life to count. Whether I have 1 day or 10,000 days left on this earth. I want each one of them to be filled with purpose. And that can happen as I trust God with the tough stuff, in the middle of the heat of summer and a year of drought.

Recently I was a part of an informal reunion of 8 women who were in the Strasburg Mennonite Youth Group together, um, about 40 years ago.  As we went around the circle sharing the stories of our families and triumphs and losses, we were aware that no one is exempt from the heat and drought. It's how we choose to live in those trials that makes all of the difference. These precious women from my past are reflecting God's faithfulness and goodness as their lives continue to yield fruit even in the midst of some very difficult circumstances. Always remember, friend, GOD IS GOOD. GOD IS FAITHFUL. GOD IS TRUSTWORTHY. Can I get an amen?

A Simple Reminder

It was an ordinary trip to the grocery store to get supplies to make homemade ice cream for a gathering on this July 4th holiday. It was a peaceful morning with time receiving from God's Word. And yet, as I drove, the loneliness of this journey pressed upon me. It's not that I don't have wonderful family and friends surrounding me. I am SO thankful for each one! But at the end of the day, each of us must walk the path before us alone.

Wiping the tears away, I pulled into my parking space. I whispered a simple prayer, "Lord, I would really appreciate some lovin' today in the grocery store!" So many times, He's used friends and acquaintances in the frozen food aisle or produce section to bring a smile and remind me that I'm loved. Well, the quick trip held nothing special. As I was in the check out lane, I was able to bless someone by letting them go ahead of me. With a grateful smile I was thinking how blessing someone was just as good as receiving a blessing. But a second later I felt a tap on my shoulder and was engulfed in a warm hug from a friend who works there. She was God's messenger today. And all it took was a few seconds, a hug and a smile. She could have easily passed me by. But she did not, and it made my day.

Never underestimate the power of a quick hug at the grocery store or a firm handshake at the hardware store or a smile from one vehicle to another. Share God's love at the dentist's office, the Y, your job, the hospital, at home....wherever your journey takes you today. Make that phone call; send that text; post an encouraging word on Facebook. Be a blessing. Be His hands and feet and arms and smiles. Serve God today by serving others. This is nothing new, friends, just a friendly reminder. Let's look outside ourselves and give love. Give affirmation. Give encouragement! Let's be generous with our kind words and smiles. And the blessing we give will be returned to us. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be the answer to someone's prayer.

ENDURANCE (dancing in the journey)

ENDURANCE. My "Walk and Talk" buddy, Bev, reminded me of this needed quality last week. Since then this word has been rolling around in my brain....it awakened me this early morning. So, as the birds are singing their morning praises outside my window, I have given up the idea of sleep till my thoughts are somehow written on this digital page :-).

Bev was an important part of my journey a few years ago when I went from little physical activity to an active physical level. The process was so rewarding but took endurance. If you've been married for longer than a week, you know that a good marriage takes endurance. Parents of a baby who does not sleep need endurance as they wonder if they will ever sleep through the night again! A successful career, advanced education, any long-term relationship, any goal worth pursuing requires ENDURANCE. Walking this journey with an unwelcome diagnosis or painful situation requires endurance. Jesus is our ultimate example. He endured the cross because of the joy set before Him...the joy of our redemption!

In my last appointment with Dr. Oyer, he told me that I will be able to run again! What a lovely thought...a goal....that will take endurance. Once again going through the process to become strong. So I'm taking small steps towards that goal hoping to run a 5K again. And in fact, I just registered for one in the middle of writing this blog. If you are in Lancaster County, consider joining me for "Camden's Run" on August 20 at Franklin and Marshall College. (benefiting SIDS research, details on Facebook) So now I've put my money where my goal is!

Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us RUN with ENDURANCE the race that is set before us....

(RUN, NANCY, RUN)

....fixing our eyes on JESUS, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

  Hebrews 12:1,2

As the word endurance has been bouncing around in my brain, this "interpretation" has come to the surface:
U R dANCing to the END.
Get it?  Perhaps it's a stretch, but it works for me. I love the word picture. This is my life goal....to dance through each day, honoring God, serving Him and serving those He brings into my life. Walking the journey with my eyes on the joy set before me. And knowing that the END of this life is not really the end at all but the BEGINNING of all beginnings. Finally seeing Jesus face to face and being completely free from the bondages of sin, the shackles of fear and the weight of selfishness. That will be glorious. But in the meantime, I am dancing....running....thanking God for this good day!
Will you dance with me?
May we run together?