The New Hallway

At the top of the stairs, I always turn right.
Right takes me to the cafe.
Right takes me to the Image Recovery Center.
Right takes me to Infusion.
For nearly four years, I've been coming to this cancer center. These places have become familiar to me. I'm comfortable there, I know the drill.

But this day, I needed to turn left.
Left takes me to the Radiation Department.
Left is completely unfamiliar and unwanted.
But, left is where I walked.
Down the New Hallway.

After the report that the initial tumor in my lung has grown slightly, this is where I need to be. We will radiate the small spot and blast those cancer cells to death. I'm thankful that this procedure doesn't require needles and should have very little side effects. I'm so thankful that the medicine I've been taking for 2 years is still working everywhere else! I'm thankful for this option of treatment.

But that doesn't make the New Hallway a place I'm eager to be. BUT GOD. I'm so glad that He knows we are weak. He knows and understands. And He provides. 

Glancing around the waiting area I saw a familiar face! One of my Dad's cousins, a retired Mennonite minister, was reading. He was as surprised to see me as I was to see him. Of course, the tears came again as we shared our stories. He was there with his wife, who is the patient and fighting her own cancer battle. This couple is so gentle and caring. I immediately felt God's reassurance and comfort. I received the reminder that I'm SO not alone in this walk! There are many others who are bravely facing much more severe challenges and living in joy and hope. 

Take courage from this powerful passage in II Chronicles 20 that recounts Jehoshaphat's response when faced with a scary report:

"...and he said, 'O Lord, the God of our fathers, are You not God in the heavens? And are You not ruler over all the kingdoms of the nations? Power and might are in Your hand so that no one can stand against You...for we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You.'

...thus says the Lord to you, 'DO NOT FEAR or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's...You need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf...tomorrow go out to face them for the Lord is with you.'

Give thanks to the Lord, for His LOVINGKINDNESS is everlasting.

When they began singing and praising, the Lord set ambushes..." 

Even though cancer and other difficult issues are my journey, I can do this thing with God's help. I will trust and not be afraid. God's peace will carry me down each and every hallway.

The Case of the Disappointing Muffins

I came home from a busy day craving a baked good. Something sweet but sorta healthy as well. So I decided to make the good old standby Graham Gems muffins from my well-loved More With Less Cookbook. It's a recipe that I've been making for years and years.

But at the end of the baking time, they just didn't look right! So I baked them for five minutes longer. But they still looked a little odd. They tasted slightly interesting as well. I scoured the recipe several times looking for what I missed. What did I do wrong?? Should I not have put coconut oil instead of melted fat? I rarely bake with white flour but did that make a difference this one time? Seasoned baker's may already know what I did...

As I looked at the recipe the next morning it finally dawned on me! Yes, I had used baking POWDER instead of baking SODA. These ingredients look so much alike and yet serve such a different function. Since I don't understand those functions, I'm constantly in danger of making this mistake. One small change of one teaspoon can make a HUGE difference in a recipe. One time I forgot the salt in my bread dough recipe. BIG DIFFERENCE! (For your information, sprinkling salt on baked bread is just NOT the same!)

It made me think about how one small change can make a HUGE difference in the quality of my life. So I'm wondering if is there is an area where I need to make a small change. Is there an area where I'm not getting the right result; but one small change could make all the difference? Could transform failure to "success"? Something slightly odd to something completely delicious?

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5 TPT

I'm asking. I'm trying to keep an open heart and mind as God reveals to me areas in my life that need small adjustments. How about replacing worry with worship? Criticism with appreciation? Small changes; huge results. Will you join me?

handing over the keys

Yesterday I handed over my keys and said a final goodbye to my corner office space. After 16 years there is no longer a designated spot for me to claim at Black Rock Retreat.

Those keys gave me access to many closets and rooms on the grounds. They were a symbol of belonging. They also were a sign of responsibility. With them I was tasked with making things happen. With planning and smoothing out details, with making things right for our guests. With carrying my part of the "load" at BRR. I loved it! I wonder how many miles I logged in over those years - setting up, tearing down, setting up again, the endless checking of details. I loved the weight of it all. The "satisfaction and pride of a job well done". The deep knowing that I was fulfilling what God wanted me to do as a faithful servant. I rarely forgot what an honor it was to have a job that was also a ministry at it's very core.

But, the day came when those duties were more of a burden than a blessing. When I didn't jump into the fray arms wide open but took hesitant, dutiful steps. The day when God said, "It is time, Nancy". 

And so with a deep sense of gratitude, I handed over my keys to Jamie. One last time I closed down the computer, turned off the lights. Took one more glance back into the space now devoid of my personal touches. Closed the door and walked down the hallway. As I stood outside saying goodbye to a co-worker I was telling her that, to my surprise, the strongest emotions came when I handed over those keys. It was a defining moment. With a smile this young girl said, "AND NOW YOU'RE FREE." 

YES, Sherry! Free indeed. With a deep breath and a smile on my face I started my car and headed down the driveway into the future.

PS. Thankfully I'm not severing all ties with my beloved Black Rock Retreat. I'll remain an employee working very part time in the gift shop and helping with fund raising events. This fact certainly helped yesterday go a bit easier!!!

The Best Decade

Hi friends! I recently turned 60 years old!!! When I began this blog, 3 years ago, I wasn't sure I would see this great event! :-) In celebration a dear friend gave me a custom-made necklace with six interlocking rings on it representing each decade of my life. As I thought about those specific decades, I tried to come up with a word to represent each one. And as I looked back over those years, though there were many good moments in all of them, there were so many struggles. Sadly, most of the challenges came from within me. But, much to my surprise, and against all logic, the decade that had the most joy, the most peace, my best decade was this last one - from 50 to 60!

Of course a huge part of that would be becoming "Grams" and the addition of my five precious grandchildren! But in general that doesn't really make sense. The last decade brought a diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer. I probably cried every single day that initial year. I also found myself prostrate flat on the floor crying out to my God for forgiveness, for mercy, for healing. It brought a health challenge for one of my grandchildren. But it also brought a deepened peace in my relationship with Jerry. We became empty-nesters and were compelled to relate without the distraction of others. I've become more at peace with who I am, weaknesses, brokenness and all. I finally let go of the idea of perfection in this life. I've become more confident in who God is.

Your thinking changes when you live in the shadow of death - the blessing of a heavenly perspective. Isn't this is how God wants us to live anyway? With a remembrance of who we are and who He is and the shortness of this life and the "foreverness" of the next life. I am learning to be still and KNOW that He is God and I am not alone. Never. He is truly GOD WITH US, Emmanuel. THIS is my great comfort.

Don't be obsessed with money but live content with what you have, for you ALWAYS have GOD'S PRESENCE. For hasn't He promised you, "I will NEVER leave you alone. NEVER! And I will NOT loosen my grip on your life." So I can say with confidence: "I KNOW the LORD is for me and I will never be afraid of what people may do to me."

Hebrews 13:5,6 The Passion Translation

The old-time song says, "He promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone. No never alone. No never alone. He promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone." May this truth ring loud and clear as we face our next decade, this new dawning day. In the natural realm my next ten years would involve me going to heaven but I'm believing for a miracle. Perhaps I'll be given another decade of healthy life...or more :-). But if I don't reach that milestone, it's okay. This earthly life is a small dot at the end of a rope that goes on forever. I know that my rope is going to be awesome. I pray that you have that confidence as well. If you don't, please talk with someone you trust about your place in eternity. Feel free to write to me! I'd love to hear from you, fellow traveler on the journey.

This Child (a poem for all whose hearts are heavy because of a child)

It's Christmas season
     the tree is sparkling with tinsel and lights
     every nook of my home has been transformed
     cookies have been baked
     parties have begun.
All this to celebrate the birth of a SPECIAL BABY
     many many years ago.

This baby, Holy God in the form of a servant,
     was the greatest gift ever given.

This baby grew in wisdom and stature
     and favor with God and man.
     He grew to complete His earthly purpose of giving His life.
This baby became a man who loved children.
The "spiritual" disciples, trying to protect Jesus from the unimportant interruptions,
     scolded those who brought the little ones to Jesus for a blessing.
But this special Baby Grown Up As A Man, JESUS, said,
     "I WANT little children to come to me,
     so never interfere with them when they want to come,
     for heaven's kingdom realm is composed of beloved ones like these."
     as He placed His hands of blessing on each of them.

On this dark and cold December morning,
     my heart is heavy for a precious baby in my life,
     for the loved little ones who never got a chance to see earthly life,
     for the arms that ache to hold them
     for the parents seeking answers for their beautiful babies
     for the many families who are shedding tears because of crushed
            hopes and dreams.
I take comfort in knowing that THIS BABY,
     who is the REDEEMER OF ALL
     warmly welcomes each of these little ones as we bring them to 
           Him for blessing.
No child is too small, 
No life insignificant
Or unnoticed by our tender Savior.

This GOD-CHILD fulfilled His purpose, 
     His difficult earthly destiny to bring eternal blessings.
Because of His gift, each life, whether long or short on this earth,
     is valuable and precious and FILLED WITH PURPOSE 
     from the Creator of life.
And for this I rejoice.

Dear Jesus, we find comfort in your gentle compassion

     knowing that we can bring our precious babies to You

     and Your arms are never too full for one more

     Your hands are ever reaching.

As we celebrate the birth of our Savior-King,

     may all sadness and fear be enveloped in Your peace and comfort.

Thank You for loving our babies even more than we do.

Thank you for peace in the middle of unanswerable questions

Joy in the hope of eternity where all will be well.

   

A scan and a question

I remember with sweet nostalgia the beautiful, expressive voice of Ethel Barrett as she retold Bible stories and others, like Buzzy Bee! My sister, brother and I used to listen to these stories on records as children. My favorite was the telling of Elijah and the Still Small Voice.

I Kings tells the story of how Elijah faced a crowd of false prophets and won a huge victory for God on Mount Carmel. But one threat from Queen Jezebel, sent him running for his life. He hid in the mountains and asked God to take his life. He felt alone and spent. And God spoke to him in that hiding place.

"WHAT ARE YOU DONG HERE, ELIJAH?"

In the past weeks, I have celebrated 60 years of life, 34 months of cancer survivorship and, yesterday, a clear brain scan. HUGE reasons to dance and rejoice! But, like Elijah, one threat about a grandchild's health and my own uncertain pains have pushed me to a hiding place, cowering in a corner with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Holding my breath.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, NANCY?"

God's voice was not in the wind of adversity. It was not in the earthquake shaking my plans. It was not in the fire of fear that threatens to consume every part of me. It IS in the sound of gentle blowing on this Saturday morning alone with Him.

Dear friend, there WILL be great, strong wind, earthquakes and fire in our lives. How do we not become distraught and overcome with the swirling elements? One way I have found is to INTENTIONALLY SEEK HIS GENTLE AND QUIET WHISPER. In this season of busyness of the holidays and family gatherings, cookie bakes, and all things "Christmas", I encourage you to be intentional with your time with God. It's the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit that gives strength and courage and vision and purpose.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, MY CHILD?"

I want to be about doing my Father's business! With whatever strength I may have.  For however many days that may be. Yes, and amen.

The First Morning

In the dark of night, the rain relentlessly pounded upon my roof

threatening to break through with force and power.

Water drops fell from my ceiling in the kitchen.

But in my room all was dry and secure.

I closed my eyes and shut out the noise of the storm,

safe in my haven of blankets and warmth.

Morning broke gently with lingering drops from the trees.

I awoke 

to a new day filled with promise and sunshine.

The orange and red and green leaves glistening.

Sun sparkling from the trees and grass.

A sunrise filled with hope and goodness.

A beautiful fall day in my corner of the world.

I breath deeply of this gift and embrace all the possibilities of this

beginning.

Yet, there are many sunrises that are grey

With promises of dark and damp hours ahead.

Yes, they have beauty, a certain tranquility and comfort.

But mornings like this one, ah, they remind me of my

 first morning in heaven.

This world, though filled with it's own beauty and joy,

is but a grey taste of the effervescent morning that awaits.

A morning filled with colors and jewels and joy unlike we are able to imagine

While I'm on this side of tomorrow.

I will make the most of this gift called today.

Even on dreary days and nights.

I will live with the promise of a bright tomorrow.

We must all face this certainty:

This life on earth will end.

For sure and for certain.

I will celebrate the days here

with my eyes focused on the eternal.

The morning ahead where there will be 

no water dripping from the ceiling,

no storms threatening to destroy,

No fear or accidents or pain or death or sickness or depression.

My Facebook friend, Celesta, just made that journey

to her best tomorrow.

"I'll see you later.", I wrote to her.

"You shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace.

The mountains and the hills will break forth before you

And all the trees of the fields will clap their hands." Isiah 55:12

I can only imagine her homecoming party as the trees

clapped their hands.

Her Dad and many loved ones and JESUS welcomed her to her

eternal home.

A place where she is once again completely free to run and breathe.

And celebrate.

We made plans to meet there some lovely day.

Perhaps we'll talk about this cancer journey

and the sweetness of it all,

the lessons learned that couldn't have been experienced

in the smooth life.

Father, teach us Your ways, 

Your plan

in the rainy mornings

the cold, dark nights

in the fresh sunrises

 and glorious sunsets.

So that we can know that You are

 WITH US in our todays

and leading us to our

 sparkling eternal tomorrows.