Looking Inside.....on getting an MRI

Taking a look inside.....that's what will be happening for me this Friday morning. I've not had a complete chest and abdomen scan or brain MRI since near the beginning of this journey. After 18 months of outwardly seeing great results and miraculous health, it's time to take a peak inside so see what is really going on. I've not been in a hurry to get scans. But it's time. Cancer survivors call the emotions leading up to this "scanxiety". It's the unknown AGAIN. Waiting and wondering. Being hopeful and yet uncertain. The pictures will show. AT LEAST we have the capability to see inside today, right?


Outwardly, everything appears to be good, normal. But that was the case before my diagnosis and yet the cancer was quietly spreading throughout my body! I was eating healthy foods and exercising and still it was moving from my lung to lymph nodes, bone and brain! The only way to get an accurate assessment is to look deep inside. Prayers would be greatly appreciated! I'm hoping for a miracle of NED. No Evidence of Disease.

That reminds me of the work that God's Word does for our spirits! It's easy to be doing the right things outwardly. Look good. Act appropriately. And yet inwardly a cancer of resentment....unforgiveness....hidden bondage....jugemental attitudes.....can be spreading quietly, taking over. Replacing the good with ungratefulness. Peace with worry (my daily struggle). Faith with fear.

In this day of many helpful books, podcasts, videos, and blogs :-), our time can be used up. The Bible can be left on the shelf. Unread. And yet, truly, it is the ONLY God-breathed book. This book is ALIVE and filled with TRUTH. This book can somehow reach deep inside, and like the brain MRI I'll be getting, take an accurate picture of what's REALLY going on inside. AND, it not only says "this is what's going on" but it provides a remedy for the issues that are exposed.

"For the Word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12

I don't want to get these CT scans and MRI's more than absolutely necessary. BUT, I need the clear inside picture of my heart daily from God's Word. It's the only way to grow and become the person God created me to be, living my moments to the fullest.  Free. Forgiven. Healed.

Car Conversation

It was a rainy, dark night and we were cautiously traversing down unknown roads on our way home from a distant wedding. It had been several days since we had left the routine and quiet of home. The weekend was filled with laughter, grandbabies, a 2 hour eye doctor appointment (addressing my newest health challenge), family - some whom I hadn't seen in several years and yes, a few tears. It was comforting to finally get on a road we recognized and it was OUR road - though still 30 miles from home.

In one of my "cancer books" I was reminded of ways to NOT comfort someone. It struck a sour chord when I read that saying "at least....." doesn't help! I confess to saying this with many good intentions all too often.  But no more. However, it has become a game of sorts for Jerry and me. When spoken to oneself, it is a good thing, a reminder of countless blessings even in seasons of lack.

We pulled into our driveway late last night with a sigh of relief. However our yard looked like an alfalfa field due to our lawn mower breaking down last week. So I commented on that which led to this conversation:

N - But at least we have a yard.
J - At least we have a house to come home to!
N - At least I was able to go to the wedding.
J - (reaching over to grab my hand) At least you are still with us!
Quiet pause. Nodding of heads.
N - (smirking) At least YOU are still with us!😘

I hope we can continue these "at least" conversations. It helps us to remember the good in the midst of the things that don't always go as hoped or planned. Lawn mowers will break down right when you need to use them. Health concerns will arise. People will let us down. Someone may even say "at least...." to you.

So here's my favorite "at least":
At least we know that GOD IS GOOD no matter what our situation. He is good when He doesn't answer our prayers in the way we hope and, yes, when He does!
HE IS GOOD.
AMEN.
CASE CLOSED.

What's next???

My two year old grandson loves to sit on my lap and watch a video where various construction vehicles roll across the screen. It's very techno and basic but it's perfect for this little kiddo....and his grams. As the cement mixer exits the left side of the screen, he says with delight, "What's next?".

I am so grateful that the physical battle seems to have eased up a bit. Fighting this cancer need not be my main focus at this time. It's still the monster in the cage BUT for now it's sleeping and very quiet. So I ask God, "What's next?" This has been on my mind lately as I look at an empty journal page or contemplate this blog..... What's next? I'm ready to go from holding on for dear life to celebrating and growing and learning. It's a fresh, new season. The robins are playing in the yard, the sunshine is softening the hard, cold soil. The grass is turning green and the trees are filled with gentle beginnings.

So I say with delight, "What's next, God?" This morning I opened my Bible to continue on with my "reading through the Bible in one year plan" (though I'm sadly behind schedule, I WILL get it done at some point!) and this is God's answer to me today:

"What does the LORD your God require from you,

But to fear the LORD your God,

To walk in all His ways and love Him,

And to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul,

And to keep the LORD's commandments and His statutes which I am commanding

You today for your good?...

So circumcise your heart, and stiffen your neck no longer.

For the LORD your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords,

The great, the mighty, and the awesome God.....

You shall fear the LORD your God;

You shall serve Him

And cling to Him,

And you shall swear by His name.

He is your praise and He is your God,

Who has done these great and awesome things for you which your eyes have seen."

Deuteronomy 10:12, 13, 16, 17, 20, 21

Fearing God, serving Him and His people, clinging to Him...declaring the great and awesome things that He is doing. That's what's next!

Why Not Us?

Our dinner club was gathered around the lovely table filled with delightful food and glistening water goblets. Our hosts were sharing with us about their son's three and a half year journey walking across the United States. He and a friend just ended this long and daunting trek by jumping into the waves of the Pacific Ocean. achurchofus.com

Proud parents were telling stories of God's faithfulness, protection and provision. They told of the young men's passion to share the love of God with everyone that they met. This was their mission. Every shop that they entered, every person that they encountered, every step of the way was to bring the Good News to whoever would listen. They told of listening to people's stories, praying for waitresses having a bad day, sharing the Gospel with many struggling strangers. Really listening to the answer when they asked "how are you?"


And so I ask myself.....isn't this MY mission as well? Since when does one have to leave everything behind and walk across America to share the faithfulness of Jesus to a stranger? To reach out with a kindness, a smile, a gentle touch?

Today I received the awesome news that I am still in remission. I don't have to go back to the doctor for THREE MONTHS and there is a potential that the Tarceva could take me to a place of healing where I won't even need to take this drug! What FANTASTIC news. News I want to share! News that fills me with hope and joy. But the good news of the Gospel of Jesus, His redemption and forgiveness, is even better news. His love story fills me with lasting hope and joy. It's news I need to share. May God give us a passion and heart of love that propels us into our world with THIS
news.

Terminal Living

Some moments are forever etched in your memory. 33 years ago we sat in our child birth class, wide-eyed watching the real life births on the television screen. When the class was over we went to the library (our version of a cheap date). I distinctly remember thinking, "there HAS to be another way to get this baby out...without pain, trauma, discomfort!" Then I was reminded of the millions and millions of women before me who had successfully given birth and lived to tell about it. Courage rose up within me along with the somewhat competitive thought, "if they can do it, SO CAN I!" Remembering the many women who gave birth without the medical help we have today in my little corner of the world helped me to be brave. And, what do you know, I went through that three times!

Well, that same thought process has been rumbling around in my brain for the past few days with regards to dying. I hope you are not too disappointed to hear that many of my thoughts - when not otherwise occupied - center around how one makes that transition from earthly life to heavenly forever life. More specifically, how I will make that transition....when.... I want to be brave. I need to have courage. But I'm wondering if there is another easier way??? Like childbirth, it just ain't so.

Did you know that more people die from lung cancer than any other cancer? Five-year survival is around 54% for early stage lung cancer that is localized to the lungs, but only around 4% in advanced, inoperable lung cancer. 4%!!!!??? Most of the time, I don't dwell on those statistics. But it is sobering, for sure! HOWEVER, did you know that being human has a 0% survivor rate? We are all walking around with a terminal condition! Why is it so easy to forget that? To live like we'll be here forever. That this life is the end all and be all of our existence? Why do I get so emotional when I think of end of life on earth? Have not millions and millions before me gone through the valley of the shadow of death? Children of God are assured a safe passage and a glorious home-going party on the other side of the door. If they can do it, SO CAN I!

It's been sung that "I hope you get the chance to live like you are dying". For 14 months I've listened to the evil chuckles and discouraging snarls from the monster in a cage in the corner of my room. Yes, thank God, I'm in remission, feeling well and doing life. But that unwelcome resident has opened my eyes to the overwhelming love of God permeating my entire room! It's opened my ears to the comforting whispers of the Holy Spirit. It's clarified gratitude for each simple joy. The Word of God has become my lifeline like never before. It's reminded me that each day is a gift filled with purpose and strength for the task. No new great revelation here but something worth being reminded of, don't you think?

Give a hat!

"There is always, always, always something to be thankful for."

Jerry and I just spent a week serving with Mennonite Disaster Service in a small town in West Virginia that suffered a major flood last year. Our team was working on rebuilding four houses damaged by the torrent of water that surged through the town.

One lunch time, our team was eating a delicious meal provided by a local church (they've done this for the volunteers each week day since the disaster and have promised to continue as long as needed!). The day was warm and we were gathered outside soaking in the brilliant sunshine. An older gentleman quietly walked down the steps to the group. Without fanfare, without announcement, without many words he began giving hats to each member of the team. He recorded our names and hometowns. He gave us a choice of orange or blue. He smiled. This man's home had been completely destroyed. His gratitude helped to rebuild hope in his heart just as his house was being rebuilt better, stronger than before. He gave back with a simple gift that unified our team and gave us a practical souvenir of this powerful, life changing week.

Gratitude heals.
It brings healing to the giver AND the receiver.
It opens our eyes to the joy set before us.
The simplest expressions of gratitude bring hope and life in a difficult and uncertain world.

"...give thanks IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Are you, like me, walking in a situation that is trying to steal your joy, your hope and peace? My challenge for us is to BE GRATEFUL. As we thank God for His many blessings and provisions for this day and for the unseen future, we open the door for our healing. Gratitude heals. As we express gratitude to those who are walking beside us in this journey, we open the door for closer relationships and deeper connections.

I am thankful for 13 months of post stage 4 diagnosis life. I am thankful for remission, for medication, for opportunities to share God's greatness in this simple life. For this opportunity to serve and laugh and love our neighbors with Jerry. Gratitude heals. I am choosing to be thankful because it's God's will for me....and for my good. 
Join me?

Confessions in a restaurant.

We sat in the restaurant, tears leaking out of our eyes, trying to hear the whispers above the loud music, clink of glasses and other conversations swirling around us. I glanced around to see if anyone was noticing but most seemed oblivious to our deeply emotional conversation. Our husbands were lost in their own world of hunting, houses and God. We had never been so real with each other but we leaned in and talked about loss and cancer and gains and God.  My friend has suffered a great earthly loss from the evil cancer. We had much to say....and the tears slowly made their way down our cheeks. We agreed:

Heaven is so much better than this life. Our "lost" loved ones are not LOST but just have gone through the doorway to the next life. They are free from dealing with taxes, permits, doctors, disappointments, and pain. We envy them. We sometimes wish to join them in that place. But realistically, it's the process that brings me to my knees. Friends, that is my greatest fear and cause for discouragement and sadness that knocks on the door of my heart once in a while.

We declare that God is good. That His Word is a Rock to stand on. That we believe His promises. That all we can do is STAND and CONFESS and BELIEVE (help my unbelief!) and LEAVE THE REST TO A SOVEREIGN GOD. She fought that cancer battle with someone close to her. She stood in faith. She confessed. She prayed and prayed. And, like many of us, she did not receive the answer she was hoping for. We agree that life is hard AND GOD IS GOOD.

I was finished with my coconut shrimp. The emotions had been gently poured out. With a sigh my friend and I shyly smiled and determined to keep walking this journey, to keep fighting for the blessings of this life, to enjoy the weddings and grandbabies and love of family and support of friends. To keep believing in our sovereign God and the knowledge of heaven...to keep holding onto HOPE even when fears seek to consume our hearts and minds....to cling to the God of hope like our very lives depend upon it. For indeed, they do.