Avoiding a plane crash.....

After a good amount of time flying along at a healthy altitude, my little plane decided to take a nosedive. I've had no major turn for the worse. The big C-monster is still in it's cage....but the cage is still in my room. At times I feel it's cold breath on my cheek or hear it's raspy whisper of impending doom in my ear. But it's the little foxes that are nipping at my heels that have sent this fragile vessel heading for a crash.

A lingering pain from an extended cold/cough caused fear to return to my pattern of thoughts. Focusing on the fact that since my diagnosis I've had some kind of pain or irritation going on in my body brought weariness. The short days, lack of sunshine, the cold. The upcoming Christmas holiday and remembering last year and how clueless I was that my life was about to change forever brings sadness. Struggling to do the everyday tasks that used to bring joy.  It's a little foxes that are stealing the grapes. The sweetness of my present life!

Yesterday was my 11 month anniversary as a cancer survivor. Jerry and I were chatting and he mentioned next Christmas. I started to cry....consumed with the thought that I might not be alive next Christmas. His words were exactly what I would have told anyone in years past! Yes, I would "be alive"! I might be here on this earth or at an even better place with many loved ones.  But I would most definitely be alive. I believe this to the very core of my being. I don't even like to say of my Grandma in heaven, "she WAS the sweetest person I knew"....because she still IS! His words began a change in my heart and mind. Helped to turn this plane upward once again. Encouragement from others gave gas to my sputtering engine. I don't want to ruin today by worrying about tomorrow. That is NOT trust! That is NOT God's best for me....or for you.

So what scripture have I been clinging to this week? How about John 3:16? 
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him SHALL NOT PERISH but have EVERLASTING LIFE." This is real, folks. This is where the rubber meets the road. I shall not perish.

Oh sure, "My heart and my flesh may fail (this will happen to everyone until Jesus returns), BUT GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

So once again I'm declaring that God is my strength for THIS day. I may have to rest more than before, that's ok. I may have to shed a few tears. Not once have I felt condemned from my Father for those tears that He's storing in my rather large bottle! This is not the journey I would have chosen. But it's where I am and I will rejoice and be glad because His mercies are new for this day and He has given strength for this day. As we enter this Christmas week, I want to treasure each moment with my loved ones and hold them near. Not out of fear but out of gratitude and the desire to make the most of each opportunity. I can't keep the foxes from circling around me but I will keep them from stealing my sweet grapes of joy. None of us know what the future holds and that can be daunting at times. But we do know Who holds the future. Yes, that's a popular line from a song....but it's still TRUTH. I will hold to that TRUTH today. And this truth will keep my plane flyin'! 

What about HOPE?

Many of us know the verse from the "Love Chapter", I Corinthians 13 - "These three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love." In all my years of listening to sermons, I don't recall hearing one on HOPE. We know that love is the greatest thing of all. God is love. And we know that without faith it's impossible to please God. But what about HOPE? It kind of always seemed like it wasn't quite as spiritual or as important as the other two.  And yet, I love the concept of HOPE. Hope brings light to dark places, strength in weakness and peace to a troubled heart.

Psalm 42:5b - HOPE in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His PRESENCE.

I am now in my tenth month as a cancer survivor. And these ten months I've been holding on to hope. I hoped for the kind of cancer that could be treated with Tarceva. God answered that hope, that prayer. I hoped for strength for this journey, to be grateful for each new day. What can I say....it's a process! I hope that the treatment plan will continue to be effective for many years. And I have a certain HOPE of a glorious future. I know that I know that I shall NOT perish but have everlasting life!!!

Psalm 130:7 - O Israel (child of God), HOPE in the Lord; For with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is ABUNDANT REDEMPTION.

One definition of hope is "a feeling of trust". I can have HOPE because I TRUST my Creator. Many times I've asked myself if I really really trust God? It's so much easier to speak words of faith and trust; to sing words of surrender and commitment when all is well. Yes, Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!

Romans 15:13 - Now may the GOD OF HOPE fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Dear friend, do you need hope today? Won't you join me in this prayer  and look for opportunities to praise God in your moments today, to put your hope in Him. Holding on to hope means we must let go of bitterness and unforgiveness because that clogs up the pipeline that brings hope, healing and peace to our body, soul and spirit. Join me in this journey as a person overflowing in hope....not based on our circumstances but grounded in the faithfulness of our great God.

Dear Father, thank You for the help of Your tender presence! Open my eyes to see my life from Your perspective. I trust YOU. Thank you for giving hope through Your warm lovingkindness and Your abundant redemption! Thank You for being a God of hope and filling me with joy and peace as I trust You. May my life abound in this hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. And I give you all the glory. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Thanking anyway......

It began by skirting around the edges, barely noticed as I ran through the whirlwind of my September and October. On occasion I felt a rawness in my throat, an unusual pressure in my sinuses. Another "bug" was sneaking around but I wanted to avoid it! God was so gracious to keep me healthy through my many responsibilities of those months. Sleep was not always my friend, avoiding me on nights when I needed it most. As my birthday approached, I began to feel the walls come crashing down once again. My immune system had failed to keep the walls secure from sickness.

For the past three weeks I've been once again battling a random virus. This time I've been coughing and had laryngitis. I led worship in the beginning stages of this because I did NOT want to give an inch to the enemy. However since that time, I've basically been on self imposed lock down. Once again I've cleared my calendar. In several cases I postponed an event for a week only to postpone it a week later. All the while trying to do the right things....rest, drink water, praise, rest some more and be grateful. And started taking an antibiotic to help things along. I think I'm seeing progress but.....

Today, my spirit is weary of this present battle. I'm tired of not being able to talk freely! I'm fed up with the pain that comes with each movement, each cough. I want to DO. I'm not liking the side effects of the antibiotic. I am so ready to feel well. And I know I will. The previous battle from March reminds me that I WILL recover, I WILL feel better soon. This skirmish will come to an end, quietly fading from view.

But even as I write these challenges, I'm very aware that I am abundantly blessed (thank you, Terri R.), have so much to be thankful for! Yes, I know that. So once again, on this new day, I'm given the responsibility of setting my mind on things that are good and lovely and good report. Even on this day that's not playing out the way I had hoped.

Here's what I am thankful for (in no particular order): precious family, devoted friends, ability to eat and sleep, no fever!, I can walk!, my sunroom view, grandchildren, gifts of food, God's Presence, I voted!, warm house, wonderful co-workers and job and hey, not thinking about cancer so much! I'm thankful for ginger ale, awesome children, sunshine, peace even in my tears.

Life doesn't always go as planned. We know this. But we also know that God is not surprised by anything that happens. Our candidate doesn't always win. We hope anyway. Our health isn't perfect. We trust anyway. Our relationships have struggles. We love anyway. Our path isn't always smooth. We hold His hand anyway because we know.....

"God is good.
God is good to me.
God is good at being God.
And today is another page in our
Great Love Story.

Nothing that happens to us will change that or even alter it in the slightest way!"
                    ~Lisa Terkheurst

Reclaiming the Territory

It's a blustery, chilly day in Quarryville, PA and I'm wrapped up in my fuzzy blanket in the beautiful Marantha Retreat Center lobby at Black Rock Retreat. We are in the final hours of the 37 hours of silence at our Silent Sanctuary Retreat. 34 guests have joined me in this powerful journey. This event is so near and dear to my heart and I'm grateful for the privilege of being a part of this since Black Rock Retreat began hosting it about eight years ago. Through the years many guests have taken a huge step of faith and joined us for a weekend "free from the tyranny of words".

This weekend has been significant in my life; it's been an opportunity to take back territory that I feel has been stolen from me this year. Last night we bundled up against the swirling wind and took our night time prayer walk. How awesome to walk together in silence to various points around camp - the three crosses, neighboring field, several campfires - and hear Scripture being read. The last time I led this walk was in January of this year.....three days before the word "tumor" was spoken over me. I had chosen various passages that spoke to me for the walk. As I was reading them again yesterday, the significance of those passages at that season in my life was overwhelming. I chose to read many of those same passages again for the walk. However this time with 9 months of traveling this cancer journey as my frame of reference. The prayer walk is always a step of faith for me to lead! It's amazing how trails look completely different in the dark of night. I can imagine getting lost with 20 guests following behind me! Even last night as we came to a place where several trails converged I had to take a moment to get my bearings before leading our group forward. The weather was windy and cold and rainy earlier in the day. I was so tempted to cancel. But my daughter gave me the motivation I needed to go for it anyway as she reminded me that many were looking forward to this new experience. I fought back the sobs as I read about the crucifixion, Jesus' triumph over death and His all encompassing love for each one of us. We read "the heavens are telling the glory of God" as we gazed upward at the stars sprinkled across the sky above the silhouetted neighboring Amish farms. This was a chance for me to stake my claim again. To declare to the powers that be once again that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. NOTHING, not sickness nor pain nor death nor strife nor anything present or to come. Nothing. Case closed. I still believe. God's word is always true. In fact, for me, His word has become even more a shelter in times of storm. A safe place. A warm soft purple blanket wrapping me in security and peace.

The previous Silent Sanctuary Retreat that we hosted was in March. I had just begun taking the highest dose of Tarceva. My face was blemished and painful, my scalp was itchy and sore. My confidence was shaken and I even wondered if my grandchildren would be still know, still love this new Grams. I didn't like her very much. But I was moving forward the best I could being thankful for the medication and the anticipated reversal that it would eventually bring to those cancer cells. As day two began, I was slammed with what we later found out was that nasty flu that was making it's rounds in Lancaster County. I couldn't eat, couldn't do much of anything besides shiver under the covers in my lodging room. The prayer walk was cancelled. because the coordinator was hibernating in her room. But that night I needed to know what was happening to my body so Jerry picked me up and took me the the emergency room. After hanging out there for about 4 hours we trudged back to Black Rock Retreat, at least knowing that what I had was not related to the cancer or the medication.....it was just a random "bug" that completely blew me out of the water. As Jerry slept I lay curled up right outside the bathroom door waiting for daylight. Just wanting to do what needed to be done and GO HOME. Thankfully there was a young gal on staff who was available to help me in packing up the many items I use for the various prayer stations. I threw them in my bags as quickly as possible, laying on the floor as she did the gathering. I have never been so glad to get home to my sunroom, my couch. And that was where I stayed for the next week till the fevers ended and I felt like life just might return back to the new normal.

In light of those unpleasant memories, the thought of returning to that lodging room and this retreat was a bit daunting. Satan had stolen the beauty, the sacredness, the joy from the event in my memory. It was TIME to take them back. A warrior spirit is being planted in my soul and is beginning to take root in this reluctant soldier. I declare today that God has gently been replacing those sad memories with joyful ones. At each juncture, I am filled with thankfulness for His healing! Thankful for these precious guests who are seeking God in the stillness. Thankful that today I can walk and smile and give hugs and write and WORSHIP. Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Jesus!

I'm once again letting go of the past and reaching for the new thing that God is doing. Sometimes the past we must let go of is filled with bitter memories and pain and disappointments. Sometimes we need to let go of the yesterdays that were wonderful. Each NEW day is a gift and is filled with purpose and meaning and beauty. But we can't receive those if our hands are still grasping onto our yesterdays. Let's not allow satan to steal what is rightfully ours! Jesus came to give abundant life....life to the FULL. I will walk in that today. I will not let the regrets from the past or the worries about my unknown future rob my today of the joy and peace available to me! And once again I ask you, dear unseen friend, will you join me in this walk?

"Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."  Isaiah 43:19

the changing seasons

Autumn is sneaking softly in the back door in my beautiful Lancaster County. You can sense it in the early morning chill. You can see it as the trees give hints of the color yet to come. Early autumn, a time when the evenings are cool but the sun can still bring warmth during the afternoon. Much as I love summer - the heat, the pool, the flowers - there is a freshness, a freedom in the air today. A much needed break from the oppressive humidity. I'm glad for that. If only, if only it didn't also hint of the winter season following so closely.....

I guess it's safe to say that I'm in my early autumn as well. Somehow it crept up on me....and I'm finally ready to own it. To live it. I had a blessed spring filled with loving family, wonderful memories of farm life. My summer was overflowing with singing, my own precious babies, building a life with Jerry, struggles and triumphs. And now...now....I guess it's early autumn. And that's ok. I'm breathing easier in the cooler temps free from the heat of the responsibilities that filled my summer.  Colorful leaves are taking over where there was vibrant green life. Perhaps it's becoming a "Grams" that has given me peace in this new season. I mean, those babies are worth it all!!! Or maybe it's the birthday coming up that will solidly place me in the upper 50's and attending my 40th high school class reunion! Yes, summer is over, classmates!

Friend, whether you are in your spring, summer, fall or winter, God is with you! He is WITH you. Jesus has said, "I am with you ALWAYS, to the end of the age". To the end of the season. This truth gives me hope and comfort. As I walk this autumn adventure as a wife, mom, daughter, Grams, sister, employee, friend, worship leader and cancer survivor I am determined that my leaves will be filled with bright colors, the air around me filled with freedom and peace.

Receiving a stage four cancer diagnosis certainly turns one's thoughts to end of life and the winter season. It has made me so grateful for my full, blessed life, for my current remission status....and filled me with a desire to make it further on down the road. I'm asking God to give me a specific amount of healthy years, to enjoy this life into my late fall at least. But I'm keeping my eyes, my heart on my next life. That life will be filled with the newness of spring, the warmth and vibrancy of summer, the freshness of fall and the beauty of pristine fallen snow on a sunny winter morning all wrapped up into one perfect, glorious day after day after day. I'm in. Are you?

Party Time!

I had it all planned out.....this next post was going to be about the posture of a raised fist. But that will have to wait.....

Today is my 8 month survivor celebration. I have been feeling better once again now that I'm on a higher dose. But we always yearn for confirmation, don't we? I don't trust my judgement about my breath. At my last doctor visit, Dr. Oyer noticed that the fluid level had increased a tiny bit from before which is why we increased the dose. Since then, the side effects have increased slightly, the feeling of pressure has decreased and my hope for more days on Tarceva has grown. Today I had a chest xray in preparation for my doctor visit on Thursday.

In these 8 months, I've received one phone call from my doctor. This was in the early part of my journey. He called to tell me that they thought I had the type of tumor that could be managed. He said the words, "we can make you well". They have done that. What a surprise to answer the phone this afternoon and hear his warm voice with the wonderful news that, indeed, my lungs look good and I remain in REMISSION. What GREAT words!

Energized, I lugged the trash to burn down to the corner of our yard that overlooks a patch of woods. As the smoke rose to the sky I raised my hands towards heaven, palms wide open, much like the winners of a race in the Olympics. I clapped my hands and the trees of the field echoed my praise. I danced and jumped and shouted and clapped and clapped some more.

This is not the end of my journey. But this is today. And I will rejoice and be glad in it. Today is a day for celebration. For thanking God for all of the wonderful moments I've experienced these past 8 months. For the fact that Tarceva is available, that I had the type of cancer that this manages. For thanking each one of you who read my wondering thoughts on this blog, who say a pray to our Father on my behalf, who have loved and supported our family in so many ways. You know who you are. THANK YOU!!! I am in this party mode because of your efforts and the awesome grace of God.


My newest theme verse is from Philippians 1:18b-20:
"...and I will rejoice,
for I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers
and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ,
according to my earnest expectation and hope,
that I will not be put to shame in anything,
but that with all boldness,
Christ will even now,
as always,
be exalted in my body,
whether by life or by death."

This is my prayer....no matter what happens. I want Jesus to be glorified through my life on this earth. I have failed more times than I care to remember....but HE never fails. I've tripped and fallen short many times but HE never has given up on me. He will never leave us or forsake us. And I take great comfort in knowing that He will give me the strength to glorify Him and not be put to shame as I walk this journey. To God be the glory, great things He has done!

The needed adjustment

Good morning, unseen friends! It's a glorious late summer morning and I'm once again ensconced in my sunroom looking out over the meadow and listening to worship music and the song of birds. How I wish that the peace I feel at this moment would always surround my heart and mind. But, in all honesty, I'm in constant need of adjustments.....

I was approaching my last doctor visit when the pressure in my core began to be a bit more noticeable once again. So I wasn't surprised when Dr. Oyer told me that a bit of the fluid had returned to my lungs. This is an indication that my medication isn't as effective as before. It's a fact, Tarceva can work for a few months or a number of years. Of course, I'm praying for the latter!!! We decided to increase my dosage to a happy medium between where I was and where we started. And so that has begun. I'm tolerating it fairly well. It was a needed adjustment.

When I awaken and feel a familiar twinge in my shoulders and neck for several mornings in a row, I know a chiropractic adjustment is needed. Last week this was taken care of and once again I am free from that restriction. A needed adjustment.

The most challenging adjustment, of course, is with my attitude! All too easily I slip back into self pity and sadness over the life that I had before the diagnosis. Yes, on the outside I'm active and back to "normal". But the process of getting my attitudes and heart and mind where they need to be is an ongoing task. I'm sure the same is true with all of us. We don't need to be facing a life threatening illness to struggle with attitudes of pride, selfishness, judgments, fear and offense. These can't be fixed with a simple pill or once and done treatment. 

As I walk this journey, these simple things have helped me:
~GOD'S WORD....don't wait till you're hanging on the end of your rope to fill your life and heart with these precious words of life!
~MUSIC....old hymns, new tunes reminding me of who God is, who I am, where I'm heading, what is really important.
~FAMILY and FRIENDS....knowing that we are being covered in loving prayers means the world to Jerry and me; games and laughing with family; kind co-workers; cheerful emails; cards; everyday moments of making applesauce and watching babies.
~CHOOSING TO REJOICE....There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

"...giving thanks at ALL times for ALL things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God,even the Father...."  Eph. 5:20

This is possible because I KNOW......
"God causes ALL THINGS to work together for GOOD to those who love God...." Rom. 8:28

All times, all things. This requires much needed and ongoing adjustments.....

So do Your work, O God,
in our lives and hearts and minds
so that Your kingdom may come
and Your will be done in our lives
as it is in heaven. 
Yes, and amen.