Being the second choice....

Hagar crouched in the bushes by a spring of water in the wilderness. She had fled from her home, from Sarai and Abram, from being loved and then discarded. She had obeyed her mistress and become her replacement to conceive a child. Hagar knew that she was second choice because Sarai could not conceive. Perhaps she loved Abram and was initially glad for Sarai's idea to be with him and carry his child. But as the pregnancy progressed the voice echoed in her brain.....you are just a carrier, you are not important. You are not first choice. Hagar became bitter and Sarai became cruel.

Have you ever felt that way? Perhaps your life has been marked with disappointment and failure. Or you've allowed deception to steal God's best from your life. Have you been thrown into a seemingly random Plan B? Have you felt rejected by those who once embraced you? Used and then discarded? Lost and alone, not sure where to go? Have you run away when a safe place became marked with pain and rejection? Sometimes we are Hagar, hurting and alone, in the wilderness.

But she was not alone - and neither are we! An angel of the Lord FOUND her. He spoke words of courage and life and hope to her. The Lord didn't say that everything would be easy. He told her to return to her place of pain, to live as  the second choice. But He promised that her son would become a nation....because "the Lord has given heed to your affliction".

Hagar declared, "You are a God who sees". The well where she waited was called Beer-lahai-roi which means "seen here after the one who saw me". Friend, GOD SEES YOU. Your life need not be wasted. No matter what your circumstances or what events led to them....how unloved you may feel, betrayed, or rejected or confused. God will meet you as you rest by the spring of life - which to me could mean His powerful WORD.

What do I do when negative feelings try to cause me to just run and hide? I know the best answer is to cling to the Spring of the Water of Life. To drink deep of His words of hope and encouragement. To remember that I am NEVER alone, that my God sees me. He's not surprised by any of this. He knows and understands. He sees my failures and loves me still. He knows me perfectly and yet loves me completely. How awesome is that???

It's a dreary, windy day in Pennsylvania as I sit here in my sunroom - by my spring of water in the wilderness . I'm so thankful for the wonderful memories of this past weekend with family. I'm thankful that GOD SEES ME. Today, I want to live in that knowledge. Even though it's too wonderful for me to grasp, I'm gonna try!!! Will you join me?

Thunder Clap of Silence

Friday night I stood before our Silent Sanctuary Retreat guests at Black Rock Retreat. It was the first few minutes of our time together. Many faces looking back at me were familiar, loved, have become a part of my support, my family. Many return to Black Rock Retreat for this event each year in January as a way to start the year off on a clear path. There were unfamiliar faces as well.....looking at me with uncertainty, expectancy, a little fear. What would these 37 hours of silence bring?

I gave my welcome and opened my mouth to pray. One sentence came out. I paused. And that's when it happened. The thunder clap. Unexpectedly. Powerfully. God's Presence almost knocked me to my knees. The silence was FULL. Charged. It took my breath away. I couldn't speak nor did I want to. The silence. Was. So. Loud.

A few minutes later we said amen with a sigh and looked at each other, stunned. What...just....happened? Wow. In all of my 58 years I've never experienced such a sudden, uncontrived movement of God. He simply gave us a small glimpse into His glorious presence. It was a gift. It had nothing whatsoever to do with me, my preparation, my leadership...or lack thereof. God just decided to bless us in that way.

I wish that I could say that every time I lead a prayer or sit here in my sunroom in the silence, I feel the power and presence of God in that awesome way. I wish the silence would always be full, powerful, loud. But many times I sit here and the only voice I hear is thin, whiny, empty. It takes great effort to hear the soft whisper of the Voice of Truth.

But no matter what the silence holds, the truth still stands that God IS with us. Believing Him, trusting Him in the thin, empty silence is a gift we give Him. Filling the silence is His gift to us. Those precious and few moments when we sense His presence in an indescribable way. Silence filled with love and hope and joy.


"My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my Rock and my Salvation,
My Stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength,
My refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts before Him;
God is a refuge for us.
Selah."
Psalm 62:5-8


We'll not hear the thunder clap in the silence if our space is constantly filled with noise.

The Case of Mistaken Identity

A few weeks ago I pulled into the parking lot of the Christiana Library to restock my reading supply. I noticed one of our neighbors sitting in his red Blazer a few spaces over. It had probably been a few years since I had a chance to chat with him. He's had a difficult health journey ever since returning from the service many years ago. This past year, his daughter told my daughter, was filled with hospital stays with serious battles. And yet there he was doing his usual "Amish taxi" work....waiting while his customer spent time in the library, window rolled down, summer outfit in the middle of December, the usual cigarette in his hand. He looked like I do more times than I care to imagine....a bit rough around the edges!

I was happy to see him and went over to say hello. We chatted about our families, our year, our health (though neither of us mentioned the "C" monster, I assumed he knew). A few minutes passed and I went on my merry way into the library. I would tell my daughter about this encounter.

A week or so later, my daughter saw a Facebook post written by this neighbor's daughter.....Her dad told the story of sitting in the Christiana Library parking lot and seeing a red Mercury Milan pulling in beside him (my car). The lady driving the car came over to him and started chatting with him like they knew each other :-). He was too embarrassed to admit that he had no idea who she was. He went along with the conversation but was so curious who he was talking with!!! (How many of us have done that?!) His description of the car was perfect....but he described the woman as about 5'8" (I'm 5'2") and in her 30's.....ummmm, I'm in my upper 50's and definitely NOT looking 30 something these days. Of course, this makes me smile. Yes, his vision is a bit off. But I'LL TAKE IT!

I'll take being a short gal but having the perspective of being tall and confident. I'll take looking at a situation and envisioning the best case scenario. I'll take seeing people in a gentle light filtered through grace. I'll take a difficult diagnosis and see God's loving hand covering it all with strength and joy. I'll take this medication and receive health for today and many more tomorrow's. I take faith and reject fear. I'll take a "can do" attitude instead of "that's not possible" thinking.

I like how you see things, Bill! God sees us that way, too. In reality we are frail sinners, weak willed and selfish. But, because of Jesus' provision, our Heavenly Father sees us as clean, powerful, called. We are ambassadors of His grace. He's given EACH of us a mission field....whether home with our small children, in the law office, at the job site, in the Ann B. Barshinger Cancer Institute....wherever our feet may go. We are forgiven, cleansed, chosen, LOVED. That's how I see things and I'm stickin' to it! Oh, and feel free to remind me when I forget!!!

Avoiding a plane crash.....

After a good amount of time flying along at a healthy altitude, my little plane decided to take a nosedive. I've had no major turn for the worse. The big C-monster is still in it's cage....but the cage is still in my room. At times I feel it's cold breath on my cheek or hear it's raspy whisper of impending doom in my ear. But it's the little foxes that are nipping at my heels that have sent this fragile vessel heading for a crash.

A lingering pain from an extended cold/cough caused fear to return to my pattern of thoughts. Focusing on the fact that since my diagnosis I've had some kind of pain or irritation going on in my body brought weariness. The short days, lack of sunshine, the cold. The upcoming Christmas holiday and remembering last year and how clueless I was that my life was about to change forever brings sadness. Struggling to do the everyday tasks that used to bring joy.  It's a little foxes that are stealing the grapes. The sweetness of my present life!

Yesterday was my 11 month anniversary as a cancer survivor. Jerry and I were chatting and he mentioned next Christmas. I started to cry....consumed with the thought that I might not be alive next Christmas. His words were exactly what I would have told anyone in years past! Yes, I would "be alive"! I might be here on this earth or at an even better place with many loved ones.  But I would most definitely be alive. I believe this to the very core of my being. I don't even like to say of my Grandma in heaven, "she WAS the sweetest person I knew"....because she still IS! His words began a change in my heart and mind. Helped to turn this plane upward once again. Encouragement from others gave gas to my sputtering engine. I don't want to ruin today by worrying about tomorrow. That is NOT trust! That is NOT God's best for me....or for you.

So what scripture have I been clinging to this week? How about John 3:16? 
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him SHALL NOT PERISH but have EVERLASTING LIFE." This is real, folks. This is where the rubber meets the road. I shall not perish.

Oh sure, "My heart and my flesh may fail (this will happen to everyone until Jesus returns), BUT GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

So once again I'm declaring that God is my strength for THIS day. I may have to rest more than before, that's ok. I may have to shed a few tears. Not once have I felt condemned from my Father for those tears that He's storing in my rather large bottle! This is not the journey I would have chosen. But it's where I am and I will rejoice and be glad because His mercies are new for this day and He has given strength for this day. As we enter this Christmas week, I want to treasure each moment with my loved ones and hold them near. Not out of fear but out of gratitude and the desire to make the most of each opportunity. I can't keep the foxes from circling around me but I will keep them from stealing my sweet grapes of joy. None of us know what the future holds and that can be daunting at times. But we do know Who holds the future. Yes, that's a popular line from a song....but it's still TRUTH. I will hold to that TRUTH today. And this truth will keep my plane flyin'! 

What about HOPE?

Many of us know the verse from the "Love Chapter", I Corinthians 13 - "These three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love." In all my years of listening to sermons, I don't recall hearing one on HOPE. We know that love is the greatest thing of all. God is love. And we know that without faith it's impossible to please God. But what about HOPE? It kind of always seemed like it wasn't quite as spiritual or as important as the other two.  And yet, I love the concept of HOPE. Hope brings light to dark places, strength in weakness and peace to a troubled heart.

Psalm 42:5b - HOPE in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His PRESENCE.

I am now in my tenth month as a cancer survivor. And these ten months I've been holding on to hope. I hoped for the kind of cancer that could be treated with Tarceva. God answered that hope, that prayer. I hoped for strength for this journey, to be grateful for each new day. What can I say....it's a process! I hope that the treatment plan will continue to be effective for many years. And I have a certain HOPE of a glorious future. I know that I know that I shall NOT perish but have everlasting life!!!

Psalm 130:7 - O Israel (child of God), HOPE in the Lord; For with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is ABUNDANT REDEMPTION.

One definition of hope is "a feeling of trust". I can have HOPE because I TRUST my Creator. Many times I've asked myself if I really really trust God? It's so much easier to speak words of faith and trust; to sing words of surrender and commitment when all is well. Yes, Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!

Romans 15:13 - Now may the GOD OF HOPE fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Dear friend, do you need hope today? Won't you join me in this prayer  and look for opportunities to praise God in your moments today, to put your hope in Him. Holding on to hope means we must let go of bitterness and unforgiveness because that clogs up the pipeline that brings hope, healing and peace to our body, soul and spirit. Join me in this journey as a person overflowing in hope....not based on our circumstances but grounded in the faithfulness of our great God.

Dear Father, thank You for the help of Your tender presence! Open my eyes to see my life from Your perspective. I trust YOU. Thank you for giving hope through Your warm lovingkindness and Your abundant redemption! Thank You for being a God of hope and filling me with joy and peace as I trust You. May my life abound in this hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. And I give you all the glory. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Thanking anyway......

It began by skirting around the edges, barely noticed as I ran through the whirlwind of my September and October. On occasion I felt a rawness in my throat, an unusual pressure in my sinuses. Another "bug" was sneaking around but I wanted to avoid it! God was so gracious to keep me healthy through my many responsibilities of those months. Sleep was not always my friend, avoiding me on nights when I needed it most. As my birthday approached, I began to feel the walls come crashing down once again. My immune system had failed to keep the walls secure from sickness.

For the past three weeks I've been once again battling a random virus. This time I've been coughing and had laryngitis. I led worship in the beginning stages of this because I did NOT want to give an inch to the enemy. However since that time, I've basically been on self imposed lock down. Once again I've cleared my calendar. In several cases I postponed an event for a week only to postpone it a week later. All the while trying to do the right things....rest, drink water, praise, rest some more and be grateful. And started taking an antibiotic to help things along. I think I'm seeing progress but.....

Today, my spirit is weary of this present battle. I'm tired of not being able to talk freely! I'm fed up with the pain that comes with each movement, each cough. I want to DO. I'm not liking the side effects of the antibiotic. I am so ready to feel well. And I know I will. The previous battle from March reminds me that I WILL recover, I WILL feel better soon. This skirmish will come to an end, quietly fading from view.

But even as I write these challenges, I'm very aware that I am abundantly blessed (thank you, Terri R.), have so much to be thankful for! Yes, I know that. So once again, on this new day, I'm given the responsibility of setting my mind on things that are good and lovely and good report. Even on this day that's not playing out the way I had hoped.

Here's what I am thankful for (in no particular order): precious family, devoted friends, ability to eat and sleep, no fever!, I can walk!, my sunroom view, grandchildren, gifts of food, God's Presence, I voted!, warm house, wonderful co-workers and job and hey, not thinking about cancer so much! I'm thankful for ginger ale, awesome children, sunshine, peace even in my tears.

Life doesn't always go as planned. We know this. But we also know that God is not surprised by anything that happens. Our candidate doesn't always win. We hope anyway. Our health isn't perfect. We trust anyway. Our relationships have struggles. We love anyway. Our path isn't always smooth. We hold His hand anyway because we know.....

"God is good.
God is good to me.
God is good at being God.
And today is another page in our
Great Love Story.

Nothing that happens to us will change that or even alter it in the slightest way!"
                    ~Lisa Terkheurst

Reclaiming the Territory

It's a blustery, chilly day in Quarryville, PA and I'm wrapped up in my fuzzy blanket in the beautiful Marantha Retreat Center lobby at Black Rock Retreat. We are in the final hours of the 37 hours of silence at our Silent Sanctuary Retreat. 34 guests have joined me in this powerful journey. This event is so near and dear to my heart and I'm grateful for the privilege of being a part of this since Black Rock Retreat began hosting it about eight years ago. Through the years many guests have taken a huge step of faith and joined us for a weekend "free from the tyranny of words".

This weekend has been significant in my life; it's been an opportunity to take back territory that I feel has been stolen from me this year. Last night we bundled up against the swirling wind and took our night time prayer walk. How awesome to walk together in silence to various points around camp - the three crosses, neighboring field, several campfires - and hear Scripture being read. The last time I led this walk was in January of this year.....three days before the word "tumor" was spoken over me. I had chosen various passages that spoke to me for the walk. As I was reading them again yesterday, the significance of those passages at that season in my life was overwhelming. I chose to read many of those same passages again for the walk. However this time with 9 months of traveling this cancer journey as my frame of reference. The prayer walk is always a step of faith for me to lead! It's amazing how trails look completely different in the dark of night. I can imagine getting lost with 20 guests following behind me! Even last night as we came to a place where several trails converged I had to take a moment to get my bearings before leading our group forward. The weather was windy and cold and rainy earlier in the day. I was so tempted to cancel. But my daughter gave me the motivation I needed to go for it anyway as she reminded me that many were looking forward to this new experience. I fought back the sobs as I read about the crucifixion, Jesus' triumph over death and His all encompassing love for each one of us. We read "the heavens are telling the glory of God" as we gazed upward at the stars sprinkled across the sky above the silhouetted neighboring Amish farms. This was a chance for me to stake my claim again. To declare to the powers that be once again that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. NOTHING, not sickness nor pain nor death nor strife nor anything present or to come. Nothing. Case closed. I still believe. God's word is always true. In fact, for me, His word has become even more a shelter in times of storm. A safe place. A warm soft purple blanket wrapping me in security and peace.

The previous Silent Sanctuary Retreat that we hosted was in March. I had just begun taking the highest dose of Tarceva. My face was blemished and painful, my scalp was itchy and sore. My confidence was shaken and I even wondered if my grandchildren would be still know, still love this new Grams. I didn't like her very much. But I was moving forward the best I could being thankful for the medication and the anticipated reversal that it would eventually bring to those cancer cells. As day two began, I was slammed with what we later found out was that nasty flu that was making it's rounds in Lancaster County. I couldn't eat, couldn't do much of anything besides shiver under the covers in my lodging room. The prayer walk was cancelled. because the coordinator was hibernating in her room. But that night I needed to know what was happening to my body so Jerry picked me up and took me the the emergency room. After hanging out there for about 4 hours we trudged back to Black Rock Retreat, at least knowing that what I had was not related to the cancer or the medication.....it was just a random "bug" that completely blew me out of the water. As Jerry slept I lay curled up right outside the bathroom door waiting for daylight. Just wanting to do what needed to be done and GO HOME. Thankfully there was a young gal on staff who was available to help me in packing up the many items I use for the various prayer stations. I threw them in my bags as quickly as possible, laying on the floor as she did the gathering. I have never been so glad to get home to my sunroom, my couch. And that was where I stayed for the next week till the fevers ended and I felt like life just might return back to the new normal.

In light of those unpleasant memories, the thought of returning to that lodging room and this retreat was a bit daunting. Satan had stolen the beauty, the sacredness, the joy from the event in my memory. It was TIME to take them back. A warrior spirit is being planted in my soul and is beginning to take root in this reluctant soldier. I declare today that God has gently been replacing those sad memories with joyful ones. At each juncture, I am filled with thankfulness for His healing! Thankful for these precious guests who are seeking God in the stillness. Thankful that today I can walk and smile and give hugs and write and WORSHIP. Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Jesus!

I'm once again letting go of the past and reaching for the new thing that God is doing. Sometimes the past we must let go of is filled with bitter memories and pain and disappointments. Sometimes we need to let go of the yesterdays that were wonderful. Each NEW day is a gift and is filled with purpose and meaning and beauty. But we can't receive those if our hands are still grasping onto our yesterdays. Let's not allow satan to steal what is rightfully ours! Jesus came to give abundant life....life to the FULL. I will walk in that today. I will not let the regrets from the past or the worries about my unknown future rob my today of the joy and peace available to me! And once again I ask you, dear unseen friend, will you join me in this walk?

"Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."  Isaiah 43:19