Reclaiming the Territory

It's a blustery, chilly day in Quarryville, PA and I'm wrapped up in my fuzzy blanket in the beautiful Marantha Retreat Center lobby at Black Rock Retreat. We are in the final hours of the 37 hours of silence at our Silent Sanctuary Retreat. 34 guests have joined me in this powerful journey. This event is so near and dear to my heart and I'm grateful for the privilege of being a part of this since Black Rock Retreat began hosting it about eight years ago. Through the years many guests have taken a huge step of faith and joined us for a weekend "free from the tyranny of words".

This weekend has been significant in my life; it's been an opportunity to take back territory that I feel has been stolen from me this year. Last night we bundled up against the swirling wind and took our night time prayer walk. How awesome to walk together in silence to various points around camp - the three crosses, neighboring field, several campfires - and hear Scripture being read. The last time I led this walk was in January of this year.....three days before the word "tumor" was spoken over me. I had chosen various passages that spoke to me for the walk. As I was reading them again yesterday, the significance of those passages at that season in my life was overwhelming. I chose to read many of those same passages again for the walk. However this time with 9 months of traveling this cancer journey as my frame of reference. The prayer walk is always a step of faith for me to lead! It's amazing how trails look completely different in the dark of night. I can imagine getting lost with 20 guests following behind me! Even last night as we came to a place where several trails converged I had to take a moment to get my bearings before leading our group forward. The weather was windy and cold and rainy earlier in the day. I was so tempted to cancel. But my daughter gave me the motivation I needed to go for it anyway as she reminded me that many were looking forward to this new experience. I fought back the sobs as I read about the crucifixion, Jesus' triumph over death and His all encompassing love for each one of us. We read "the heavens are telling the glory of God" as we gazed upward at the stars sprinkled across the sky above the silhouetted neighboring Amish farms. This was a chance for me to stake my claim again. To declare to the powers that be once again that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. NOTHING, not sickness nor pain nor death nor strife nor anything present or to come. Nothing. Case closed. I still believe. God's word is always true. In fact, for me, His word has become even more a shelter in times of storm. A safe place. A warm soft purple blanket wrapping me in security and peace.

The previous Silent Sanctuary Retreat that we hosted was in March. I had just begun taking the highest dose of Tarceva. My face was blemished and painful, my scalp was itchy and sore. My confidence was shaken and I even wondered if my grandchildren would be still know, still love this new Grams. I didn't like her very much. But I was moving forward the best I could being thankful for the medication and the anticipated reversal that it would eventually bring to those cancer cells. As day two began, I was slammed with what we later found out was that nasty flu that was making it's rounds in Lancaster County. I couldn't eat, couldn't do much of anything besides shiver under the covers in my lodging room. The prayer walk was cancelled. because the coordinator was hibernating in her room. But that night I needed to know what was happening to my body so Jerry picked me up and took me the the emergency room. After hanging out there for about 4 hours we trudged back to Black Rock Retreat, at least knowing that what I had was not related to the cancer or the medication.....it was just a random "bug" that completely blew me out of the water. As Jerry slept I lay curled up right outside the bathroom door waiting for daylight. Just wanting to do what needed to be done and GO HOME. Thankfully there was a young gal on staff who was available to help me in packing up the many items I use for the various prayer stations. I threw them in my bags as quickly as possible, laying on the floor as she did the gathering. I have never been so glad to get home to my sunroom, my couch. And that was where I stayed for the next week till the fevers ended and I felt like life just might return back to the new normal.

In light of those unpleasant memories, the thought of returning to that lodging room and this retreat was a bit daunting. Satan had stolen the beauty, the sacredness, the joy from the event in my memory. It was TIME to take them back. A warrior spirit is being planted in my soul and is beginning to take root in this reluctant soldier. I declare today that God has gently been replacing those sad memories with joyful ones. At each juncture, I am filled with thankfulness for His healing! Thankful for these precious guests who are seeking God in the stillness. Thankful that today I can walk and smile and give hugs and write and WORSHIP. Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Jesus!

I'm once again letting go of the past and reaching for the new thing that God is doing. Sometimes the past we must let go of is filled with bitter memories and pain and disappointments. Sometimes we need to let go of the yesterdays that were wonderful. Each NEW day is a gift and is filled with purpose and meaning and beauty. But we can't receive those if our hands are still grasping onto our yesterdays. Let's not allow satan to steal what is rightfully ours! Jesus came to give abundant life....life to the FULL. I will walk in that today. I will not let the regrets from the past or the worries about my unknown future rob my today of the joy and peace available to me! And once again I ask you, dear unseen friend, will you join me in this walk?

"Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."  Isaiah 43:19

the changing seasons

Autumn is sneaking softly in the back door in my beautiful Lancaster County. You can sense it in the early morning chill. You can see it as the trees give hints of the color yet to come. Early autumn, a time when the evenings are cool but the sun can still bring warmth during the afternoon. Much as I love summer - the heat, the pool, the flowers - there is a freshness, a freedom in the air today. A much needed break from the oppressive humidity. I'm glad for that. If only, if only it didn't also hint of the winter season following so closely.....

I guess it's safe to say that I'm in my early autumn as well. Somehow it crept up on me....and I'm finally ready to own it. To live it. I had a blessed spring filled with loving family, wonderful memories of farm life. My summer was overflowing with singing, my own precious babies, building a life with Jerry, struggles and triumphs. And now...now....I guess it's early autumn. And that's ok. I'm breathing easier in the cooler temps free from the heat of the responsibilities that filled my summer.  Colorful leaves are taking over where there was vibrant green life. Perhaps it's becoming a "Grams" that has given me peace in this new season. I mean, those babies are worth it all!!! Or maybe it's the birthday coming up that will solidly place me in the upper 50's and attending my 40th high school class reunion! Yes, summer is over, classmates!

Friend, whether you are in your spring, summer, fall or winter, God is with you! He is WITH you. Jesus has said, "I am with you ALWAYS, to the end of the age". To the end of the season. This truth gives me hope and comfort. As I walk this autumn adventure as a wife, mom, daughter, Grams, sister, employee, friend, worship leader and cancer survivor I am determined that my leaves will be filled with bright colors, the air around me filled with freedom and peace.

Receiving a stage four cancer diagnosis certainly turns one's thoughts to end of life and the winter season. It has made me so grateful for my full, blessed life, for my current remission status....and filled me with a desire to make it further on down the road. I'm asking God to give me a specific amount of healthy years, to enjoy this life into my late fall at least. But I'm keeping my eyes, my heart on my next life. That life will be filled with the newness of spring, the warmth and vibrancy of summer, the freshness of fall and the beauty of pristine fallen snow on a sunny winter morning all wrapped up into one perfect, glorious day after day after day. I'm in. Are you?

Party Time!

I had it all planned out.....this next post was going to be about the posture of a raised fist. But that will have to wait.....

Today is my 8 month survivor celebration. I have been feeling better once again now that I'm on a higher dose. But we always yearn for confirmation, don't we? I don't trust my judgement about my breath. At my last doctor visit, Dr. Oyer noticed that the fluid level had increased a tiny bit from before which is why we increased the dose. Since then, the side effects have increased slightly, the feeling of pressure has decreased and my hope for more days on Tarceva has grown. Today I had a chest xray in preparation for my doctor visit on Thursday.

In these 8 months, I've received one phone call from my doctor. This was in the early part of my journey. He called to tell me that they thought I had the type of tumor that could be managed. He said the words, "we can make you well". They have done that. What a surprise to answer the phone this afternoon and hear his warm voice with the wonderful news that, indeed, my lungs look good and I remain in REMISSION. What GREAT words!

Energized, I lugged the trash to burn down to the corner of our yard that overlooks a patch of woods. As the smoke rose to the sky I raised my hands towards heaven, palms wide open, much like the winners of a race in the Olympics. I clapped my hands and the trees of the field echoed my praise. I danced and jumped and shouted and clapped and clapped some more.

This is not the end of my journey. But this is today. And I will rejoice and be glad in it. Today is a day for celebration. For thanking God for all of the wonderful moments I've experienced these past 8 months. For the fact that Tarceva is available, that I had the type of cancer that this manages. For thanking each one of you who read my wondering thoughts on this blog, who say a pray to our Father on my behalf, who have loved and supported our family in so many ways. You know who you are. THANK YOU!!! I am in this party mode because of your efforts and the awesome grace of God.


My newest theme verse is from Philippians 1:18b-20:
"...and I will rejoice,
for I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers
and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ,
according to my earnest expectation and hope,
that I will not be put to shame in anything,
but that with all boldness,
Christ will even now,
as always,
be exalted in my body,
whether by life or by death."

This is my prayer....no matter what happens. I want Jesus to be glorified through my life on this earth. I have failed more times than I care to remember....but HE never fails. I've tripped and fallen short many times but HE never has given up on me. He will never leave us or forsake us. And I take great comfort in knowing that He will give me the strength to glorify Him and not be put to shame as I walk this journey. To God be the glory, great things He has done!

The needed adjustment

Good morning, unseen friends! It's a glorious late summer morning and I'm once again ensconced in my sunroom looking out over the meadow and listening to worship music and the song of birds. How I wish that the peace I feel at this moment would always surround my heart and mind. But, in all honesty, I'm in constant need of adjustments.....

I was approaching my last doctor visit when the pressure in my core began to be a bit more noticeable once again. So I wasn't surprised when Dr. Oyer told me that a bit of the fluid had returned to my lungs. This is an indication that my medication isn't as effective as before. It's a fact, Tarceva can work for a few months or a number of years. Of course, I'm praying for the latter!!! We decided to increase my dosage to a happy medium between where I was and where we started. And so that has begun. I'm tolerating it fairly well. It was a needed adjustment.

When I awaken and feel a familiar twinge in my shoulders and neck for several mornings in a row, I know a chiropractic adjustment is needed. Last week this was taken care of and once again I am free from that restriction. A needed adjustment.

The most challenging adjustment, of course, is with my attitude! All too easily I slip back into self pity and sadness over the life that I had before the diagnosis. Yes, on the outside I'm active and back to "normal". But the process of getting my attitudes and heart and mind where they need to be is an ongoing task. I'm sure the same is true with all of us. We don't need to be facing a life threatening illness to struggle with attitudes of pride, selfishness, judgments, fear and offense. These can't be fixed with a simple pill or once and done treatment. 

As I walk this journey, these simple things have helped me:
~GOD'S WORD....don't wait till you're hanging on the end of your rope to fill your life and heart with these precious words of life!
~MUSIC....old hymns, new tunes reminding me of who God is, who I am, where I'm heading, what is really important.
~FAMILY and FRIENDS....knowing that we are being covered in loving prayers means the world to Jerry and me; games and laughing with family; kind co-workers; cheerful emails; cards; everyday moments of making applesauce and watching babies.
~CHOOSING TO REJOICE....There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

"...giving thanks at ALL times for ALL things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God,even the Father...."  Eph. 5:20

This is possible because I KNOW......
"God causes ALL THINGS to work together for GOOD to those who love God...." Rom. 8:28

All times, all things. This requires much needed and ongoing adjustments.....

So do Your work, O God,
in our lives and hearts and minds
so that Your kingdom may come
and Your will be done in our lives
as it is in heaven. 
Yes, and amen.

An Expiration Date

The weeks since I've last written have been filled with a lot of living....trip to the beach with the ladies of my family, Black Rock Retreat Family Camp which included an anointing service for a guest and me, walking (and talking) a 5k with a dear friend, answer to prayer job transitioning, many smiles with my grandbabies (and a few tears). My doctor told me to "go, live your life". This is what I'm doing.

But, still, underneath it all remains the unknown....wondering how long the Tarceva will be effective. Believing that God is at work in my body above and beyond what any medical intervention can do. But wondering, always wondering. And thinking about the fact that my life may be shorter than I may wish.

Recently, the words from Psalm 139 have been speaking life and hope and comfort to me. 

"You have enclosed me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully 

and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,

And my soul knows it very well.

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance

AND IN YOUR BOOK WERE ALL WRITTEN
THE DAYS THAT WERE ORDAINED FOR ME

When as yet there was not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!...

When I awake I am still with You.

O that You would slay the wicked, O God! (cancer)

Search me, O God, and know my heart.

Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

And see if there be any hurtful way in me,

And lead me in the everlasting way."

A friend just reminded me that we're all born as clay pots with an expiration date.

So I'm praying that I will fulfill ALL of my ordained days and not a moment less...make it to my expiration date. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. He is the one who wants to shorten our lives, kill our joy and destroy our hope. I am fighting the good fight of faith, standing against the attacks of fear, discouragement and sadness. Some moments I'm more successful than others, for sure and for certain!

None of us know our expiration date. But we know that it's not the years in our life but the life in our years that matter. Each day lived for God, to honor and serve Him and love and serve others. This is a life well lived. So, I'm trying to focus on this, each day....and not dwell on the expiration date up ahead. 

Friend, are you living each moment to the fullest or borrowing trouble from the unknown future? Are you remembering that this life is so short and that we have an expiration date for these bodies? Are we considering that the next life has NO expiration date, with each day being filled with joy and blessings deeper and richer. THIS is the life that I'm looking forward to most of all.

A Vulnerable Place

Last Sunday Jerry and I were asked to be a part of a panel discussion to share how God's word has helped us through these seven months. So we sat on stage at Gap Community Church with Pastor Cody and another couple (another Nancy and husband Bruce!) to talk about our "tough times". The other Nancy and her husband lost their entire home to fire last fall. Talk about a sudden life change! When Bruce was sharing he used the word "vulnerable" and something inside me just broke. It immediately struck a place deep in me and the tears began to fall. Why did this concept cause a strong reaction with me?

Vulnerability. No one wants to feel vulnerable. We surround ourselves with the best defenses.....steady jobs, beautiful, large houses, education, savings accounts, food in the freezer, solid friendships. These things can seemingly protect us from the difficulties of life. But can they? All it takes is a moment....an accident, a diagnosis, a phone call, to show us just how vulnerable we human beings really are! You can exercise and eat right and still this is not a shield against cancer. You can be a good driver but that doesn't mean you will not have an accident. The truth is that we are frail humans. We are so dependent on the mercies and protection and grace of God! We need Him more than we realize as we happily walk through the days of sunshine. It's when the dark night of the soul steals our breath away that we become aware of our desperate need for our Saviour. And, thankfully, it's there where He speaks loud and clear to our hearts through His precious word.
click here to watch July 24 service

Are you in a place of vulnerability? A new job? A new baby? A new relationship? A new church? A new season? This is the perfect opportunity to lean hard into God, our loving Father. He will NEVER FAIL. HE gives wisdom and courage. HE is the source of our joy and strength. Yes, I'm at a vulnerable place right now as well. But that's a good thing. It's helping me to go deeper in my dependence on Jesus. And that the best place to be!

God only is my Rock and my Salvation, My Stronghold;

I shall not be shaken,

On God my salvation and my glory rests;

The rock of my strength,

my refuge is in God.

Trust in HIM at all times, O people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us.    Selah.

Psalm 62:6-8

Trusting and Fruit

Yesterday was great! It was filled with powerful worship, an encouraging message, hours relaxing in my small pool, and dinner with our church's worship team. I felt God's presence as I helped on the worship team that morning. We declared "God is Able....He will never fail." As I was ministering through music and word, however, I heard a whisper in my head telling me that I was going to "pay for this tomorrow".

It does happen so often, doesn't it? After the mountain top, a valley. After a victory, a defeat. And I felt the heaviness in my spirit even as I crawled out of bed and hit the floor. "Oh God, oh God, please use me today. Thank you for this day! I worship You, I trust You."  I had time for meaningful devotionals, did a journal page focusing on the word, "trust". There are so many promises in the Word that I'm standing on but still the heaviness persisted. Financial concerns are weighing me down as well as the health uncertainty that's often lurking around the edges of my thoughts. The heat felt oppressive as I did my Monday tasks of bookwork and laundry. I remembered the quote...."when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on". I thought of this expression of my grandson's face when we ask him to show us his muscles. So I made a face and shook my fist at the enemy of my soul. "I'm hangin' on! All WILL be well."

And just like that, the storm clouds rolled in softening the oppressive heat. Jerry and I were still getting the clothes off of the wash line when the large raindrops began to fall. The humidity eased and my spirit was lighter. What a difference the rain makes! It cleanses the debris from the air, makes breathing easier and renews hope. The rain/reign of the Holy Spirit makes a way where there seems to be no way for us to trust Him in these days of uncertainty and unrest in our world and hearts.

The Scripture passage that I'm carrying with me everywhere these days is this:

Blessed is the woman who trusts in the LORD and whose trust IS the LORD.

For she will be like a tree planted by the water,

That extends its roots by the stream

And will NOT fear when the heat comes;

But its leaves will be green,

And it will NOT be anxious in a year of drought

Nor cease to YIELD FRUIT.    Jeremiah 17:7,8

Are you in a season of heat? A year of drought? When we put our trust in the Lord, when He IS our trust, we can still yield fruit!!! This is a wonderful promise to cling to. I want my life to count. Whether I have 1 day or 10,000 days left on this earth. I want each one of them to be filled with purpose. And that can happen as I trust God with the tough stuff, in the middle of the heat of summer and a year of drought.

Recently I was a part of an informal reunion of 8 women who were in the Strasburg Mennonite Youth Group together, um, about 40 years ago.  As we went around the circle sharing the stories of our families and triumphs and losses, we were aware that no one is exempt from the heat and drought. It's how we choose to live in those trials that makes all of the difference. These precious women from my past are reflecting God's faithfulness and goodness as their lives continue to yield fruit even in the midst of some very difficult circumstances. Always remember, friend, GOD IS GOOD. GOD IS FAITHFUL. GOD IS TRUSTWORTHY. Can I get an amen?