An Expiration Date

The weeks since I've last written have been filled with a lot of living....trip to the beach with the ladies of my family, Black Rock Retreat Family Camp which included an anointing service for a guest and me, walking (and talking) a 5k with a dear friend, answer to prayer job transitioning, many smiles with my grandbabies (and a few tears). My doctor told me to "go, live your life". This is what I'm doing.

But, still, underneath it all remains the unknown....wondering how long the Tarceva will be effective. Believing that God is at work in my body above and beyond what any medical intervention can do. But wondering, always wondering. And thinking about the fact that my life may be shorter than I may wish.

Recently, the words from Psalm 139 have been speaking life and hope and comfort to me. 

"You have enclosed me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully 

and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,

And my soul knows it very well.

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance

AND IN YOUR BOOK WERE ALL WRITTEN
THE DAYS THAT WERE ORDAINED FOR ME

When as yet there was not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!...

When I awake I am still with You.

O that You would slay the wicked, O God! (cancer)

Search me, O God, and know my heart.

Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

And see if there be any hurtful way in me,

And lead me in the everlasting way."

A friend just reminded me that we're all born as clay pots with an expiration date.

So I'm praying that I will fulfill ALL of my ordained days and not a moment less...make it to my expiration date. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. He is the one who wants to shorten our lives, kill our joy and destroy our hope. I am fighting the good fight of faith, standing against the attacks of fear, discouragement and sadness. Some moments I'm more successful than others, for sure and for certain!

None of us know our expiration date. But we know that it's not the years in our life but the life in our years that matter. Each day lived for God, to honor and serve Him and love and serve others. This is a life well lived. So, I'm trying to focus on this, each day....and not dwell on the expiration date up ahead. 

Friend, are you living each moment to the fullest or borrowing trouble from the unknown future? Are you remembering that this life is so short and that we have an expiration date for these bodies? Are we considering that the next life has NO expiration date, with each day being filled with joy and blessings deeper and richer. THIS is the life that I'm looking forward to most of all.

A Vulnerable Place

Last Sunday Jerry and I were asked to be a part of a panel discussion to share how God's word has helped us through these seven months. So we sat on stage at Gap Community Church with Pastor Cody and another couple (another Nancy and husband Bruce!) to talk about our "tough times". The other Nancy and her husband lost their entire home to fire last fall. Talk about a sudden life change! When Bruce was sharing he used the word "vulnerable" and something inside me just broke. It immediately struck a place deep in me and the tears began to fall. Why did this concept cause a strong reaction with me?

Vulnerability. No one wants to feel vulnerable. We surround ourselves with the best defenses.....steady jobs, beautiful, large houses, education, savings accounts, food in the freezer, solid friendships. These things can seemingly protect us from the difficulties of life. But can they? All it takes is a moment....an accident, a diagnosis, a phone call, to show us just how vulnerable we human beings really are! You can exercise and eat right and still this is not a shield against cancer. You can be a good driver but that doesn't mean you will not have an accident. The truth is that we are frail humans. We are so dependent on the mercies and protection and grace of God! We need Him more than we realize as we happily walk through the days of sunshine. It's when the dark night of the soul steals our breath away that we become aware of our desperate need for our Saviour. And, thankfully, it's there where He speaks loud and clear to our hearts through His precious word.
click here to watch July 24 service

Are you in a place of vulnerability? A new job? A new baby? A new relationship? A new church? A new season? This is the perfect opportunity to lean hard into God, our loving Father. He will NEVER FAIL. HE gives wisdom and courage. HE is the source of our joy and strength. Yes, I'm at a vulnerable place right now as well. But that's a good thing. It's helping me to go deeper in my dependence on Jesus. And that the best place to be!

God only is my Rock and my Salvation, My Stronghold;

I shall not be shaken,

On God my salvation and my glory rests;

The rock of my strength,

my refuge is in God.

Trust in HIM at all times, O people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us.    Selah.

Psalm 62:6-8

Trusting and Fruit

Yesterday was great! It was filled with powerful worship, an encouraging message, hours relaxing in my small pool, and dinner with our church's worship team. I felt God's presence as I helped on the worship team that morning. We declared "God is Able....He will never fail." As I was ministering through music and word, however, I heard a whisper in my head telling me that I was going to "pay for this tomorrow".

It does happen so often, doesn't it? After the mountain top, a valley. After a victory, a defeat. And I felt the heaviness in my spirit even as I crawled out of bed and hit the floor. "Oh God, oh God, please use me today. Thank you for this day! I worship You, I trust You."  I had time for meaningful devotionals, did a journal page focusing on the word, "trust". There are so many promises in the Word that I'm standing on but still the heaviness persisted. Financial concerns are weighing me down as well as the health uncertainty that's often lurking around the edges of my thoughts. The heat felt oppressive as I did my Monday tasks of bookwork and laundry. I remembered the quote...."when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on". I thought of this expression of my grandson's face when we ask him to show us his muscles. So I made a face and shook my fist at the enemy of my soul. "I'm hangin' on! All WILL be well."

And just like that, the storm clouds rolled in softening the oppressive heat. Jerry and I were still getting the clothes off of the wash line when the large raindrops began to fall. The humidity eased and my spirit was lighter. What a difference the rain makes! It cleanses the debris from the air, makes breathing easier and renews hope. The rain/reign of the Holy Spirit makes a way where there seems to be no way for us to trust Him in these days of uncertainty and unrest in our world and hearts.

The Scripture passage that I'm carrying with me everywhere these days is this:

Blessed is the woman who trusts in the LORD and whose trust IS the LORD.

For she will be like a tree planted by the water,

That extends its roots by the stream

And will NOT fear when the heat comes;

But its leaves will be green,

And it will NOT be anxious in a year of drought

Nor cease to YIELD FRUIT.    Jeremiah 17:7,8

Are you in a season of heat? A year of drought? When we put our trust in the Lord, when He IS our trust, we can still yield fruit!!! This is a wonderful promise to cling to. I want my life to count. Whether I have 1 day or 10,000 days left on this earth. I want each one of them to be filled with purpose. And that can happen as I trust God with the tough stuff, in the middle of the heat of summer and a year of drought.

Recently I was a part of an informal reunion of 8 women who were in the Strasburg Mennonite Youth Group together, um, about 40 years ago.  As we went around the circle sharing the stories of our families and triumphs and losses, we were aware that no one is exempt from the heat and drought. It's how we choose to live in those trials that makes all of the difference. These precious women from my past are reflecting God's faithfulness and goodness as their lives continue to yield fruit even in the midst of some very difficult circumstances. Always remember, friend, GOD IS GOOD. GOD IS FAITHFUL. GOD IS TRUSTWORTHY. Can I get an amen?

A Simple Reminder

It was an ordinary trip to the grocery store to get supplies to make homemade ice cream for a gathering on this July 4th holiday. It was a peaceful morning with time receiving from God's Word. And yet, as I drove, the loneliness of this journey pressed upon me. It's not that I don't have wonderful family and friends surrounding me. I am SO thankful for each one! But at the end of the day, each of us must walk the path before us alone.

Wiping the tears away, I pulled into my parking space. I whispered a simple prayer, "Lord, I would really appreciate some lovin' today in the grocery store!" So many times, He's used friends and acquaintances in the frozen food aisle or produce section to bring a smile and remind me that I'm loved. Well, the quick trip held nothing special. As I was in the check out lane, I was able to bless someone by letting them go ahead of me. With a grateful smile I was thinking how blessing someone was just as good as receiving a blessing. But a second later I felt a tap on my shoulder and was engulfed in a warm hug from a friend who works there. She was God's messenger today. And all it took was a few seconds, a hug and a smile. She could have easily passed me by. But she did not, and it made my day.

Never underestimate the power of a quick hug at the grocery store or a firm handshake at the hardware store or a smile from one vehicle to another. Share God's love at the dentist's office, the Y, your job, the hospital, at home....wherever your journey takes you today. Make that phone call; send that text; post an encouraging word on Facebook. Be a blessing. Be His hands and feet and arms and smiles. Serve God today by serving others. This is nothing new, friends, just a friendly reminder. Let's look outside ourselves and give love. Give affirmation. Give encouragement! Let's be generous with our kind words and smiles. And the blessing we give will be returned to us. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be the answer to someone's prayer.

ENDURANCE (dancing in the journey)

ENDURANCE. My "Walk and Talk" buddy, Bev, reminded me of this needed quality last week. Since then this word has been rolling around in my brain....it awakened me this early morning. So, as the birds are singing their morning praises outside my window, I have given up the idea of sleep till my thoughts are somehow written on this digital page :-).

Bev was an important part of my journey a few years ago when I went from little physical activity to an active physical level. The process was so rewarding but took endurance. If you've been married for longer than a week, you know that a good marriage takes endurance. Parents of a baby who does not sleep need endurance as they wonder if they will ever sleep through the night again! A successful career, advanced education, any long-term relationship, any goal worth pursuing requires ENDURANCE. Walking this journey with an unwelcome diagnosis or painful situation requires endurance. Jesus is our ultimate example. He endured the cross because of the joy set before Him...the joy of our redemption!

In my last appointment with Dr. Oyer, he told me that I will be able to run again! What a lovely thought...a goal....that will take endurance. Once again going through the process to become strong. So I'm taking small steps towards that goal hoping to run a 5K again. And in fact, I just registered for one in the middle of writing this blog. If you are in Lancaster County, consider joining me for "Camden's Run" on August 20 at Franklin and Marshall College. (benefiting SIDS research, details on Facebook) So now I've put my money where my goal is!

Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us RUN with ENDURANCE the race that is set before us....

(RUN, NANCY, RUN)

....fixing our eyes on JESUS, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

  Hebrews 12:1,2

As the word endurance has been bouncing around in my brain, this "interpretation" has come to the surface:
U R dANCing to the END.
Get it?  Perhaps it's a stretch, but it works for me. I love the word picture. This is my life goal....to dance through each day, honoring God, serving Him and serving those He brings into my life. Walking the journey with my eyes on the joy set before me. And knowing that the END of this life is not really the end at all but the BEGINNING of all beginnings. Finally seeing Jesus face to face and being completely free from the bondages of sin, the shackles of fear and the weight of selfishness. That will be glorious. But in the meantime, I am dancing....running....thanking God for this good day!
Will you dance with me?
May we run together?

Living in Plan B

Plan B. Not our first choice. Not where we hoped to be or really want to be. But what do we do when Plan A is no longer available? This. This has been my latest struggle. Letting go of the person I was before January 2016. Accepting the fact that my life will be touched by cancer as long as I'm on this earth. I am now a cancer survivor. (Did you know that one is considered a cancer survivor from the moment of diagnosis through the rest of their life?) This is a title I never wished for. Well, who does? Who longs for any of those less than desirable titles? We all will have areas in our lives where we need to accept that Plan A is simply not available. We have the opportunity to choose to accept....and even embrace Plan B. My friend, Mike, has lived his Plan B with strength and persistence and faith for the past 30+ years since a motorcycle accident left him paralyzed. He has turned his Plan B into a life of ministry and adventure and blessing. What an encouragement you are to me, dear friend!

This truth was brought home to me when I read parts of a commencement speech given by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg. This is a great article and worth the time to read it Sheryl Sandberg Berkeley speech Her husband passed away suddenly at a young age. When she was lamenting that she wanted her husband to be present for a Father-Son event, a friend said, "Option A is no longer available. So let's kick the shit out of Option B." Ok, I would not word it that way exactly...but these words have given me a push, encouragement to live this life that I've been given. I don't want to spend more time than needed in self-pity or wishing for the past. 

God has given each of us this day. This good day. I am celebrating life and peace and the cool summer breeze that's blowing through my house. I am so grateful that God has put cancer survivors Melanie and Deni, into my life to be examples to me of how to navigate this new journey. I am thankful for dinner with friends and graduation parties and babysitting the grands. Sheryl Sandberg also stated, "Finding gratitude and appreciation is a key to resilience." I want to be resilient! To go with the flow and TRUST that God is with me, carrying me,  loving me. Does this mean that I will not be shedding more tears? Goodness, no. But I will continue to start each day kneeling before my God and King, asking Him to use me for His honor. I will continue to end each day with praise and a list of the blessings of the day. I will continue to trust that "All will be well".

Are you living in Plan B....or maybe even Plan C? What a comfort to know that God is with us. His Presence is what can carry us through the times of doubt and fear. Times when we long to return to before the diagnosis or accident or hurtful relationship. My life is in His hands....and there's no place I'd rather, rather be. And so, with the things of this world changing and our temporal bodies faced with unwelcome challenges, we can grasp tightly to His Word:

God is personally present, a Living Spirit! There is nothing between me and God, my face shining with the brightness of His face. And so, I am being transfigured much like the Messiah.

My life is gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters my life and I become like Him.

Thanks be to God who always leads me in triumph in Christ and manifests through me the sweet aroma of the knowledge of HIM in every place.

(2 Cor. 2 & 3 portions, MSG)

a report and a commercial :-)

Once again, I'm perched on the sofa in my sunroom. If I close my eyes, the sound that envelops me is much like a You Tube video that I listen to as I fall asleep....filled with gentle rain and the melodic song of birds. Two cardinals were sitting on a branch and giving their feathers a nice fluff, as if allowing the rain to cleanse and freshen. This is what the rain of the Holy Spirit can do in our spirits! I want to begin...and end....and live each moment of my day, actually....with an awareness of the gentle rain of the Holy Spirit bringing healing, cleansing and hope to my spirit, soul AND body. He REIGNS over my life. He RAINS over my life.

I saw Dr. Oyer yesterday. It was a blessing to have my daughter come with me. I wanted them to meet her and for her to meet this team of professionals who have helped me so much in this journey. And it was an encouraging visit!!! He said that I'm in PARTIAL REMISSION. Rarely do patients with my diagnosis reach full remission. But, with God all things are possible. Miracles DO still happen. But just reaching this stage is a miracle in itself and I am extremely grateful. I'm thankful to God for His provision and peace and guidance and for giving knowledge to researchers to develop these new medications that can extend many many lives. I've been encouraged to view myself as having a "chronic" illness...much like a diabetic who can extend her life with medication. This change of thinking from the typical thoughts of cancer, has been vital to my emotional healing. I finally had the courage to look at my chest x-rays and see the amazing progress. Thank YOU for your prayers and support. Jerry and I continue to pray for each one who prays for us. May God fill your lives with blessings!

I've been encouraged to "go, live your life". And so I am. Last weekend was filled to the brim with family and hugs and love and laughter. I walked and played games and slept in a camper :-O and held babies. I ate ice cream and waffles and fresh fish from the local stream. I was told over and over again that I am loved. Those hugs just filled my love tank to overflowing. THANK YOU to each one who poured blessings into my life!!! This journal page was born out of that gratefulness. Why, oh why, are we so hesitant to tell people that we love them? Let's be generous people, in WORDS and deeds!!! Not stingy with our words of love and affirmation. Don't wait till someone you love is diagnosed with cancer to tell them how much they mean to you!

"A generous person will prosper;

whoever refreshes others will be refreshed."

Proverbs 11:25

And now for the commercial....
Worship and music have been a HUGE part of my life! I have been involved with music ministry 45 out of my 57 years. And have the privilege of being on the worship team at Gap Community Church. However, since my diagnosis, I've only been on the stage once...right before I became sick with the virus. It's been a long journey back - but I'm finally going to be singing this Sunday!!! What a warm reception I received as I walked into practice. Home where I belong. The songs that were chosen reflect so clearly the path that I've been on. The authors have put into words and music what I've written about these past few months. I can sing "The Rock Won't Move" with power; "Nailed to the Cross" with thankfulness; "No Longer Slaves" with peace and "We Will Not Be Shaken" with confidence. Would you like to join us? Our service will be streaming live at 10:15 EST on Sunday morning. You can find us at gapcommunity.church . We will be beginning a series on the book of Psalms...one of my favorite and most powerful books! I would be honored to know that you are with us as we worship and declare God's goodness and lovingkindness.

May His peace surround you today as you allow the Holy Spirit to REIGN/RAIN over your life.