Scars: optional

Wounds are not optional; they happen. If you are alive on planet earth, you will be wounded! BUT scars are optional.

Last winter I experienced a wound on my foot that didn't want to heal. No one saw it but, oh I felt it! Left alone it could have led to a major infection. It could have become smelly, even uglier and messier. But I did treat it. I made time to do what needed to be done to promote healing. The process was not fun. I limped around in the process. Eventually complete healing was achieved - but a scar remains.

Many years ago two of my aunts and I talked about the process of growing older. We talked about the fact that as people age, we lose our filters. We'd all seen undealt with injuries squirting out at the most inopportune times! Wounds left to themselves become ugly and demanding. They cause us to remember hurts from 36 years ago with pain. They pop up in our words of judgment and criticism oozing with anger and frustration. They sever relationships, hinder friendships, weaken our testimony, destroy marriages. Old, unhealed wounds are nasty and smelly and messy. 

We asked God to help us to grow old gracefully and wisely; choosing to deal with our wounds as they occur. We made this promise to each other and plea to God when life was peaceful and plans were going according to our schedules. The past three years have brought two cancers and a major disability into our worlds but our heart's cry is still the same. We are still determined to bring the daily wounds to our heavenly Father for healing. We choose to forgive. We choose to love. We choose to praise and rejoice in the midst of our suffering. We choose intentional thankfulness; choosing gratitude over entitlement. To live God's Word. As the years go by and we approach the years of weakening filters, may we continue to surrender to the work of God in our lives; bringing healing to the wounds of life. By HIS wounds we ARE HEALED. Dear friends, let's do what it takes to walk in His healing and wear our scars to the glory of God.

Letting Go

It was a little over a year ago when my "replacement" (with added responsibilities) joined the Black Rock Retreat team once again. Jamie and I had worked in the same building the first two years of this current part of my Black Rock Retreat career. Though our paths rarely crossed in that short time, from the moment I knew that he was considering applying for this new position, I was hopeful that it would be him. On his first day as my replacement and new supervisor he came into my office, pulled up a chair, leaned forward and looked into my eyes. "How are you?", he asked with a deep compassion that brought tears to my eyes. I knew all would be well.

Jamie's first week last year was during our sixth Family Camp. It was my honor to be the leader of our Family Camp team from day one till the last day of Family Camp #6. At that point, Jamie took the lead. Last week we hosted Family Camp #7. This time I was an assistant. I went from being the leader of the most awesome group of talented men to a small voice with limited responsibilities. Letting go.

Letting go can be difficult. But my parents have led the way and shown us how to walk this journey. When the time was right, they let go of their much loved careers and embraced new part-time careers. But eventually the process of growing older led them to letting go of these to move to a retirement community. This huge step involved letting go of their home, their accumulated possessions, their town, their way of life. My dad also let go of driving because of impaired vision. This could not have been easy for this man who hauled giant steel girders up and down the east coast for much of his career! He also released his grip on hunting, a lifelong hobby. On top of that, a few months later we had to say goodbye to my brother who left this life unexpectedly. And then, after a few years of being settled into a much loved cottage, they had to move because their cottage was to be torn down due to an expansion project. Yet another unexpected change and another opportunity to let go and trust God for the next step.

Through it all, they rarely complained, rarely had a pity party, rarely grumbled. They showed us by example how to walk this always changing pathway of letting go with grace and peace....trusting God.

Letting go takes trust. Trusting God that the next step will be good, that He will fill the void. Holding on can lead to hardship; letting go can lead to lasting peace.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die;

A time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to break down and a time to build up;

A time to weep and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get and a time to lose;

A time to keep and a time to cast away;

A time to rend and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence and a time to speak;

A time to love and a time to hate;

A time of war and a time of peace....

HE has made everything beautiful in His time."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11a

A different kind of shouting....or results: take 2

Hearing the word "progression" is NOT what any cancer survivor wants. And yet, for many of us, this is our journey. I really really had hoped to be on my current medication for years and years. That was not to be. Though I am feeling fine, recent scans show progression in various areas.

In the days following my doctor appointment I had time alone to process this shattering news. I confess to shouting to my dear heavenly Father......"so many others are on this drug for years, WHY NOT ME?????!!!!" Why not, indeed. I looked at the glass in my hand and could easily have thrown it at the wall with all my strength. Thankfully, practicality won that battle. Who would have cleaned up the mess? Uh, that would be me! As I wrote down that question, God clearly spoke to me (not audibly) the words spoken by Jesus many years ago, "What is that to you? You follow me." Yes, Lord, I hear you.

Yesterday, a different kind of shouting was heard in my kitchen. I received a phone call from my nurse navigator, Amy Jo, with the news that my test results showed the hoped for result: the cancer cells had developed a resistance to my current medication. The wonderful news is that there is another drug that will do the work of my previous one AND find it's way around the resistance. I completely expect to be in remission once again. The unknown.....AGAIN....is how long this drug will work. Ah, the glorious unknown. But each day of remission is a day closer to healing. Each day is a gift.

Dear friends, your prayers and words of encouragement and hope have been a gift to us. I'm so thankful. For you. For the gift of time. Days to make memories, to share love, to enjoy the zinnias, to embtace my job, to float in the pool and jump the waves in the ocean. To worship and pray. To forgive and give hugs. To walk and talk or just sit and cry. To kiss grandbabies.

How are you filling your days? Make them good ones because there is one huge UNKNOWN for all of us. We don't know when our earthly days will end and eternity begins. For now, we are here. Let's make the most of these opportunities to be God's hands and feet, His ambassadors in this world. So today I'm gonna swim with my grandbabies and help plan Family Camp and pick worship songs for next Sunday. How about you?

And the results are in......or going to Plan C

I sat in my sunroom, waiting for the phone to ring, letting me know what those awesome machines have found. Finally I received the call from my nurse navigator, Amy. She opened my results as we chatted. Moments passed as the computer froze up and she had to reboot. In desperation she went to another computer and tried another pathway into my results. Meanwhile my heart was pounding, I could hardly breath. I leaned my head back and said a prayer.

Finally the computer cooperated and we were in business. The news was a little good and a little bad, unfortunately. On the wonderful note, I DID receive my NED from my brain MRI! This is the best news of the year. The four spots previously seen have been resolved. I breath a huge sigh of relief knowing that at this time, my brain is free from cancer. Thank You God!!!!! This makes me smile.

However, some nodules in my lungs have grown and smaller ones have formed - all this since November. An area of bone has gotten better but another area has gotten worse. There are a smattering of other suspicious spots in that general area. Clearly, the Tarceva is losing it's effectiveness. SIGH.

I really really hoped to be on Tarceva for many years....and even get to the place of not needing it at all.....as we talked about in my last doctor appointment. But this is not to be my story. Thursday I will meet with Dr. Oyer to talk about the next treatment plan. First line of treatment got me 17 months of good health. Who knows what the next will do? Possibly many more.

I have not lost hope. There are a number of newer drugs that I can take as well as immunotherapy and finally chemo. AND, Tarceva was not my healer. Drugs and immunotherapy and chemo are not my healer. GOD is my Healer. I'm looking to Him for guidance. His Presence is life to my bones and healing to all my flesh.

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Oh sure, the tears are once again close to the surface. But I will continue to love, do life, pull weeds, float in my pool, make coffee, babysit my grands, laugh.

Thank you to those who have prayed for us this past year and a half! Please continue to speak to God on our behalf :-). I don't know how I would have made it without your support. We are asking God for complete wholeness, that the cancer is rebuked in Jesus name, for wisdom for Dr. Oyer and us, for financial provision. For PEACE in the journey. For a heart that looks outward from my pain and says, "God, how can I be Your ambassador today?" After all, isn't that what life is all about?

Looking Inside.....on getting an MRI

Taking a look inside.....that's what will be happening for me this Friday morning. I've not had a complete chest and abdomen scan or brain MRI since near the beginning of this journey. After 18 months of outwardly seeing great results and miraculous health, it's time to take a peak inside so see what is really going on. I've not been in a hurry to get scans. But it's time. Cancer survivors call the emotions leading up to this "scanxiety". It's the unknown AGAIN. Waiting and wondering. Being hopeful and yet uncertain. The pictures will show. AT LEAST we have the capability to see inside today, right?


Outwardly, everything appears to be good, normal. But that was the case before my diagnosis and yet the cancer was quietly spreading throughout my body! I was eating healthy foods and exercising and still it was moving from my lung to lymph nodes, bone and brain! The only way to get an accurate assessment is to look deep inside. Prayers would be greatly appreciated! I'm hoping for a miracle of NED. No Evidence of Disease.

That reminds me of the work that God's Word does for our spirits! It's easy to be doing the right things outwardly. Look good. Act appropriately. And yet inwardly a cancer of resentment....unforgiveness....hidden bondage....jugemental attitudes.....can be spreading quietly, taking over. Replacing the good with ungratefulness. Peace with worry (my daily struggle). Faith with fear.

In this day of many helpful books, podcasts, videos, and blogs :-), our time can be used up. The Bible can be left on the shelf. Unread. And yet, truly, it is the ONLY God-breathed book. This book is ALIVE and filled with TRUTH. This book can somehow reach deep inside, and like the brain MRI I'll be getting, take an accurate picture of what's REALLY going on inside. AND, it not only says "this is what's going on" but it provides a remedy for the issues that are exposed.

"For the Word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12

I don't want to get these CT scans and MRI's more than absolutely necessary. BUT, I need the clear inside picture of my heart daily from God's Word. It's the only way to grow and become the person God created me to be, living my moments to the fullest.  Free. Forgiven. Healed.

Car Conversation

It was a rainy, dark night and we were cautiously traversing down unknown roads on our way home from a distant wedding. It had been several days since we had left the routine and quiet of home. The weekend was filled with laughter, grandbabies, a 2 hour eye doctor appointment (addressing my newest health challenge), family - some whom I hadn't seen in several years and yes, a few tears. It was comforting to finally get on a road we recognized and it was OUR road - though still 30 miles from home.

In one of my "cancer books" I was reminded of ways to NOT comfort someone. It struck a sour chord when I read that saying "at least....." doesn't help! I confess to saying this with many good intentions all too often.  But no more. However, it has become a game of sorts for Jerry and me. When spoken to oneself, it is a good thing, a reminder of countless blessings even in seasons of lack.

We pulled into our driveway late last night with a sigh of relief. However our yard looked like an alfalfa field due to our lawn mower breaking down last week. So I commented on that which led to this conversation:

N - But at least we have a yard.
J - At least we have a house to come home to!
N - At least I was able to go to the wedding.
J - (reaching over to grab my hand) At least you are still with us!
Quiet pause. Nodding of heads.
N - (smirking) At least YOU are still with us!😘

I hope we can continue these "at least" conversations. It helps us to remember the good in the midst of the things that don't always go as hoped or planned. Lawn mowers will break down right when you need to use them. Health concerns will arise. People will let us down. Someone may even say "at least...." to you.

So here's my favorite "at least":
At least we know that GOD IS GOOD no matter what our situation. He is good when He doesn't answer our prayers in the way we hope and, yes, when He does!
HE IS GOOD.
AMEN.
CASE CLOSED.

What's next???

My two year old grandson loves to sit on my lap and watch a video where various construction vehicles roll across the screen. It's very techno and basic but it's perfect for this little kiddo....and his grams. As the cement mixer exits the left side of the screen, he says with delight, "What's next?".

I am so grateful that the physical battle seems to have eased up a bit. Fighting this cancer need not be my main focus at this time. It's still the monster in the cage BUT for now it's sleeping and very quiet. So I ask God, "What's next?" This has been on my mind lately as I look at an empty journal page or contemplate this blog..... What's next? I'm ready to go from holding on for dear life to celebrating and growing and learning. It's a fresh, new season. The robins are playing in the yard, the sunshine is softening the hard, cold soil. The grass is turning green and the trees are filled with gentle beginnings.

So I say with delight, "What's next, God?" This morning I opened my Bible to continue on with my "reading through the Bible in one year plan" (though I'm sadly behind schedule, I WILL get it done at some point!) and this is God's answer to me today:

"What does the LORD your God require from you,

But to fear the LORD your God,

To walk in all His ways and love Him,

And to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul,

And to keep the LORD's commandments and His statutes which I am commanding

You today for your good?...

So circumcise your heart, and stiffen your neck no longer.

For the LORD your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords,

The great, the mighty, and the awesome God.....

You shall fear the LORD your God;

You shall serve Him

And cling to Him,

And you shall swear by His name.

He is your praise and He is your God,

Who has done these great and awesome things for you which your eyes have seen."

Deuteronomy 10:12, 13, 16, 17, 20, 21

Fearing God, serving Him and His people, clinging to Him...declaring the great and awesome things that He is doing. That's what's next!