ENDURANCE (dancing in the journey)

ENDURANCE. My "Walk and Talk" buddy, Bev, reminded me of this needed quality last week. Since then this word has been rolling around in my brain....it awakened me this early morning. So, as the birds are singing their morning praises outside my window, I have given up the idea of sleep till my thoughts are somehow written on this digital page :-).

Bev was an important part of my journey a few years ago when I went from little physical activity to an active physical level. The process was so rewarding but took endurance. If you've been married for longer than a week, you know that a good marriage takes endurance. Parents of a baby who does not sleep need endurance as they wonder if they will ever sleep through the night again! A successful career, advanced education, any long-term relationship, any goal worth pursuing requires ENDURANCE. Walking this journey with an unwelcome diagnosis or painful situation requires endurance. Jesus is our ultimate example. He endured the cross because of the joy set before Him...the joy of our redemption!

In my last appointment with Dr. Oyer, he told me that I will be able to run again! What a lovely thought...a goal....that will take endurance. Once again going through the process to become strong. So I'm taking small steps towards that goal hoping to run a 5K again. And in fact, I just registered for one in the middle of writing this blog. If you are in Lancaster County, consider joining me for "Camden's Run" on August 20 at Franklin and Marshall College. (benefiting SIDS research, details on Facebook) So now I've put my money where my goal is!

Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us RUN with ENDURANCE the race that is set before us....

(RUN, NANCY, RUN)

....fixing our eyes on JESUS, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

  Hebrews 12:1,2

As the word endurance has been bouncing around in my brain, this "interpretation" has come to the surface:
U R dANCing to the END.
Get it?  Perhaps it's a stretch, but it works for me. I love the word picture. This is my life goal....to dance through each day, honoring God, serving Him and serving those He brings into my life. Walking the journey with my eyes on the joy set before me. And knowing that the END of this life is not really the end at all but the BEGINNING of all beginnings. Finally seeing Jesus face to face and being completely free from the bondages of sin, the shackles of fear and the weight of selfishness. That will be glorious. But in the meantime, I am dancing....running....thanking God for this good day!
Will you dance with me?
May we run together?

Living in Plan B

Plan B. Not our first choice. Not where we hoped to be or really want to be. But what do we do when Plan A is no longer available? This. This has been my latest struggle. Letting go of the person I was before January 2016. Accepting the fact that my life will be touched by cancer as long as I'm on this earth. I am now a cancer survivor. (Did you know that one is considered a cancer survivor from the moment of diagnosis through the rest of their life?) This is a title I never wished for. Well, who does? Who longs for any of those less than desirable titles? We all will have areas in our lives where we need to accept that Plan A is simply not available. We have the opportunity to choose to accept....and even embrace Plan B. My friend, Mike, has lived his Plan B with strength and persistence and faith for the past 30+ years since a motorcycle accident left him paralyzed. He has turned his Plan B into a life of ministry and adventure and blessing. What an encouragement you are to me, dear friend!

This truth was brought home to me when I read parts of a commencement speech given by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg. This is a great article and worth the time to read it Sheryl Sandberg Berkeley speech Her husband passed away suddenly at a young age. When she was lamenting that she wanted her husband to be present for a Father-Son event, a friend said, "Option A is no longer available. So let's kick the shit out of Option B." Ok, I would not word it that way exactly...but these words have given me a push, encouragement to live this life that I've been given. I don't want to spend more time than needed in self-pity or wishing for the past. 

God has given each of us this day. This good day. I am celebrating life and peace and the cool summer breeze that's blowing through my house. I am so grateful that God has put cancer survivors Melanie and Deni, into my life to be examples to me of how to navigate this new journey. I am thankful for dinner with friends and graduation parties and babysitting the grands. Sheryl Sandberg also stated, "Finding gratitude and appreciation is a key to resilience." I want to be resilient! To go with the flow and TRUST that God is with me, carrying me,  loving me. Does this mean that I will not be shedding more tears? Goodness, no. But I will continue to start each day kneeling before my God and King, asking Him to use me for His honor. I will continue to end each day with praise and a list of the blessings of the day. I will continue to trust that "All will be well".

Are you living in Plan B....or maybe even Plan C? What a comfort to know that God is with us. His Presence is what can carry us through the times of doubt and fear. Times when we long to return to before the diagnosis or accident or hurtful relationship. My life is in His hands....and there's no place I'd rather, rather be. And so, with the things of this world changing and our temporal bodies faced with unwelcome challenges, we can grasp tightly to His Word:

God is personally present, a Living Spirit! There is nothing between me and God, my face shining with the brightness of His face. And so, I am being transfigured much like the Messiah.

My life is gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters my life and I become like Him.

Thanks be to God who always leads me in triumph in Christ and manifests through me the sweet aroma of the knowledge of HIM in every place.

(2 Cor. 2 & 3 portions, MSG)

a report and a commercial :-)

Once again, I'm perched on the sofa in my sunroom. If I close my eyes, the sound that envelops me is much like a You Tube video that I listen to as I fall asleep....filled with gentle rain and the melodic song of birds. Two cardinals were sitting on a branch and giving their feathers a nice fluff, as if allowing the rain to cleanse and freshen. This is what the rain of the Holy Spirit can do in our spirits! I want to begin...and end....and live each moment of my day, actually....with an awareness of the gentle rain of the Holy Spirit bringing healing, cleansing and hope to my spirit, soul AND body. He REIGNS over my life. He RAINS over my life.

I saw Dr. Oyer yesterday. It was a blessing to have my daughter come with me. I wanted them to meet her and for her to meet this team of professionals who have helped me so much in this journey. And it was an encouraging visit!!! He said that I'm in PARTIAL REMISSION. Rarely do patients with my diagnosis reach full remission. But, with God all things are possible. Miracles DO still happen. But just reaching this stage is a miracle in itself and I am extremely grateful. I'm thankful to God for His provision and peace and guidance and for giving knowledge to researchers to develop these new medications that can extend many many lives. I've been encouraged to view myself as having a "chronic" illness...much like a diabetic who can extend her life with medication. This change of thinking from the typical thoughts of cancer, has been vital to my emotional healing. I finally had the courage to look at my chest x-rays and see the amazing progress. Thank YOU for your prayers and support. Jerry and I continue to pray for each one who prays for us. May God fill your lives with blessings!

I've been encouraged to "go, live your life". And so I am. Last weekend was filled to the brim with family and hugs and love and laughter. I walked and played games and slept in a camper :-O and held babies. I ate ice cream and waffles and fresh fish from the local stream. I was told over and over again that I am loved. Those hugs just filled my love tank to overflowing. THANK YOU to each one who poured blessings into my life!!! This journal page was born out of that gratefulness. Why, oh why, are we so hesitant to tell people that we love them? Let's be generous people, in WORDS and deeds!!! Not stingy with our words of love and affirmation. Don't wait till someone you love is diagnosed with cancer to tell them how much they mean to you!

"A generous person will prosper;

whoever refreshes others will be refreshed."

Proverbs 11:25

And now for the commercial....
Worship and music have been a HUGE part of my life! I have been involved with music ministry 45 out of my 57 years. And have the privilege of being on the worship team at Gap Community Church. However, since my diagnosis, I've only been on the stage once...right before I became sick with the virus. It's been a long journey back - but I'm finally going to be singing this Sunday!!! What a warm reception I received as I walked into practice. Home where I belong. The songs that were chosen reflect so clearly the path that I've been on. The authors have put into words and music what I've written about these past few months. I can sing "The Rock Won't Move" with power; "Nailed to the Cross" with thankfulness; "No Longer Slaves" with peace and "We Will Not Be Shaken" with confidence. Would you like to join us? Our service will be streaming live at 10:15 EST on Sunday morning. You can find us at gapcommunity.church . We will be beginning a series on the book of Psalms...one of my favorite and most powerful books! I would be honored to know that you are with us as we worship and declare God's goodness and lovingkindness.

May His peace surround you today as you allow the Holy Spirit to REIGN/RAIN over your life.

Moment by moment.....

Saturday was my sixteenth year helping at the Black Rock Retreat Benefit Auction. It has become one of my favorite days of the year. A day to reconnect with old friends, work together with my cohorts, and just enjoy the auction atmosphere. It all started with a simple invitation. The effects of that invitation have colored my years, days and MOMENTS of the past 16 years.....

Many years ago a friend, knowing that I love being with people, Black Rock Retreat and taking care of details, invited me to be a volunteer at the auction. It only took a moment for me to say an enthusiastic "YES"! And the rest, as they say, is history. It was at that auction in one of those early years that the Executive Director at the time pulled me aside and asked if I would consider a job at Black Rock Retreat. I was happy in my part time job as a hostess in a local cafe, but was intrigued at the opportunity to return to the Black Rock Retreat staff. (I had worked there for several summers as a counselor.) He said that there were openings in working with children or seniors as the Road Scholar Coordinator. I had been loving my interaction with the many seniors who came to the cafe on a daily basis. So I chose to jump right into the new adventure as the Road Scholar Coordinator. It became a job that I loved, a perfect fit for me in that season of my life! And I served in that capacity for the next ten years.

It's so amazing to look back over the years and see how God opened the door for me to serve at Black Rock Retreat in other areas and eventually become the Adult/Family Program Director. It's been an awesome journey with precious memories with coworkers who have become dear friends. I was encouraged to develop new programs and from that came our yearly Family Camp and the Silent Sanctuary Retreat which we host several times a year (commercial:-) - check it out on the website and consider joining us sometime!). So many wonderful moments occurred because of that simple invitation!!!

The significance of how far reaching one moment in time can be came crashing down on me yesterday. Like the shadow of a tree stretching across the yard is a moment of our day reaching out into the unknown future. I shake my head and wonder where did all those years go? When I started this job my children were....well, children! Now they are adults and I'm a Grams! Granted, sometimes the days do seem long. But years go speeding by like the train heading from Philadelphia to Lancaster. I want to make the most of EACH day so that the years are filled to the brim and overflowing with treasured MOMENTS.

Jesus is with us in the Present Moment. The right now. This is a truth I'm seeking to walk. When I dwell in the past I can see my regrets and failures....and tend to forget that God was there and has brought His abundant redemption. I become sad and fearful when I consider the future because, unfortunately, my thoughts tend towards the negative side. But, when I release those to His care and live in the now.....thankful, aware, joyful, alive.....my heart is at peace. HE is with us in this moment. Right now. His mercies are new for me on this glorious sunny, warm Pennsylvania morning. THIS is the day the Lord has made and I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. I will walk aware of His Presence with me each moment. IN HIS PRESENCE IS FULLNESS OF JOY. 

"The LORD'S LOVINGKINDNESSES indeed never cease,

for His compassions NEVER fail,

they are new every morning;

great is Thy faithfulness.

'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul,

'Therefore I have hope in Him.'"

Lamentations 3:22-24

This moment is all that we have been given. And it is enough. He is here. With you. With me. With lovingkindness and compassion and faithfulness and HOPE enough for this moment, this day. I receive that, in Jesus name. Will you?

Turning a corner!

It's a blustery Sunday evening here in Pennsylvania. The sun and shadows are spreading across the meadow....the birds are trying to stay on the feeders as they sway in the wind. The springtime leaves are glistening like diamonds as the wind brushes by them. Inside my sunroom, peace reigns. It's time to chat with you, my unseen friends, once again!

As I wrote previously, last week was difficult emotionally. It felt as if I was going from potential crises to potential crises. As soon as one issue was resolved, another one popped up to take it's place in my fearful mind. This is not how God wants me to live. I know that! God used the comforting words and care of a friend to help me peek around the corner from fear to peace.

A few days later I stuck a foot around the same corner as I met with the counselor. Again I was reminded that this journey is something that I need to accept and walk out daily. She kindly and oh so subtly said that I must have a "strong connection between my mind and body". A nice way of saying that my worries have been causing me to feel symptoms :-)! So true!

We are so surrounded by prayer support and love! Because of that, I believe, my hands grabbed the corner and pulled the rest of me around. I have turned the corner. Thank you, dear friends! With God's help I have been able to begin to EXPECT to feel good and strong. God is so good and patient and has given me strength for this task. He gives YOU strength for whatever task is set before you. It may not be what you would have chosen. Ok. It's no news flash that life does not always go the way we want or expect. But I have to believe that God is with us and is helping us each step of the way.

For now, I am feeling very well. I still have a bit of pressure that is a reminder of my diagnosis. But my prognosis is GOOD. This is what I'm setting my mind on. I have strength and joy and PEACE. I long for my face to reflect this, my life to show God's faithfulness. Do I know what tomorrow will bring? No. But none of us do. With God's help, we can pluck our worries about tomorrow from today and place them in the future out of sight where they belong, where God's strength will be. His power and help is for the here and now. This is where we live. This is where life happens....in the precious NOW moments of love and food and graduations and family and laughter and worship and celebrations.

Be anxious for NOTHING but in everything by prayer and supplication (the action of asking or begging for something earnestly or humbly) with THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. And the PEACE OF GOD which surpasses ALL comprehension will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil. 4:6,7

These are not just pretty words, my friends. They are truth. I want to live this truth. Today. God will take care of our tomorrows.

But until then.....the dichotomy of life.

It was a peaceful Sunday afternoon. I had just returned from a dedication service for our precious twin grandbabies. I was feeling good, strong, healthy....physically. Emotionally, however, I was wrestling again with my mortality. You would have seen me looking through the obituaries in the Sunday paper. How easy it is to glance through those pages with an aloof attitude. But on this sunny day I was specifically noticing the ages of those listed. Of course, there were many people in their 80's mentioned. But I was saddened by the amount of people who were in their 50's and 60's....as well as a few even younger. I thought of the families, the goodbyes, and tears. I am feeling my own mortality so much these days, of course. So many people's lives on earth have been cut short. No one wants to be one of them! I certainly don't! And even people in their later years often don't want to leave this world behind. It seems too soon! But no one will avoid this experience - until Jesus returns! Why does it still shock us and bring us to our knees? Because we are created for eternity! We are eternal beings! When this life ends, a new life begins. For believers in Jesus, a wonderful, new, awesome life beyond compare. Though I believe this with every fiber of my being, holding on to the peace it brings is a hard fought battle. 

I'm not ready to shed this earthy life just yet. And so, I've asked God for a certain amount of "healthy years". If He answers my request, it will truly be a miracle. And I have promised to give Him all of the glory and honor and praise and to declare His faithfulness wherever I have the opportunity. BUT, if He does not answer this request I will STILL declare His glory and love to all who He brings across my path during whatever time I do have before I leave this mortal body for the glorious immortal one.

Recently I was really struggling with fears and used my "phone a friend" option. This former hospice nurse came to my sunroom and listened and assured me that my feelings were completely normal, that I wasn't having a heart attack. Yes, it's amazing what fears can do!!! God used her that day to restore me to hope and comfort. She shared an experience she had while sitting by the bedside of a dear friend in her last half hour of life on this earth.

As she was holding vigil with her friend, she was given a glimpse into the doorway of heaven. She saw an excited group of people gathering and laughing and exclaiming to each other, "Cheryl is coming! Cheryl is coming! Cheryl is coming!" For some of us, perhaps the thought of a quiet entry into heaven is most reassuring - just a peaceful embrace with Jesus and sitting by the "glassy sea". But for others, this picture is the most fun, enticing, comforting vision of what our homegoing may be like! How awesome to know, that we know, that we know that a party awaits us in the next life....filled with Jesus and love and laughter and friendship and joy beyond all measure.

It may seem like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. Yes, both side of my heart, actually! The one side is very much struggling with the idea of unhealthy cells wreaking havoc in my body (though I believe the Holy Spirit and Tarceva are putting damper on that), of my own departure of this life way, way too soon. The other side is rejoicing in the knowledge that this life is not all that there is, that all WILL be well, that eternity is a glorious reality that our human minds simply can't comprehend. And so today I'm going to a counselor to help me sort out those thoughts and learn how to live with this dichotomy. I'm thankful for this opportunity to grow and become strong and learn how to better walk this journey. One day at a time.

I love this comment from D. L. Moody! "Some day you will read in the papers that D. L. Moody of East Northfield, is dead. Don't you believe a word of it! At that moment I shall be more alive than I am now. I shall have gone up higher, that is all, out of this old clay tenement into a house that is immortal - a body that death cannot touch, that sin cannot taint, a body fashioned like unto His glorious body." Yes, Mr. Moody. YES!

Will you sing this old song with me? (Until Then by Stuart Hamlen)

"My heart can sing when I pause to remember
A heartache here is but a stepping stone
Along a path what's winding always upward
This troubled world is not my final home.

The things of earth will dim and lose their value
If we recall they're just borrowed for a while
And things of earth that cause this heart to tremble
Remembered there will only bring a smile.

But until then, my heart will go on singing
Until then, with joy I'll carry on.
Until the day my eyes behold my Saviour
Until the day God calls me home.

Today....will you join me in "carrying on with joy"???

My little mustard seed.

"The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." We know this verse, have heard it many times...and I heard it again yesterday on the radio. It reminded me of the many many people who are praying for me and my family. What a tremendous gift,  what a blessing to us! Thank you. Where would we be without that prayer support?

I arrived at Landis Homes to walk laps in the pool with my dad. After a quick hello to my mother, Dad and I headed down the hallways towards the pool area. We met up with a dear couple who Dad introduced me to. The woman's first words to me were, "We're praying for you. We've added you to our prayer list." I had never met these people before....and yet, they are talking to God about me! Thanking them we moved on. As we walked past the kitchen area, I saw a former co-worker. I look for him every time I go by....but TODAY he was there with a warm hug and compassionate voice. Another friend who is lifting me up before our Father. How blessed I am!

A few days ago in the grocery store I walked by an acquaintance as she was bagging groceries. With a quick hug and a matronly kiss on the cheek (never mind that I'm probably older than she), she let me know that she cares and is praying for me as well. How blessed I am!

With so many prayers going to God on my behalf, prayers that are powerful and effective, why am I not completely healed instantly? Why do I have moments of tears and despair? There are probably as many answers to this as there are people who read these words! I have none. We've ALL had "unanswered" prayers. All I know is that I have to keep on believing, keep on trusting and keep on declaring that my life is in God's hands. There's no place I'd rather be.

At this time, I'm on a moderate dose of Tarceva and feeling pretty good. My major concern is my vision, which seems to be affected. It's not terrible but thoughts of "worst case scenario" play through my mind when I allow the thoughts to run where they want to go. It's a constant act of the will to wrestle them in and declare - yes, sometimes shout - to the forces around me that I TRUST GOD. Why do I so easily forget the many blessings I'm receiving and focus my thoughts on the one area that is challenging??? Why, oh, why, O ye of little faith!? And so I look at my little mustard seed faith in my hand and stand on this promise I believe the Lord pointed out to me for such a time as this:

Therefore all who devour you will be devoured;

And all your adversaries, every one of them, will go into captivity

(this is what I see the Tarceva doing);

For I will restore you to health

And I will heal you of your wounds, declares the Lord.

Jeremiah 30:16,17

This is my daily (or more) declaration from Romans 8: Thank You, Father, that there is NO condemnation for me because I am in Christ Jesus! Thank You that my mind is set on the Spirit and I walk in life and peace. Thank You that Your Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in me. And He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead is giving LIFE to my MORTAL BODY through Your Spirit who dwells in me!!!!

I speak that LIFE to every cell of my mortal body...every part. And am praying God's protection over my eyes...that the Tarceva will do it's job on the cancer cells and not have effects on anything else...commanding my immune system to do it's job. Please, please don't wait until you are facing a difficult diagnosis to develop faith for health. Don't take your health, your strength, your vision, your hearing for granted. Too many people have been jolted with a medical diagnosis that comes out of nowhere! It can drive you to your knees. And that's where you will find me today. On my knees, before my Redeemer - who provides ABUNDANT REDEMPTION - with hands raised in supplication....and worship. Will you join me?