I am a Poem

 

A new day beckoned and I awoke

With a dream to write a poem

When the new day spoke:

"I am a poem", said the day.

"I will be a sonnet to your soul

If you choose to listen on your way."

"A scent of lilacs and freshly mowed grass

If you choose to breathe deeply

And not let the moments pass."

"A masterpiece of flowering trees

Shared with you for a fleeting moment

Before the petals dance to the ground on the breeze."

"Like fragrant snowflakes filling the air

And creating a carpet of pink

Placed by God with tender care."

"Live fully each moment of me

With gratitude for your every breath

And you will truly see"

"I am filled with new mercies and unending love

Peace and hope for today

From your ever-present Father above."

"My gifts to you are a reminder that God will never fail

Joy comes in the morning

....Be still and exhale."

"And when night begins to wrap you in darkness

I am a poem written upon your heart

poignant memories that whisper in the quietness."

"Every word, every line;

Some filled with sorrow, some with joy

Each one a testimony to God's peace sublime."

"I am a poem", said the day.

"Will you read me?"

The Bitter and the Sweet - 5 years

January 20, 2016. The day that I was assigned the diagnosis: stage 4 lung cancer. The day my life changed forever. The day this Unexpected (and Unwanted) Journey began.  We all have those markers in our lives. For some of us, it's a single moment in time. For others, it slowly unravels before us. 

And so, today is my 5 year celebration day. One would think that I'd be full of joy and laughter. I should be, shouldn't I? The sun is even peeking through the clouds to help. But it really is a bittersweet kind of day. 

My most recent scans show "no significant change". That is sweet. And I'm so grateful. They also show cancerous spots throughout my lungs and bones. As bitter and unnerving of a reality check that is, no change is good. This is life for each one of us - the smooth days, the bumpy days. How do I respond to this? How do I live this life with joy and gratitude and sadness and honesty and faith and doubt and hope? 

This morning I've spent time listening to worship music, reading God's word and remembering God's faithfulness through the years. There have been joyous shouts of thanksgiving and there have been tears. I enjoyed a donut from Jerry. In the event that it's true that our loved ones in heaven can see our "special" moments, I blew a kiss to those watching me and cheering me on: Mother, my precious grandparents, Irvin and Joyce and Mel and others. I took a nap and soaked long in the bath. I will get a massage from my daughter and eat yummy food with my sister. I video chatted with grands. And opened gifts from a faithful friend (one can never have too many mugs!). 

And I'm writing to you. To encourage you in your Unexpected Journey, whatever that looks like. Through it all, God is faithful and He will never leave us. Holy Spirit is our comfort. Jesus is our Redeemer and Peace. Call to Him and He will answer you and show you great and glorious things....even on this rocky road.

"Let everyone everywhere shine with praise to Yahwah! Let it all out! Go ahead and praise Him! For He has conquered us with His great love and His kindness has melted our hearts. His faithfulness lasts forever and He will never fail you. So go ahead, let it all out! Praise Yah! O Yah!"   Psalm 117 TPT

"Whenever my busy thoughts were out of control, the soothing comfort of Your presence calmed me down and overwhelmed me with delight.....For You are my True Tower of Strength, my Safe Place, my Hideout, and my True Shelter."   Psalm 94 19, 23b

Hair Dye and Verse of the Year?

 It's been so long since I've written here! So first, a health update. I'm currently doing fairly well. My next scans are the end of January. As usual, the closer the scans get, the more "reality" sets in and the battle intensifies to keep the faith. But God is good and faithful. On January 20 I will celebrate 5 YEARS ON THIS STAGE FOUR CANCER JOURNEY!!!!

And now, on to the story...

It's 2021 (finally!).

A friend recently asked me about my "verse of the year". Do you choose a "verse of the year" or "word of the year"? I've never been inclined to do so but her question got me thinking and listening.

In the past few years I've observed my sister and several friends make the transition from coloring their hair to embracing their natural (changing) color. Hair dye has been a part of my life since my late twenties. That's a long time, folks! Our hair is one thing in our lives that we CAN change and yet know that it's not permanent. I finally feel ready to embrace my silvers or white!

But I've been hindered by 2 factors. First, my hair grows so slowly due to the cancer medication that I'm taking. But this is the same medicine that has brought me my fun curls and volume. For that I am most grateful.

The other reason was the uncertainty of my future. The fact is that at some point the medicine that is keeping the cancer at bay will become ineffective. That is barring a miracle (which I believe is possible). It looks like one of the next steps in my treatment IF that occurs is chemo and potential hair loss. Why not just wait for that to happen and make the big change at the time??

Indeed. Why not? The bottom line is that I don't want cancer to define me or affect my life more than absolutely needed! I don't want cancer to dictate my decisions. And so, I'm in. I've begun the fun journey of looking even more like my dear mother. And I'm ok with that. 

Is there an area in our lives where we are allowing a condition, situation or limitation control more than it should? Let's do what we are passionate about, being intentional with this brief life, walking in obedience to God. Hair is such an unimportant thing! But sometimes baby steps are what is needed. Sometimes baby steps are all I can do! Right foot, left foot.

And so my "verse of the year"? Isaiah 46:3b,4:

You who have been borne by Me from birth and have been carried from the womb; Even to your old age I WILL BE THE SAME, even to your graying years I WILL BEAR YOU! I have done it, I WILL CARRY YOU; And I WILL BEAR YOU and I WILL DELIVER YOU.

So if you see me at the grocery store (one of my big outings these days) and notice my gray shining through, rejoice with me for the gift of time and the faithful God who is with me, carrying me to my final breath here with joy and anticipation in this journey.

The New Hallway

At the top of the stairs, I always turn right.
Right takes me to the cafe.
Right takes me to the Image Recovery Center.
Right takes me to Infusion.
For nearly four years, I've been coming to this cancer center. These places have become familiar to me. I'm comfortable there, I know the drill.

But this day, I needed to turn left.
Left takes me to the Radiation Department.
Left is completely unfamiliar and unwanted.
But, left is where I walked.
Down the New Hallway.

After the report that the initial tumor in my lung has grown slightly, this is where I need to be. We will radiate the small spot and blast those cancer cells to death. I'm thankful that this procedure doesn't require needles and should have very little side effects. I'm so thankful that the medicine I've been taking for 2 years is still working everywhere else! I'm thankful for this option of treatment.

But that doesn't make the New Hallway a place I'm eager to be. BUT GOD. I'm so glad that He knows we are weak. He knows and understands. And He provides. 

Glancing around the waiting area I saw a familiar face! One of my Dad's cousins, a retired Mennonite minister, was reading. He was as surprised to see me as I was to see him. Of course, the tears came again as we shared our stories. He was there with his wife, who is the patient and fighting her own cancer battle. This couple is so gentle and caring. I immediately felt God's reassurance and comfort. I received the reminder that I'm SO not alone in this walk! There are many others who are bravely facing much more severe challenges and living in joy and hope. 

Take courage from this powerful passage in II Chronicles 20 that recounts Jehoshaphat's response when faced with a scary report:

"...and he said, 'O Lord, the God of our fathers, are You not God in the heavens? And are You not ruler over all the kingdoms of the nations? Power and might are in Your hand so that no one can stand against You...for we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You.'

...thus says the Lord to you, 'DO NOT FEAR or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's...You need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf...tomorrow go out to face them for the Lord is with you.'

Give thanks to the Lord, for His LOVINGKINDNESS is everlasting.

When they began singing and praising, the Lord set ambushes..." 

Even though cancer and other difficult issues are my journey, I can do this thing with God's help. I will trust and not be afraid. God's peace will carry me down each and every hallway.

The Case of the Disappointing Muffins

I came home from a busy day craving a baked good. Something sweet but sorta healthy as well. So I decided to make the good old standby Graham Gems muffins from my well-loved More With Less Cookbook. It's a recipe that I've been making for years and years.

But at the end of the baking time, they just didn't look right! So I baked them for five minutes longer. But they still looked a little odd. They tasted slightly interesting as well. I scoured the recipe several times looking for what I missed. What did I do wrong?? Should I not have put coconut oil instead of melted fat? I rarely bake with white flour but did that make a difference this one time? Seasoned baker's may already know what I did...

As I looked at the recipe the next morning it finally dawned on me! Yes, I had used baking POWDER instead of baking SODA. These ingredients look so much alike and yet serve such a different function. Since I don't understand those functions, I'm constantly in danger of making this mistake. One small change of one teaspoon can make a HUGE difference in a recipe. One time I forgot the salt in my bread dough recipe. BIG DIFFERENCE! (For your information, sprinkling salt on baked bread is just NOT the same!)

It made me think about how one small change can make a HUGE difference in the quality of my life. So I'm wondering if is there is an area where I need to make a small change. Is there an area where I'm not getting the right result; but one small change could make all the difference? Could transform failure to "success"? Something slightly odd to something completely delicious?

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5 TPT

I'm asking. I'm trying to keep an open heart and mind as God reveals to me areas in my life that need small adjustments. How about replacing worry with worship? Criticism with appreciation? Small changes; huge results. Will you join me?

handing over the keys

Yesterday I handed over my keys and said a final goodbye to my corner office space. After 16 years there is no longer a designated spot for me to claim at Black Rock Retreat.

Those keys gave me access to many closets and rooms on the grounds. They were a symbol of belonging. They also were a sign of responsibility. With them I was tasked with making things happen. With planning and smoothing out details, with making things right for our guests. With carrying my part of the "load" at BRR. I loved it! I wonder how many miles I logged in over those years - setting up, tearing down, setting up again, the endless checking of details. I loved the weight of it all. The "satisfaction and pride of a job well done". The deep knowing that I was fulfilling what God wanted me to do as a faithful servant. I rarely forgot what an honor it was to have a job that was also a ministry at it's very core.

But, the day came when those duties were more of a burden than a blessing. When I didn't jump into the fray arms wide open but took hesitant, dutiful steps. The day when God said, "It is time, Nancy". 

And so with a deep sense of gratitude, I handed over my keys to Jamie. One last time I closed down the computer, turned off the lights. Took one more glance back into the space now devoid of my personal touches. Closed the door and walked down the hallway. As I stood outside saying goodbye to a co-worker I was telling her that, to my surprise, the strongest emotions came when I handed over those keys. It was a defining moment. With a smile this young girl said, "AND NOW YOU'RE FREE." 

YES, Sherry! Free indeed. With a deep breath and a smile on my face I started my car and headed down the driveway into the future.

PS. Thankfully I'm not severing all ties with my beloved Black Rock Retreat. I'll remain an employee working very part time in the gift shop and helping with fund raising events. This fact certainly helped yesterday go a bit easier!!!

The Best Decade

Hi friends! I recently turned 60 years old!!! When I began this blog, 3 years ago, I wasn't sure I would see this great event! :-) In celebration a dear friend gave me a custom-made necklace with six interlocking rings on it representing each decade of my life. As I thought about those specific decades, I tried to come up with a word to represent each one. And as I looked back over those years, though there were many good moments in all of them, there were so many struggles. Sadly, most of the challenges came from within me. But, much to my surprise, and against all logic, the decade that had the most joy, the most peace, my best decade was this last one - from 50 to 60!

Of course a huge part of that would be becoming "Grams" and the addition of my five precious grandchildren! But in general that doesn't really make sense. The last decade brought a diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer. I probably cried every single day that initial year. I also found myself prostrate flat on the floor crying out to my God for forgiveness, for mercy, for healing. It brought a health challenge for one of my grandchildren. But it also brought a deepened peace in my relationship with Jerry. We became empty-nesters and were compelled to relate without the distraction of others. I've become more at peace with who I am, weaknesses, brokenness and all. I finally let go of the idea of perfection in this life. I've become more confident in who God is.

Your thinking changes when you live in the shadow of death - the blessing of a heavenly perspective. Isn't this is how God wants us to live anyway? With a remembrance of who we are and who He is and the shortness of this life and the "foreverness" of the next life. I am learning to be still and KNOW that He is God and I am not alone. Never. He is truly GOD WITH US, Emmanuel. THIS is my great comfort.

Don't be obsessed with money but live content with what you have, for you ALWAYS have GOD'S PRESENCE. For hasn't He promised you, "I will NEVER leave you alone. NEVER! And I will NOT loosen my grip on your life." So I can say with confidence: "I KNOW the LORD is for me and I will never be afraid of what people may do to me."

Hebrews 13:5,6 The Passion Translation

The old-time song says, "He promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone. No never alone. No never alone. He promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone." May this truth ring loud and clear as we face our next decade, this new dawning day. In the natural realm my next ten years would involve me going to heaven but I'm believing for a miracle. Perhaps I'll be given another decade of healthy life...or more :-). But if I don't reach that milestone, it's okay. This earthly life is a small dot at the end of a rope that goes on forever. I know that my rope is going to be awesome. I pray that you have that confidence as well. If you don't, please talk with someone you trust about your place in eternity. Feel free to write to me! I'd love to hear from you, fellow traveler on the journey.

This Child (a poem for all whose hearts are heavy because of a child)

It's Christmas season
     the tree is sparkling with tinsel and lights
     every nook of my home has been transformed
     cookies have been baked
     parties have begun.
All this to celebrate the birth of a SPECIAL BABY
     many many years ago.

This baby, Holy God in the form of a servant,
     was the greatest gift ever given.

This baby grew in wisdom and stature
     and favor with God and man.
     He grew to complete His earthly purpose of giving His life.
This baby became a man who loved children.
The "spiritual" disciples, trying to protect Jesus from the unimportant interruptions,
     scolded those who brought the little ones to Jesus for a blessing.
But this special Baby Grown Up As A Man, JESUS, said,
     "I WANT little children to come to me,
     so never interfere with them when they want to come,
     for heaven's kingdom realm is composed of beloved ones like these."
     as He placed His hands of blessing on each of them.

On this dark and cold December morning,
     my heart is heavy for a precious baby in my life,
     for the loved little ones who never got a chance to see earthly life,
     for the arms that ache to hold them
     for the parents seeking answers for their beautiful babies
     for the many families who are shedding tears because of crushed
            hopes and dreams.
I take comfort in knowing that THIS BABY,
     who is the REDEEMER OF ALL
     warmly welcomes each of these little ones as we bring them to 
           Him for blessing.
No child is too small, 
No life insignificant
Or unnoticed by our tender Savior.

This GOD-CHILD fulfilled His purpose, 
     His difficult earthly destiny to bring eternal blessings.
Because of His gift, each life, whether long or short on this earth,
     is valuable and precious and FILLED WITH PURPOSE 
     from the Creator of life.
And for this I rejoice.

Dear Jesus, we find comfort in your gentle compassion

     knowing that we can bring our precious babies to You

     and Your arms are never too full for one more

     Your hands are ever reaching.

As we celebrate the birth of our Savior-King,

     may all sadness and fear be enveloped in Your peace and comfort.

Thank You for loving our babies even more than we do.

Thank you for peace in the middle of unanswerable questions

Joy in the hope of eternity where all will be well.

   

A scan and a question

I remember with sweet nostalgia the beautiful, expressive voice of Ethel Barrett as she retold Bible stories and others, like Buzzy Bee! My sister, brother and I used to listen to these stories on records as children. My favorite was the telling of Elijah and the Still Small Voice.

I Kings tells the story of how Elijah faced a crowd of false prophets and won a huge victory for God on Mount Carmel. But one threat from Queen Jezebel, sent him running for his life. He hid in the mountains and asked God to take his life. He felt alone and spent. And God spoke to him in that hiding place.

"WHAT ARE YOU DONG HERE, ELIJAH?"

In the past weeks, I have celebrated 60 years of life, 34 months of cancer survivorship and, yesterday, a clear brain scan. HUGE reasons to dance and rejoice! But, like Elijah, one threat about a grandchild's health and my own uncertain pains have pushed me to a hiding place, cowering in a corner with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Holding my breath.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, NANCY?"

God's voice was not in the wind of adversity. It was not in the earthquake shaking my plans. It was not in the fire of fear that threatens to consume every part of me. It IS in the sound of gentle blowing on this Saturday morning alone with Him.

Dear friend, there WILL be great, strong wind, earthquakes and fire in our lives. How do we not become distraught and overcome with the swirling elements? One way I have found is to INTENTIONALLY SEEK HIS GENTLE AND QUIET WHISPER. In this season of busyness of the holidays and family gatherings, cookie bakes, and all things "Christmas", I encourage you to be intentional with your time with God. It's the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit that gives strength and courage and vision and purpose.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, MY CHILD?"

I want to be about doing my Father's business! With whatever strength I may have.  For however many days that may be. Yes, and amen.

The First Morning

In the dark of night, the rain relentlessly pounded upon my roof

threatening to break through with force and power.

Water drops fell from my ceiling in the kitchen.

But in my room all was dry and secure.

I closed my eyes and shut out the noise of the storm,

safe in my haven of blankets and warmth.

Morning broke gently with lingering drops from the trees.

I awoke 

to a new day filled with promise and sunshine.

The orange and red and green leaves glistening.

Sun sparkling from the trees and grass.

A sunrise filled with hope and goodness.

A beautiful fall day in my corner of the world.

I breath deeply of this gift and embrace all the possibilities of this

beginning.

Yet, there are many sunrises that are grey

With promises of dark and damp hours ahead.

Yes, they have beauty, a certain tranquility and comfort.

But mornings like this one, ah, they remind me of my

 first morning in heaven.

This world, though filled with it's own beauty and joy,

is but a grey taste of the effervescent morning that awaits.

A morning filled with colors and jewels and joy unlike we are able to imagine

While I'm on this side of tomorrow.

I will make the most of this gift called today.

Even on dreary days and nights.

I will live with the promise of a bright tomorrow.

We must all face this certainty:

This life on earth will end.

For sure and for certain.

I will celebrate the days here

with my eyes focused on the eternal.

The morning ahead where there will be 

no water dripping from the ceiling,

no storms threatening to destroy,

No fear or accidents or pain or death or sickness or depression.

My Facebook friend, Celesta, just made that journey

to her best tomorrow.

"I'll see you later.", I wrote to her.

"You shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace.

The mountains and the hills will break forth before you

And all the trees of the fields will clap their hands." Isiah 55:12

I can only imagine her homecoming party as the trees

clapped their hands.

Her Dad and many loved ones and JESUS welcomed her to her

eternal home.

A place where she is once again completely free to run and breathe.

And celebrate.

We made plans to meet there some lovely day.

Perhaps we'll talk about this cancer journey

and the sweetness of it all,

the lessons learned that couldn't have been experienced

in the smooth life.

Father, teach us Your ways, 

Your plan

in the rainy mornings

the cold, dark nights

in the fresh sunrises

 and glorious sunsets.

So that we can know that You are

 WITH US in our todays

and leading us to our

 sparkling eternal tomorrows.

Celebrating 60!

A friend's young teen grandson was talking with her about me. In telling me about the conversation, she tried to guard her words but in reality what he said was, "Wow, I can't believe she's still alive!" Ah the directness of youth. This made me chuckle because at times I completely agree! Sometimes I can't believe that TODAY I'll receive the gift of 60 years on this earth. Early on in my journey I had no expectation of how much time I had left before He said, "It's time, Nancy."

My current treatment is to take a targeted therapy pill each day and make the most of this gift. My last scan showed that I'm in partial remission. My next scan will be an MRI of my brain the day after Thanksgiving. If all is clear, I'll have another CT three months after that. I'm praying for many more good months on this medicine. The reality of it is that no one knows when/if it will stop working. I'm grateful for this healing that I'm experiencing TODAY. But, always in the back of my mind is the unknown tomorrow. The only known is that all of us must one day walk through the valley of death. This is not true for just cancer survivors but for ALL.

Like Frodo standing on the banks of the shore and knowing that he is meant to get on board the ship to another world, I hope to hug my loved ones, look deep into their eyes as we say, "I'll see you later.". But as I'm taking that step into the unknown, to look back with a smile on my face. I want to go "out with joy and be led forth with peace". But that day is not today. TODAY I have the opportunity to live, love and worship. Today I celebrate this breath. I celebrate 60 years of God's faithfulness and lovingkindness for this flawed and selfish woman.

God in His mercy has allowed me 33 months so far since diagnosis. Each month I celebrate that gift of time. Time to go to the beach. Time to lead worship. Time to love my family. Time to work. Time to rest. Time to journal and pray and grow. Precious time with my five Grands. 

So, depending on your perspective, 60 may seem so old or it could seem young....or squarely in the middle of middle age. The bottom line for me is that each day is a gift from God. A blessing to be used to honor Him and love others. I don't want to waste these precious and few moments worrying about the future or stewing over the past.

 Let's start each day practicing mindful forgiveness. This opens the channels for God's love to pour in and through us. GOD LOVES YOU. He has forgiven you. All that we need, our deepest desires, are fulfilled in Him.

"God said to me, once and for all, 'All the STRENGTH and POWER you need flows from Me! All the LOVE you need is found in Me.'"  Psalm 62:11,12 TPT

"With tender humility and quiet patience ALWAYS demonstrate gentleness and generous love toward one another, especially toward those who may try your patience."  Ephesians 4:2 TPT

"Oh let those who fear the LORD say , 'His lovingkindness is everlasting. The LORD is for me; I will not fear.

The sound of joyful shouting and salvation is in the tents of the righteous....I will not die but LIVE and tell of the works of the LORD.

This is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Give thanks to the LORD for He is good, for His lovingkindness is everlasting." Psa. 118 TPT

Father, please forgive me for failing You time and time again. I love you because You first loved me. Today I receive the strength, power and generous love that You have available to me. I choose forgiveness. I choose life. I choose joy. I choose YOU. May my life be used by You to reflect Your lovingkindness and quiet patience. In Jesus' precious name, AMEN.

The Two-Edged Sword (& a Scan)

He looked at me, shaking his head, as he said, "You know, I'm actually glad to be on this journey." He's six months into his journey for his life and facing radiation treatments. It was his first Sunday to join us on the worship team since that life-changing diagnosis. We shared a knowing smile.

"Yes, I can say the same." (sometimes :-/) I have learned more about God, received more from Him, been blessed by my caring community more than ever before in this short (long?) 30 month time span! I'm grateful to be here. Exactly here.

In awe he said, "It's a two-edged sword! If I look behind, it cuts me. But if I look ahead, it clears the path." Such profound words! Those of us with difficult issues in our lives will understand. This Two-Edged Sword of Adversity! When I look behind, when I think of "what might have been" or even dwell on the mistakes and sin of my past, the sword cuts deep, bringing more pain. If I turn to the side, comparing my journey with others, the sword injures me. BUT if I look straight ahead to the life that the Father has provided for me through the sacrifice of Jesus, the sword clears the weeds away and shows me the path of life. Removing the weeds reveals hidden rocks and thorns that are laying in wait to trip me up and cause me to stumble. Removing the weeds shows me the places in my soul that need redemption and healing and newness.

Such a huge part of healing is to walk free. Free from unforgiveness. Free from anger. Free from offense. Free from worry. Daily free. Moment by moment free. This blessed Two-Edged Sword of Adversity cuts through the weeds of bondage to show me the freedom available to children of God.

"So, if the Son makes you free, you will be FREE INDEED."

 John 8:36 NASV

"So if the Son sets you free from sin, then become a true son and be UNQUESTIONABLY FREE!"

 John 8:36 TPT

"Let me be clear, the Anointed One has set us free - not partially, but COMPLETELY AND WONDERFULLY FREE! We must always cherish this truth and stubbornly refuse to go back into the bondage of our past."

Galatians 5:1 TPT

The question isn't IF but WHEN....when you are holding the Sword of Adversity in your hands, what will you do with it? Self pity and fear and anger will only do more damage. But a grateful, FREE hand grasping the sword can tear down strongholds in your life and the lives of others.

This is why I write. This is why I've put my journey out there. Not because I always hold this sword of cancer in the proper way. But it's my desire to make this Sword of Adversity count! To declare that we all struggle and need redemption and healing. And that HE has given us freedom. Here. Now.

My recent scan shows a beautiful image.....STABILITY. The good Dr. Oyer has declared me in SOLID PARTIAL REMISSION!!! I'll take those powerful words and continue to try to make the most of each day. The cancer on my liver and spleen are gone. My bones look like there is no active cancer there. My lymph nodes look clear. The only place of slight concern is a few small spots on my lungs. (Brain MRI in November.) I'm so grateful! And so I will focus on his words and God's words over my own insecurities and fears, my daily reminders of this Two-Edged Sword that is in my hands.

Thank you to each one of you for reading this blog, your encouraging words and prayers. Thank you for giving me motivation to keep on keeping on. You have held my arms up: My family, my dear friends, those I meet in the grocery story and coffee shop. My Black Rock Retreat family. My church family. Those whom I have never met face to face and yet we are connected. Thank you. May God reveal to us all the areas where we are living in bondage and give us hope and courage to live FREE.

Beneath the Sand

It was a glorious beach day. My sister and I were stepping gingerly on the hot sand as we made our way to where we would set up camp for the day. Looking down, I spotted three beautiful seashells glistening in the sand. But when I picked them up, I saw that they were broken,chipped, flawed.

On the outside, the part of me that can be seen looks whole. My hair has a lovely curl, my skin is tanned and clear, my smile quick. Friends say, "O you look so good! So healthy!" But on the inside, my body is fighting a battle with the deadly lung cancer. Thanks be to God, we are experiencing victory at this moment. At least, I think so. I'll know the "State of my Health" at my next scan, quickly approaching.

The appearance of  the shells was misleading. Our outward appearance can be deceiving. What really matters is what is below the surface, deep in the hidden places, under the sand.This applies to the health of our body as well as the health of our souls and spirits.

How easy it is to portray ourselves as strong, together, victorious but inside be crumbling away with fear, anger, unforgiveness, insecurities, sin and guilt. Jesus said of the Pharisees (the spiritual looking people of His day), "You are nothing more than tombs painted with fresh coats of white paint - tombs that look stunning and beautiful on the outside, but within are found decaying corpses full of nothing but corruption." Matthew 23:27 The Passion Translation

No matter what we seem like on the outside ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. ALL of us like sheep have gone astray and turned to our own way. We ALL have hard battles. But God has caused the iniquity and brokenness of us ALL to fall on Jesus as He endured the cross. We ALL need Jesus to bring His healing touch to every part of our beings. He has provided WHOLENESS for the me that you see and the me that nobody sees!

"He put upon Himself our weaknesses and CARRIED AWAY our diseases and 

MADE US WELL."

Matthew. 8:17 The Passion Translation

I don't just want to look healthy! I want to truly be filled with life and health and peace....even in the middle of hard battles and disappointments and pain. So today I'm bringing my sin and brokenness and fear and stress to the foot of the cross where Jesus provided a way of escape, a way of victory. For sure, this is a life long process and I'm so grateful to have been given TODAY to surrender to Him and walk with a thankful heart in this season.That's my job (as my two-year old grandson told his mother). My future and the upcoming scan? Well, that's His job to handle.

"But we THANK GOD for giving us the victory as conquerors through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One. So now, beloved ones, stand firm, stable, and enduring. Live your lives with an unshakable confidence. We KNOW that we prosper and excel in EVERY SEASON by serving the Lord, because we are assured that our union with the Lord makes our labor productive with fruit that endures."

I Corinthians 15: 57, 58 The Passion Translation

WORDS

It was one of those nights! Waking at 2AM, my brain not wanting to go into sleep mode. These thoughts marching in my mind, begging to be expressed. It's now 4AM and I've given up the fight for sleep so here goes....

It's been a while since my last post! I've "written" several blogs since then but none actually made it to the computer. I've grown weary of words. My own included. It's become painfully clear to me recently that words can be an incomplete vessel for our hearts. Sometimes words are a poor replacement for a lingering hug, intentionally looking deeply into another's eyes, a gentle touch. Words are everywhere and we could spend all of our time tangled up in them. Words have the power of life and death! And we all have experienced words that heal and words that wound. I want to avoid carelessly tossing words out into the atmosphere. I'm becoming increasingly aware that our words are not always interpreted the way we intend. The "me you see" can be a bit different and, to be perfectly honest, less favorable than the "me I think you see". It's a good reality check that helps me to evaluate how my words are being spoken and how I can improve what is being heard. You see, we each know our own heart and motive....and speak from that. But others don't have that knowledge and can only hear our words through the lens of their own experiences.

So in case there's any doubt: I'm a very flawed and needy person who is seeking to be a obey God and bless others. This is my bottom line; case closed; amen! I can relate to David of the Bible....a child of God with many failures but with a heart after God. I want my words to be words of life and hope and healing. Small baskets holding God's love. My prayer each day is to speak God's words of peace and grace. Does that come through? I don't know. Maybe on my best days. Our words and actions may be so very different from each other! That's the beauty and the challenge of being a part of the body of Christ. I am committed to hearing and reading your words through that framework of love and acceptance and I'd be honored if you will do the same for me. Maybe this is what God meant when He said:

"Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others."

I Corianthians 13:7 The Passion Translation

So, fellow basket holders, this vessel is once again gearing up for another scan in August. God's peace is carrying me through the emotions that can go with the uncertainty of the future. Thank you for your prayers and support. Thank you for your words to me that carry love and hope and comfort. May those words come back to you in your time of need.

My True Home

Since we're entering the decade of our 60's, Jerry and I have begun to think about navigating this next season of our lives, especially managing our resources wisely. In light of that, we sought help from a financial consultant. A part of the process involved looking at our goals and dreams for the future. The end result for me has been the clear realization that my main emphasis in my life is HEAVEN. And this passion didn't just begin when I received the cancer diagnosis! It has been a secret obsession that I kept hidden under wraps lest people think I'm strange or not enjoying this current life or "too heavenly minded that I'm no earthly good"! But now the cat is out of the bag, so here ya go.....

I LOVE LOVE LOVE to think about the reality of heaven. Granted, we know very little but I DO know that it will be beyond what we can ask or imagine. I DO know that this life is just a shadow compared to the brilliant light of heaven. I DO know that, for believers in Jesus, this knowledge can help us keep this life in proper perspective. It's so easy to get so attached to our stuff, our positions, our temporary world that we fail to recognize that the veil between this life and the next is very thin. As thin as one fragile breath.

So, when we were asked to pick a time in the future at least two years away, I choose my 65th birthday which is about five and one half years out. What do I want my life to look like? Well I will either be living on this earth in miraculous health, spending my time investing in my grandchildren's lives, loving my family and friends, honoring God with my abilities...hopefully writing..... OR I will be living in my eternal glorious home filled with infinite peace, joy and love, laughter, beauty. Completely free from the difficult challenges of this earthly life. And the greatest joy of all will be receiving Jesus' embrace. Sure, I desperately want to watch my grandchildren grow up. I'm not in a hurry to leave here and will fight to stay with all I have. But it's a win/win situation! And I want to live that way! I don't embrace heaven because my life here is bad. I embrace heaven because it's real (we are surrounded by fake) and true (much of what we hear is false) and FOREVER (this life will end).

When I look in my new grandson's eyes and gaze at spring bursting forth in my yard, Black Rock Blue Sky or the powerful, churning ocean; 

I see heaven.

 When I hear my children's voices and grandchildren's laughter, the song of birds at dawn,  food sizzling in a hot pan, inspiring music:

 I hear heaven.

 When I am worshiping alone or with my church community, walking and talking with a friend, sitting around the table with family, creative journaling;

 I experience heaven.

 AND YET all of this is only

a black and white sketch

compared to the myriad of colors of heaven.

 May all of the beauty of this life remind us that even more beauty awaits us beyond the thin veil.

"Set your mind on things above, not on things that are on the earth."

What does this mean to you? How are we living that out? How should we live in light of eternity? These are questions to consider in the spring, summer, fall and winter seasons of our lives!

the sword and the palm branch

I was having a conversation with one of my nieces in my mind...."IF I die, remember...." Mid-thought I stopped short with the realization that it's really not IF but WHEN. This concept continues to elude most of us. But, if you have walked through a life altering circumstance (there are too many to mention), you will agree that these give you a greater awareness of the frailty and finality of our lives here on earth. And that's a good thing!

There is an APPOINTED TIME FOR EVERYTHING....a time to give birth and a time to die...He has made EVERYTHING beautiful and appropriate in its time. Eccl. 3

I've just been given a 4 month reprieve from this reality (hopefully!). And I'm rejoicing!! I am so grateful to God for answering this prayer. But there's a dichotomy that I wrestle with....
How do I fight the fight of faith (for healing, wholeness, etc.) AND rest in the sovereignty of God AT THE SAME TIME???

You see, I believe that Jesus has provided complete wellness, TOTAL well-being, nothing missing-nothing broken peace. At the same time, we will not live a perfect life unhindered by trials and hardships. Jesus, our great example, DIED at 33! (spoiler: He didn't stay dead!) When I think of the statistics for people with this disease, it's daunting and I know that I may not live to see 65. I don't like that thought one bit....but Jesus! He physically left this earth around 33 years of age!  Being fully human (AND fully God) did He long for more years with His beloved disciples and the hungry faces of those who so desperately needed Him?

Ok, so we are not Jesus. But, can I trust that IF my appointed time to die is younger than I hope, my influence in my world....especially those grands!!!....will continue even after I'm gone on? I can spend my days grieving the potential loss of years of doing life with them OR I can make the most of the days I've been given, TRUSTING God to do what I could never do anyway.

Teach me to number my days that I may present to You a heart of wisdom.  Psa. 90:12

In Your book were all written the days that WERE ORDAINED for me. Psa. 139

So here's the deal, my deal anyway! I am fighting the fight of faith, doing my small part in this life. I will NOT allow satan to kill me before my appointed time to die. And when I do leave, it will be BEAUTIFUL and APPROPRIATE. I will follow His leading to the best of my ability. AND I will trust in the loving, wise, sovereign God. This is the place of peace....in one hand I will grasp the sword of the Spirit and in the other hand will be a palm branch raised to Jesus..

pre-scan fog

I come to my usual meeting place with God this morning, coffee in hand. Dawn is gradually spreading it's soft light across the little corner of my world. Curled up on my couch, wrapped in a blanket, I look out the windows to see a haze of light grey.

Fog. It hinders my view of what's just beyond my windows.

Most of our lives are lived in the fog....the haze of an unclear future. Like the fog this morning that hinders my view of what I know is out there, fog covers much of our future. We may pretend to have it all planned out but we only see through a glass darkly. So much of tomorrow is beyond our limited control. But because I have looked at the meadow beyond my sanctuary so many times, I know that a lovely, peaceful meadow is out there even though I currently can't see it with my eyes. I know that the delightful stream is there, the blue heron sitting on the bank. I don't worry that when the fog lifts I will see destruction, emptiness, a meadow torn apart by a raging river, trees toppled over, the grass and bushes parched brown, dead.

But, when I face the fog of my future, I confess that it's too easy for me to picture just that! As the scan approaches, the time when what is going on in my body will become clear, it is simply in my flesh nature to picture destruction and death. Worries about what may be next for me on this journey are knocking on the door of my mind daily. But God! God in His great mercy has given me glimpses of life and greenness and vitality and spring. Even the fog is pulsing with a peace that I can't explain. His Spirit whispers, "All will be well."

The immediate future of today is filled with so many blessings...

THIS is the day the LORD has made. I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

The future of next week, next month, next year are unknown. But I will trust God. I will be grateful for the blessings He provides of family, friends, peace, ABUNDANT REDEMPTION....

"Many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand. But I know WHO holds tomorrow and I know WHO holds my hand."

The eternal future is as clear as the brightest of days. This future will be filled with the unhindered presence of GOD who loves us more than we can imagine. This I know though I have not seen. This knowledge will give me strength for the intermediate foggy future....

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a KNOWN GOD."

-Corrie ten Boom

The fog has now lifted. Light has revealed what I knew was there - the peaceful meadow, gentle stream, spring budding on the trees. Someday all fogginess will disappear forever. In the meantime will you join me with thankfulness in this foggy journey?